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How do the problems manifest themselves in “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior Phase” Part 7

How does one know that she has been in “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior Phase” too long?  

You know you have been in The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior Phase of a toxic  relationship too long when you have normalized blame shifting, guilt and obligation, gaslighting ️, and walking around in a state of cognitive dissonance all the time.  

What is causing the cognitive dissonance? Cognitive dissonance is caused by the fact that your values, beliefs, core sense of self, faith, and everything else in between, is incongruent with the life you are living.  

Another thing that causes cognitive dissonance is going through the mean and sweet cycles, better known as breadcrumbing.  

What is breadcrumbing ?

Breadcrumbing is when your partner, or any other person you are in a toxic relationship with, gives you something to keep you smiling and happy to make you forget about the fact that you are living in a constant state of emotional abuse and mistreatment.

Long story short, it is a pacifier.

Think about when infants and toddlers are crying, and you need to get your housework done. And perhaps they are hungry, and you need 15 more minutes to finish your project and then feed them.

So, you give them a pacifier. A pacifier does not take the place of food.  It is something that gives temporary relief and comfort.

Breadcrumbing has the same affect. It is only temporary relief from the mistreatment that you have been receiving.

Unlike dealing with your infant or toddler, in a toxic relationship, breadcrumbing is a way of saying, “Yes, I’m not treating you right big time. And I know this. I’ll throw you a little bone here and there to make you forget about how awful it is.”

What are some of the breadcrumbs? Going to the movies, chocolate candy, teddy bears , going on vacation, going out to dinner , and on and on.

And we all have enough common sense to know that none of these things will ever makeup for mistreatment.  

However, after being in this phase for so long, you have been conditioned to accept these things as being enough, which causes even more cognitive dissonance and disrespect, dishonor, and devaluing of self.

To not accept the breadcrumbing as being enough is to face the truth.  And as the Scriptures tell us, the truth is what brings freedom. However, you are not ready for that freedom.  Not in this stage.  You want the temporary relief, not the pain that goes along with freedom.

And thus, the movie continues.   

In my next post, we will discuss the next phase in the toxic relationship cycle.  And that phase is languishing.

Until next time,

Katina

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How do the problems manifest themselves in “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior” Phase Part 6

When you are in a toxic relationship, and living in the “Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior Phase”, every day is a television soap opera.  

No one needs to buy a streaming service.  Your drama is streaming for a live studio audience.

You and your partner in the toxic relationship are in the grocery store.  You run into one of his friends.  There is no introduction.

They start smiling at each other with a look that makes you feel uncomfortable.  Then, your partner says, “ I will catch up with you in the cereal aisle.”  

You head to the cereal aisle, looking back, as your partner is deeply engaged in conversation with his friend , giving him googly eyes.

Something feels very wrong.

Two days later, you are upstairs in your bedroom.  You realize that you are a little bit hungry and head downstairs to the refrigerator.

Upon entering that level, you overhear your partner talking to this same friend about your personal business, and in turn, she is obviously sharing hers.  

You are cringing and feeling totally exposed.  What are you going to do now?

You decide to pray, and wait and see.

Two days later, you decide to confront your partner about his inappropriate behavior, words, and actions in the grocery store and on the phone, which is enough evidence that something is going on.

You also tell your partner that you are feeling unloved, betrayed, and exposed.

His response?  

“ Well, when I first met you, I told you that I had a lot of female friends.  You never should’ve been eavesdropping on me.  Plus, you are being jealous and insecure like always.”

You start feeling bad. And then you start thinking that perhaps he is telling the truth. Maybe you over-responded to the apparently too-close-for comfort behavior.  

You apologize, letting him know that you will try to do better.  Although you are now feeling guilty for saying something, something still feels wrong and you can’t figure it out.  

You have now entered the world of “ Cognitive Dissonance”.  

Cognitive dissonance occurs when your belief, knowledge, and reality are misaligned.

Living like this keeps you in a state of being off-balance.

The whole episode of guilt tripping explained in this post is another form of gaslighting, a.k.a. emotional abuse.  

And this is just the beginning of the season.

Until next time,

Katina

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How do the problems manifest themselves in “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior” Phase Part 5

When you are in a toxic relationship and living in “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior Phase”, your life becomes a never-ending theater production.

You are playing a role that you never signed up for.

But you might as well had signed up for it, because every scene features you and the toxic person in your toxic relationship.

All the other characters involved become props for each scene, and scripts are written for each character to play.

Along with gaslighting, the toxic person will began the process of devaluing you.

So, while you’re looking for your enoughness and worthiness in him, he is looking for ways to downgrade you to an even lower status.

So many things are going on at this point.

You are desperately trying to get your needs met, and you notice your partner is treating you differently because somehow, he realizes you are a flawed individual.

And of course, he is too, as we all are.

He just haven’t looked in the mirror to find out. 

So, what do you do?

You say, “Baby, I notice you don’t treat me the same.”

He pretends like he doesn’t understand what you are talking about.

Then, you say, “How do I get you to love me like you did before? You don’t pay me any attention.”

That’s when the games begin.

And the name of the game is entitled “If you could just”.

Your toxic partner says, “Well, if you dressed more attractive, then I would have a reason to look at you.”

You go out and buy fifty dresses. But none of them are good enough.

You are still in the same boat.

Still hustling for self-worth.

Still trying to get back to the beginning when you were love-bombed.

You Go back to your partner again.

Then, you say, “How do I get you to love me like you did before? You don’t pay me any attention.”

Your toxic partner says, “Well, if you wore more attractive makeup, then I would have a reason to look at you.”

You go and spend $500 on three different makeup lines, and nothing changes.

You Go back to your partner again.

Then, you say, “How do I get you to love me like you did before? You don’t pay me any attention.”

Your toxic partner says, “Well, if you wore a more attractive hairstyle, then I would have a reason to look at you.”

After several more rounds of this “If you could just” game, you realize that the truth of the matter is, “You are never going back to the beginning.”

Never. Ever.

You missed that email.

Now, what are you going to do?

Only you can decide.

Stay tuned for the next post on guilt tripping.

Until next time,

Katina

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Episode 125: An Interview with Coach Isabelle Stephenson

the valley of grace podcast
Healing Our Brokenness Podcast Series
Episode 125: An Interview with Coach Isabelle Stephenson
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Prophetic Word!!! Does it mean it’s too late to dream again if you reclaim your power and identity?  What does coaching have to do with reclaiming your power and identity?  What is the relationship between fear and unhealthy relationships?  Do you need confidence in order to be empowered?  What is the correlation between humility, meekness, and fear?  How is having community an art?  Find out the answers to these questions and more as you listen to the interview between Coach Isabelle Stephenson and me on The Valley of Grace Podcast.  Did you miss the last two interviews with Dr. Alice Koech? Catch them here. Be blessed!

Podcast Topics

  • Isabelle’s Life Story
  • Dreaming: Is it too late?
  • Benefits of Coaching
  • Unhealthy Relationships and Fear
  • Empowerment and Confidence
  • Asking Questions
  • Humility & Meekness
  • Fear
  • Seasons of Relationships

Coach Isabelle Stephenson

Isabelle has put together a special gift for my listeners at the following link:

Freebie from Isabelle: Link

How do I contact Isabelle Stephenson?

I am glad that you asked. Isabelle can be reached in the following locations:

Call or write for a free life coaching consultation #732-331-2246

Isabellestephensoncoach@gmail.com

Follow her on instagram: @lifecoachingwithisabelle

Until next time,

Katina

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Episode 124: An Interview with Business Coach Dr. Alice Koech-Part 2

the valley of grace podcast
Healing Our Brokenness Podcast Series
Episode 124: An Interview with Business Coach Dr. Alice Koech-Part 2
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How does daily affirmations change your thought process? How can you make them a part of your life in general?  How does self-blame and limiting beliefs play a role in not enoughness?  Why can’t women just leave toxic relationships?  What role does forgiveness play in healing?  How does learning help us?  Listen to the second part of the interview with business coach Dr. Alice Koech to find out the answers to these questions and many more. Did you miss part 1? You can catch up on that episode right here.

Dr. Alice Koech

How can you reach Dr. Koech?

@dralicekoechcoaching-Instagram

www.drallicekoech.com-Website

alice.koech-Facebook

Podcast Topics

  • Daily Affrimations
  • Self-blame
  • Limiting Beliefs
  • Forgiveness and Healing
  • Should I keep learning?
  • Killing Not enoughness.

Until next time,

Katina

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Episode 121: Interview with EMS, Coach, & Podcast Host of Imperfectly Pollyanna Courtney Nalin Part 1

the valley of grace podcast
Healing Our Brokenness Podcast Series
Episode 121: Interview with EMS, Coach, & Podcast Host of Imperfectly Pollyanna Courtney Nalin Part 1
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After going through some of the hardest times in our lives, it’s easy to think that there is no way that we can recover, let alone reclaiming our power and identity. I’m a living witness that it is possible. One day at a time. One hour at a time. And sometimes one minute at a time.

A couple of weeks ago, I sat down in a one-on-one conversation with Courtney Nalin, EMS, Coach, & Podcast Host of Imperfectly Pollyanna. In this interview, she helps us to see that not only can you heal and recover, you can reclaim your power and identity one step at a time because you are enough. Listen in and be blessed!

Podcast Topics:

  • Loss
  • Infertility
  • Toxic Relationships
  • Friendships

Until next time!

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Episode 105: A Living Room Interview with LaTrae Wilson: Creating An Empowered New Chapter of Life After Breaking Unhealthy Relationship Patterns-Part 1

the valley of grace podcast
Healing Our Brokenness Podcast Series
Episode 105: A Living Room Interview with LaTrae Wilson: Creating An Empowered New Chapter of Life After Breaking Unhealthy Relationship Patterns-Part 1
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Just hearing the word empowered gives you hope. Couple that with the words “new chapter of life”, and your mind starts thinking of all the possibilities. These possibilities can be your reality. However, there is work required on your part. Remember, the film director in the movie, My Life Story? You are the film director of your life. Your choices are the determining factors for the content of each scene.

Creating an empowered new chapter of life requires healing from past hurts. Healing from past hurts brings resilience and perspective. Creating an empowered new chapter of life requires perspective.

After listening to this interview with LaTrae Wilson and I, I guarantee you, you will feel a sense of hope rising in your soul. Latrae doesn’t sugarcoat it, but her style and method of delivering the message will challenge you embolden you in taking your first step forward. If you missed Chris Archuleta’s interview, you can catch up on that one here. Here is an outline of the topics that we discussed in this interview:

Interview with LaTrae Wilson Podcast Topics:

  • Generational Sin Cycles
  • Hiding Sin
  • Family Secrets
  • Low Self-Esteem
  • Low Self-Worth
  • The Pain of Healing
  • Unspoken Reasons for Why Women Go Back

Latrae Wilson’s Website

Instagram: destinedtwobeblessed

Facebook: Destined To Be Blessed @Mylast20BCEB

Book

My Last 20 Breaking the Curse to Embrace the Blessing you can find them on Amazon,Google Book, Barnes and Noble or Lulu.com 

Purchase Her New Book: My Last 20

Until Next time,

Katina

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Entertaining Toxic People

Weekend Food for thought.

When it comes to toxic people, it’s not a matter of if they will gossip, judge, or criticize others, it’s a matter of when. Have you ever entertained a toxic person? If you did, what were your reasons? Did you have a lot of regrets afterwards? Do you remember other people being hurt?

Chime in. Would love to hear your thoughts!!!

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When Grace Is No Longer Grace

Dissecting Grace

As Christians, we know that the best example we have for living is Christ.  We love because he first loved us.  We forgive because he has forgiven us.  We give grace because we have been given grace.  But, the question is, when is grace no longer grace?  This is the question that I have had to revisit several times in the last few years.

Grace is no longer grace when we have gotten to the point of disrespecting ourselves.  How do we know that we our disrespecting ourselves?  It is usually when our needs, thoughts, well-being, and boundaries are ignored.  Boundaries exist emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

grace, character development, boundaries, emotional health, mental health, spiritual health, brokenness
Photo by Stokpic on Pexels.com

Body’s Reactions

One of the ways to know if we are disrespecting ourselves is to pay attention to our “gut reaction”.  A lot of times our bodies know that something is wrong before our emotional, mental, and spiritual knows that something is wrong.  When I first met a neighbor at my last residence, she seemed nice.  Although she seemed nice, there was still something that didn’t allow me to feel 100% safe.  During the course of talking to her, she almost fell.  She grabbed on to me to recover her balance, and my whole body locked up.  If you live with PTSD/trauma on a daily basis, then you are very familiar with the stiffness of the body as a reaction to trauma/stress.  Because of trauma victims having a negative charge, we are even more sensitive to detecting something wrong.  We are magnets to certain types of energy.  Had I acted on this warning, I could have avoided a lot of heartache.  When you have a gut reaction about something, it is your body’s warning that your boundaries are being crossed, or that something said isn’t right.

grace, character development, boundaries, emotional health, mental health, spiritual health, brokenness
Photo by Samantha Hurley

 

Giving Excuses

We all have bad days.  We are all broken, and because of our brokenness we are going to sin on a daily basis.  However, it is important to pay attention to how often we are giving excuses for behavior.

grace, character development, boundaries, emotional health, mental health, spiritual health, brokenness
Photo by Matthew Henry

Giving

We are not to keep score, however, it is important to know that there is give and take in any relationship.  If we are on the giving 90% of the time side, this is a sign that grace is no longer grace.  This will manifest itself through feeling drained emotionally during or at the commencement of the relationship.  This isn’t a normal reaction in a give and take dynamic.

 

Working

You are working to prove your value and worth all the time.  Jesus’ death cut out all the legalism of work.  If we are striving for approval or value from others, or we are given the hidden meaning to keep hustling for someone, grace is no longer grace.  I love this verse in Romans that makes this so clear:  And if by grace, then is it no more of works: otherwise grace is no more grace. But if it be of works, then is it no more grace: otherwise work is no more work. Romans 11:6

 

 

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photo by Sarah Pflug

Control

Grace is no longer grace when we allow ourselves to to be controlled.  Control can be subtle or obvious.  When you find yourself in a toxic dance, your gut feeling is not right, and you are going around in circles, this is a sign you are being controlled.  It can also be a matter of having the things that you say or do be used against you.  For example:  Person A says :  Do this.  Person B:  Does this.  Person A says:  Why did you do this?  And then this repeats over and over again.  The only way to come out of the dance is to eliminate your action as person B.

 

grace, character development, boundaries, emotional health, mental health, spiritual health, brokenness
Photo by The Lazy Artist Gallery on Pexels.com

Patterns

One of the best ways to determine whether grace is no longer grace is to look for patterns.  These patterns will give a clue into whether or not there was a misunderstanding on our part, or if there is a pattern of sin on the other person’s part.  If it is hard to detect, then one of the best things that we can do is to pray.  Prayer for wisdom and discernment will allow us to receive what God wants us to know.  As much as we hate conflict, it is something that we can’t avoid.  The podcast on handling conflict can be found here.  We are told in scripture how to handle the conflict of sin:

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.  But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.  Matthew 18:15-17

 

What I have come to figure out myself is that if the scripture verses above were put into effect in all of my situations, then the draining/toxic effect could have been avoided or lessened.  We cannot save or fix others.  It is Satan’s job to make us believe that we can, to the point of disrespecting ourselves, where grace is no longer grace.

God bless you all!

 

Katina

 

 

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