The self-righteous cerebral narcissists in your life are the Pharisees, plain and simple. This bonus episode dives a little deeper into their brokenness, arrogance, and legalism that so many of us tend to miss. As my grandmother used to say, “If it was a snake, it would have bit you.” Listen in to the latest podcast episode. Be blessed! #emotionalhealth #psychology #narcissism #narcissist #selfrighteouscerebralnarcissist #empath #virtuesignaling #control
Sometimes our friends, family, and coworkers may approach us and ask, “ how do you know if a person you are dating or in any other relationship with has good intentions?”
And that seems like a very difficult question to answer. We’ve come up with all different kinds of secret formulas to make this happen. The bottom line is: we have the Holy Spirit, who is our helper, teacher, counselor, comforter, and indwelling friend. And we often forget that.
And then, along with the Holy Spirit aiding us in testing the spirits of the individuals we interact with on a daily basis, we also have the ability to evaluate fruit. If every time we come in contact with certain individuals, and all they do is slander other people, then we know that the fruit they are bearing would be slanderers.
Pretty soon, we will be slanderers.
It’s kind of like going to the grocery store. It’s rare that we end up purchasing bad fruit on purpose. This usually happens if we are buying fruit by the bag. Four instance, if we are purchasing a bag of apples, oranges, tangerines, etc. It’s hard to see every single piece of fruit in the bag.
And just like with the fruit, haphazardly, placing people with toxic traits in our shopping carts are only going to lead to us having toxic hearts, minds, soul, and spirits. We end up buying fruit by the bag when we join clubs, Bible study groups, Ministries, and Churches where we have no way of knowing that there are a few rotten fruit in the bag until we see these individuals outside of their usual places and spaces.
And sometimes even then, it may take a few years, and extensive healing and growing on our part towards self-actualization before we are really able to assess that these particular individuals have existed in our lives all along for Satan‘s agenda of stealing, killing, and destroying us.
So what is the lesson for us in all of this? Never be in a hurry when you’re shopping for fruit.
A lot of people look at love bombing as just over-the-top affection. This would be a quick glanced assessment. When we dive deeper beneath the surface, and peel away the layers, we are staring at abuse.
Plain and simple.
Love bombing is more of the grooming and priming stage of abuse. Just like using primer so the paint will take on your dark-colored wall, love bombing assures that the devaluation stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle will look good on you. But this is not a laughing matter. Nothing about abuse is funny.
Here is a list of things to look out for so that you don’t find yourself caught up in its web.
Checking with you all times of the day. Good morning. Good afternoon. Good evening. How was your morning? How was your evening? How was your afternoon? This is done repeatedly so that when he pulls the rug from underneath you, and stops doing it, you will be like a drug addict needing your fix. Remember-you already have issues with love and approval addictions, which is part of the reason you got caught up with this individual in the first place.
Playing Mr. NICE GUY with your family by lending out his car so as soon as the abuse starts, people start thinking, “This couldn’t be the same guy who’s hurting you.”
Making his church and family seem perfect and sin-free compared to yours.
Gossiping, judging, and criticizing your church, pastor, family, coworkers, and friends.
Appearance of self-confidence that’s really hiding arrogance, condescending, contemptuous, behavior.
Volunteering to help you with typing and taking notes for your graduate and undergraduate degree program.
Volunteering in children’s ministry, men’s ministry, singing in the choir, and preaching at Christian retreats.
Buying your kids clothes and shoes.
Rubbing all over your belly and making you feel embarrassed in public once you’re pregnant with his baby.
Purchasing expensive homes. multiple expensive vehicles, and then having you to get rid of your homes, inherited property and vehicles, and place everything in his name.
Everyone strives for being educated and empowered. But different words mean different things to different people. Listen 🎧 in to the conversation between Dr. Shali Mukherjee and I as we dissect education, empowerment, toxic relationships, and taking ownership when it comes to healing and emotions. Katina Horton-Valley of Grace Ministries been granted rights and permission by performing artist , Timothy Horton GR8, to use Valley of Grace as its theme song. #educators #education #healing #healingjourney #ownership #empowerment #emotions
No one wants to hear these three words. Just because you know that the discard phase is inevitable does not mean that you want someone to say this to you. Not only do these words invoke fear, they bring trauma, abandonment, and rejection along with it. So that you are not caught off guard, I am giving you a list of things to look out for in case you are in the storm of a soul-tied toxic relationship with a narcissistic partner.
Number 1: You disrespect and dishonor yourself to the point of not knowing who you are anymore. Even though he’s leaving you, he is still trying to convince you to sign up for a Biblical concubine situation.
Number 2: Everyday your friends keep reminding you about the crazy situation you are living in.
Number 3: You find evidence that he’s bought another computer(woman). This one has a 500-watt power supply.
Number 4: He’s doing anything and everything to get you to put him out (reverse discard) so he can avoid responsibility for leaving you and tell everybody that you put him out. If he’s been acting a fool and flaunting his new sidechick, they are NOT going to believe him.
Number 5: You are reminded of the insecurities you disclosed to him in the beginning.
Number 6: He pulls his mask down, telling you different things about himself that he has never told you before. They all lead up to him being a narcissist.
Number 7: He keeps stringing you and the kids along about his final leaving date.
Number 8: He brings all kind of evidence in the house showing that he has new supply, hoping that it will break you down and cause you to put him out.
Number 9: His final farewell is a fake suicide stunt to regain control as he sees that his grip on you is slipping.
Number 10: He calls up some of his family members, letting them know that he’s about to sabotage his living situation, and if it’s decent family members, they are encouraging him not to do it. If not, they will join in and help him destroy you.
Number 11: His new supply calls and leaves sensual messages on his voicemail, knowing that you are going to hear the messages.
Number 12: You find evidence that he is love bombing the new supply in both the same and different ways that he love bombed you: receipts from hotels, dinners, poems, songs, doing her advanced degree homework, blankets in the car, taking movies from your home to watch with her and her children, etc.
Number 13: He tells you that he loves you, but is not in love with you, and still wants to be friends. Basically, he wants you to sign up to be backup supply a.k.a. a hoover maneuver.
Number 14: You start seeing instances of spiders, black capes, and all other kinds of spiritual warfare.
Remember, you are not fighting against flesh and blood. Like in the devaluation phase, the discard phase involves both a lot of drama and trauma. If you decide to stay until the end, you will need your church community, small groups, and inner circle to walk with you and your kids every step of the way.
And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light.
Our wiring and upbringing is a combination of nature versus nurture. And because the world is comprised of imperfect people, our families’ love story gardens were imperfect, creating imperfect homes and childhoods. Even with all this vulnerability and brokenness going on, we still have a choice. Join me on a personal journey with Dr.’s Elizabeth and LaTonya Rainwater as we talk about the power of choice, online dating, toxic relationships, and education as it relates to The Black Woman Experience. You’re in for a treat.
Bio:
Dr. Elizabeth Rainwater and Dr. Latonya Rainwater are two Atlanta-based entrepreneurs, preachers, and educators. They have a background in psychology and spent years mentoring students in graduate school.
ELRSHOP
Their passion for education is a big part of their journey, which turned into teaching ESL to students in China online for an education center in Florida. It was not intuition, but it was a tug on the heart, which led both educators and doctors to design their own educational and inspirational products as ELRSHOP. The name ELRSHOP stems from the first initial of Dr. Elizabeth and Dr. Latonya’s name giving their online shop a special and unique meaning.
In the ELRSHOP, you can find coloring books, crossword puzzles, math, and grammar workbooks, and more. Age is no factor and there is something for everyone. All proceeds earned from each sale help support their ministry and mission work worldwide.
Any way that they can educate and spread the gospel to people is a step in the right direction and helps them fulfill their purpose in life.
Music played is the theme song for the Valley of Grace Podcast. Katina Horton-Valley of Grace Ministries have been licensed and given permission to use Valley of Grace by performing artist Timothy Horton GR8.
How to Reach Dr. Elizabeth and Dr. Latonya Rainwater
Healing From Narcissistic Abuse-The Art of Receiving Advice
Healing from narcissistic abuse is a lot of work. The thing to remember is to always keep the end goal in mind. And what is the end goal? Returning back to your true authentic self. The one that God created. During this time, you will receive advice from many different people. And God also encourages us to take advice.
Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.
Proverbs 11:14
However, as with anything, we have to use wisdom, discernment, and our intuition as to whether or not this advice is well-meaning advice or toxic advice that is a mask for control.
There are four different types of advice I would like to discuss with you.
The first kind of advice is projected advice. When we project something, it means that we are taking our own experiences and assigning it to someone else. Projected advice means that the person is giving you advice based upon all of the factors that fit their situation. This kind of device may or may not help you.
Why?
The factors involved can be major deal breakers. Some people who give you projected advice have not been in the situation that you have been in before, meaning they have privilege. And although they are well-meaning, they can actually do more harm than good. When we have privilege, we tend to look at other people’s situation through a privileged lens.
Projected advice gets sticky in areas of finances, court issues, and PTSD/trauma.
The second kind of advice that we often receive is double-minded advice. What is double minded advice? It is based on the Bible verse in James 1:18.
“He is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”
James 1:18
Double-minded advice comes from individuals who have one standard for themselves, and another standard for you. This person often talks on both sides of their mouth so to speak. One minute they are saying one thing. Then a few minutes later they are totally contradicting what they just said. Which version do you believe?
Good question.
Double-minded advice is evidence that the person giving the advice is unstable, or living incongruent to their values and beliefs.
The third kind of advice is purpose-destroying advice. This kind of advice is often given by individuals who exhibit signs of toxic jealousy, envy, and competition when it comes to your calling. They refuse to own their story, but want partial ownership of yours. They want the highlight reels.
Remember, the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Therefore, purpose-destroying advice exists to destroy every aspect of your calling including its power, SOUL, and identity.
The fourth kind of advice that I want to talk about is the “ I heard a word from the Lord” advice. Sometimes this kind of advice is very good. Other times, it involves a combination of the other three kinds of advice that I just discussed plus the gaslighting spirit.
The most important thing that we can do is to test the spirits of people who come to us with a word from the Lord. And we also have to remember that if God has that particular message for us, he will confirm it through us and not just give it to somebody else.
Remember: You are enough. Rebuild your family’s toxic love story garden. Reclaim your power, SOUL, and identity today. Grab your keys to the kingdom and get your inheritance.
A lot of times we find ourselves in toxic relationships trying to figure out what happened. The signs were there all along. You tried to create a lasting relationship between two people with different values, belief systems, and operating systems, hoping the superficial things on your list would be enough. The only thing that did seem to last is the trauma bond and soul tie that the toxic relationship left you with.
One of the main reasons women do not want to heal is because they fear the pain of healing. Making the decision to heal involves pain, and staying right where you are on the hamster wheel of soul-tied toxic relationships with narcissists involve pain. There is no getting around it. The reward is on the other side of the pain. And after getting to the other side, you must set up boundaries so that potential partners can enhance, not restrict their knowledge of you.
How do I Reach Dr. Marni Hill Foderaro to buy her books?
Toxic Relationships and A Medical Diagnosis-It seems easier to trust God with what it is he has told you to do when you know what the outcome is going to be. However, we know that if we only trust God when certainty is involved, that means that we don’t fully trust him. Our trust becomes conditional.
Listen 🎧 in to this candid conversation between Lauren Roskilly and I as we dissect Toxic Relationships, A Medical Diagnosis, Codependency, and Obedience.
In case you missed last week’s episode, grab it here.
Lauren is a mum of two beautiful children. She has a BA Hons in Health and social care and also a diploma in CBT. Lauren became a born- again Christian in 2004. She is transparent about her ups and downs with mental health, depression, anxiety and self- harm. But God helped her with these and she has learnt to refocus from the negative and towards Christ. She practices being mindful of Him, thus the name of her blog ‘Mindful of Christ’. She is the author of ‘Christian based Cognitive Behavioural therapy.’ A Speaker and a Christian Life Coach where she helps people to recognise & overcome limiting beliefs & negative mindsets and help them to discover and step into their God given purpose.
Since when did God tell you that being in a toxic relationship was carrying your cross or performing ministry? Satan uses all kind of lies to warp our vision of love and keep us trapped in a vicious cycle of never-ending pain. We think we will get clarity on getting out of a toxic relationship without acknowledging the truth.
But even after acknowledging the truth, you have to act. You cannot just sit and wait on God. Acting on the truth and tackling your mindset will help you in making healthy relationship choices, walking in your identity and purpose, and stepping into your calling. You have been anointed to reach the nations. Listen in to Coach Eston Swaby and I as we tackle these issues and more.
