Episode 152: Toxic Relationships and A Medical Diagnosis

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 152: Toxic Relationships and A Medical Diagnosis
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Toxic Relationships and A Medical Diagnosis-It seems easier to trust God with what it is he has told you to do when you know what the outcome is going to be. However, we know that if we only trust God when certainty is involved, that means that we don’t fully trust him. Our trust becomes conditional.

Listen 🎧 in to this candid conversation between Lauren Roskilly and I as we dissect Toxic Relationships, A Medical Diagnosis, Codependency, and Obedience.

In case you missed last week’s episode, grab it here.

Until next time,

Katina

Episode 151: Toxic Relationships, Mindset, & Anointing

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 151: Toxic Relationships, Mindset, & Anointing
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Since when did God tell you that being in a toxic relationship was carrying your cross or performing ministry? Satan uses all kind of lies to warp our vision of love and keep us trapped in a vicious cycle of never-ending pain. We think we will get clarity on getting out of a toxic relationship without acknowledging the truth.

But even after acknowledging the truth, you have to act. You cannot just sit and wait on God. Acting on the truth and tackling your mindset will help you in making healthy relationship choices, walking in your identity and purpose, and stepping into your calling. You have been anointed to reach the nations. Listen in to Coach Eston Swaby and I as we tackle these issues and more.

How to get in touch with Coach Eston Swaby:

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Healing From Narcissistic Abuse-The Art of Self-Care

Introduction

One of the hardest things to do after being in a narcissistic or any other kind of toxic relationship is to practice self-care. Self-care is an art. Not a science.

At first, the temptation can be to write out a list of different things that must be done for self-care to take place. There is no right or wrong way. However, a must-follow list will only have you focusing on rigidity. Self-care shouldn’t be painstaking.

Dissection

The common things that we think of when it comes to self-care is polishing our nails, going to the spa, shampooing our hair, etc. All these things are part of self-care. However, when you think of self-care in terms of caring for your mind, body, and soul (mind, will, and emotions), the things that you do to enforce self-care will become more of a holistic and natural approach rather than one that is forced.

One thing that helps to reinforce a natural approach is to journal, asking your mind, body, and soul, “What do you need today?”


Narcissistic relationships drain all your resources and energy on every level. This was your norm and has to be unlearned. And as with any other habit, releasing one habit means replacing it with another.

The Challenge


Developing principles of self-care for yourself, and then other care for your children, extended family, and other important relationships in your life will be the driving force for helping you to move forward.

Once you know what these principles will look like, then you can establish boundaries around these principles for yourself and others. For years you have conditioned yourself to placing yourself at the bottom of the list. After your partner. After your children. And after everyone else. And in some instances, not at all.

Self-Care as Self-Love

Self-care is part of self-love. And self-love is part of the practice of developing an intimate relationship with yourself by becoming self-aware of who you are as a person, where you are as a person, and where it is you are going, along with where you want to be.

You are already enough. You do not have to wear yourself down and ignore your self in order to please others and gain approval from others. Grab your keys to the kingdom and get your inheritance.

Healing From Narcissistic Abuse & Parenting With Oxygen

Analysis


When it comes to healing from narcissistic abuse, it can be so tempting for women to think their number one priority after leaving the toxic ☠️ relationship is pouring everything that they can into their children 🧒 so that they will be OK. 

In theory, it seems like the perfect thing to do. Give them everything that they have been missing and more. 

However, in reality, the best thing that you can do as a mother is to follow the instructions 📄 of the stewardess on the airplane ✈️

You must put your oxygen mask 😷 on first. 

When a person has difficulty breathing 😮‍💨, and is in emergency status, needing to get some serious help, they do not stop 🛑, and say, “let me give away the little oxygen that I have left instead of calling 911.  This is a heroic deed.”

For those who have, what is often said about this person is, “he or she saved everybody else, but could not do what was necessary to save him or her self.”  

There is no trophy 🏆 given out. There is sadness and a realization that this person was so caught up being Superman or Superwoman, that they did not understand their own needs, and the need to put their needs before others was necessary for their own survival.

Ponder

Although it may seem counterintuitive, we cannot pour from an empty cup.

After a while, your jars of clay will manifest cracks.  And instead of taking heed to the warning, and patching up the cracks with taking care of yourself, you keep using your jar until it completely breaks.

Charge

As long as you are OK, healing ❤️‍🩹, walking through the steps of reclaiming your power 💪🏾 and identity, your children will be OK, and can walk into the steps of reclaiming their power and identity by using your actions as a template for theirs.  

And instead of trying to somehow become their therapist, the best thing to do is to help them find a therapist of their own who can assist them in processing what was, what currently is, and what is to come.

Getting back to your true self, the one who’s identity is in Christ, is hard, but not impossible work.  And it begins by displaying love to your children, through the love the Father has for you, and in turn, you are showing to yourself. 

Pouring from an empty or half-full jar 🫙means that you risk single-parent and grief burnout.  Honoring and loving self, with the love of God as your guide leads to honoring and loving your children.

Retraining

Your brain needs to be retrained. All of this time society has taught you that the best way to take care of your partner and your children is to sacrifice yourself in the process.

Healing from narcissistic abuse is a journey, and that journey involves a process.  And that process involves a fight. A fight to reclaim your power and identity to get to your true self. Not the old self. 

Remember: the old self misunderstood the concepts of love and freedom. The old self sacrificed everything for the survival of others at your own expense. It didn’t love self enough to honor identity in Christ over every other identity.  The old self didn’t understand that royalty status helps you to value yourself as having enoughness and worthiness in the kingdom of God.

You are saying goodbye to the old self and reclaiming your true self as a daughter of the king, Who lives and walks in royalty, understands self love and boundaries, and knows how to pour out God’s love onto others.

Prophetic Word 7 Truths About Being Infected With a One-Upping Spirit

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Prophetic Word 7 Truths About Being Infected With a One-Upping Spirit
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Prophetic Word 7 Truths About Being Infected With a One-Upping Spirit

We have all been guilty of one-upping. However, we often fail to realize the spiritual implications of doing such a thing. The seed of envy gives us an infection. When we dissect these implications, it will cause us to grieve the innocence of what we did not know, confess, repent, and move forward looking at other people as image bearers.

Listen in to last week’s message 🎧. If you missed the last podcast episode, click here.

Episode 150: Interview with Self-Love Coach Ana Barajas on Identity, Abuse, Toxic Relationships & Healing

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 150: Interview with Self-Love Coach Ana Barajas on Identity, Abuse, Toxic Relationships & Healing
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What’s seems logical is not always what’s right. It seems logical to find someone or something to fill that empty void and brokenness inside of you.
What ends up happening is that this void brought on by abuse and trauma attracts people who exploit these areas.

identity, abuse, toxic relationships, healing, ana barajas, katina horton, podcaster, podcast community, toxic relationship recovery coach, self-love coach, confidence coach
Self-Love Coach Ana Barajas

When you refuse to allow the Holy Spirit to guide you in your decision-making process, you get into all kinds of trouble, leading to staying in toxic relationships longer than you have to.

Listen 🎧 to this healing conversation that I had with Self-Care and Confidence Coach Ana Barajas.

Reach out to Self-Love & Confidence Coach Ana Barajas on Instagram here.

Be blessed!

Katina

Episode 149: Interview with Coach Christine James on Toxic Relationships, Magical Thinking, Mindset, & Life Part 2

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 149: Interview with Coach Christine James on Toxic Relationships, Magical Thinking, Mindset, & Life Part 2
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Interview with Coach Christine James on Toxic Relationships, Magical Thinking, Mindset, & Life Part 2

We often think that it is our Christian duty to stay in that toxic relationship, fix the other person in the relationship, and control the outcome of that toxic relationship. That’s not our job, but somehow we take on these burdens and more.

Christine James Confidence Coach, Strategist, & Speaker

When we lose our voices, we put up with anything. People-pleasing comes into play, self-sabotaging our health, and the lack of boundaries comes in, and unfortunately, to our own detriment. And we can forget it if we add on self-pity. We indeed become toxic ourselves. Listen 🎧 in to part 2 of the interview with Christine James and I as we dissect toxic relationships, mindset, magical thinking, and avoidance.

Episode 148: Interview with Coach Christine James on Toxic Relationships, Magical Thinking, Mindset, & Life Part 1

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 148: Interview with Coach Christine James on Toxic Relationships, Magical Thinking, Mindset, & Life Part 1
/

We often think that it is our Christian duty to stay in that toxic relationship, fix the other person in the relationship, and control the outcome of that toxic relationship. That’s not our job, but somehow we take on these burdens and more.

Christine James Confidence Coach, Strategist, & Speaker

When we lose our voices, we put up with anything. People-pleasing comes into play, self-sabotaging our health, and the lack of boundaries comes in, and unfortunately, to our own detriment. Listen 🎧 in to Christine James and I as we dissect toxic relationships, mindset, magical thinking, and avoidance.

It’s All About Trust

One☝️question🙋🏿‍♀️that a person may ask is, “ how do I define trust? “

Trust cannot be defined until we understand the concept of faith.

Why?

Both concepts involve the use of evidence.

Because we have seen evidence of God’s love, integrity, character, and history of being there for his people over and over again, we know that we can trust him to do what’s best for us, even when we don’t agree ☝️ with his version of our best.

We have faith 🙏🏿 in who God is.

The Bible says that faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen 🙈.

Trust is the by- product of having evidence through a person’s words and behaviors manifesting congruency that we can live a life of vulnerability and transparency with him/her.

Relationships with other people work the same way as they do with God.

Unlike 👎 God, people are imperfect. And so are we. They will disappoint us and we will disappoint them.

However, an assessment of the overall consistency of congruency in their words, character and behavior alignment, or the lack thereof, will help us to determine whether we can trust them or not.

For example, in healthy relationships, trust can be Reestablished after making bad choices because of Two people putting forth visible, Intentional, effort over a period of time ⏰.

However, when it comes to a toxic ☠️ relationship, trust can never be established until the person who is toxic goes under a major heart and life change.

So, in essence, toxic ☠️ relationships last because of a foundation of image or falseness, i. e. , false love, false trust, false hope, and false peace.

False love means Love ❤️ is equated to abuse.

False trust means Trust is equated to false evidence.

False hope means Hope is equated to false promises and heart ❤️ sickness 🤕.

False peace ✌🏿 means peace ✌🏿 is equated to the absence of conflict.

In order for any relationship to last, trust has to be at the very core of its foundation.

And in order for us to be able to stand against any situation that we face in life in general, Christ has to be our solid foundation.

As the old hymn 🎵 goes, “ On Christ the solid rock 🪨 I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.”

Stay tuned for our next post where we dive into more of an in-depth study on healing from narcissistic abuse.

Until next time,

Katina

Normalcy in a Healthy Relationship vs. A Toxic Relationship Part 1

We have already discussed 🗣 the fact that whether you are in a healthy or toxic ☠️ relationship, it is normal And a part of God’s plan for us to crave relationship.

We also talked 🗣 about the fact that it is normal for people both in healthy and toxic relationships to have what they call symbiosis initially, basically meaning that all of your individual preferences, likes, and dislikes, are ignored for the sake of the other person initially.

I like to think of the perfect example of symbiosis as the “whatever you like” concept and quote from Coming to America.

Symbiosis usually transfers over to differentiation, Where the individuals are showing their true selves, likes, dislikes, and uniqueness in healthy relationships.

Differentiation does not occur in toxic relationships.

Why?

It does not occur because One partner in a toxic relationship wants the entire relationship to focus on their needs, desires, career, and otherwise.

False Peace

This causes the other partner to take a back seat to what they want and or need for the sake of keeping the other person happy as well as keeping the peace.

Individuals in a toxic relationship have learned to adopt a dysfunctional coping mechanism of what we call a “false sense of peace”.

This false sense of peace ✌🏿 stems from the unspoken understanding That as long as they do not say anything about their partner’s behavior and or issues in the toxic ☠️ relationship, things will be OK.

Unfortunately, what they do not realize Is that this is the same thing as sweeping things under a rug until there is a big bump in the middle, and the pile is not only as tall as they are, but it is making them physically sick.

They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious. ‘Peace, peace,’ they say, when there is no peace.

Jeremiah 6:14

They have learned to ignore, overlook, and or “wish away” nearly all of the problems that are going on in the toxic relationship.

This leads to magical 🧙‍♀️ thinking as well as the individual operating from the spirit of avoidance rather than dealing with conflict in the healthy, flourishing, thriving, way that occurs in a healthy relationship.

When we see healthy couples thriving and dealing with conflict, it’s not because they don’t ever have problems. We are judging their outside movie reel, so to speak.

What we don’t see behind closed doors 🚪 is the effort, time, and intentionality that they put into keeping their relationship up to par.

These individuals attend therapy, coaching sessions, deal with conflict resolution among themselves, consult their pastors, and or healthy couple friends, and support groups.

They are not doing it alone.

In toxic relationships, the toxic individual does not see that they have a problem, will not seek help, and do not want anyone in their business for fear that the truth would be leaked out.

False Hope

The other thing that becomes a coping mechanism/dysfunctional pattern of behavior for the individual in the toxic relationship Is the fact that they adopt a “false sense of hope”.

The false sense of hope stems from the fact that their partner with toxic issues has been promising a change of behavior, attitude, And or both.

The only behavior that the individual has seen has been abuse. This abuse has been unconsciously equated to love.

And thus, their partner is left wishing, hoping, and waiting for this “change” to take place. They are hoping and waiting with no evidence at all.

And unfortunately, this leads to their partner becoming “heartsick” at best.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Proverbs 13:12

Tune in for my next post on dissecting trust in a healthy and unhealthy relationship.

Until next time,

Katina