Episode 143: Lead Pastor Scott Distler: Toxic Relationships and Gaslighting in Ministry

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 143: Lead Pastor Scott Distler: Toxic Relationships and Gaslighting in Ministry
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It’s one thing to be a pastor. It’s a whole ‘nother level when you are faced with a Nehemiah situation of toxicity, gaslighting, and jealousy in the church. A lot of times, we think that the situation happened to us out of the blue. However, as the old saying goes, hindsight is 20/20.

We saw signs leading up to this big blowup coming all along. We just didn’t really didn’t stop to think about it, or see if any course of action could have been taken in order to prevent it.

And sometimes, there really isn’t anything we could have done.

Why?

We cannot control other people. It’s just that simple. It’s impossible to love and control a person at the same time. Love is not love without there being complete freedom involved.

Rest assured:  there is hope, love, light, and freedom that’s waiting for you on the other side of the cave.

How to reach Pastor Scott Dristler:

Email: scottd@miefree.org

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/skdistler

Church Website: www.miefree.org

Book Website: http://covenantbooks.com/books/?book=the-cave 

Healing From Narcissistic Abuse Part 1

You have finally gotten out of the toxic relationship you were in.

And you’re probably thinking now you can throw a party, and everything will go back to the way it was before you entered it.

Just like you had magical thinking when you were in the toxic relationship, thinking that you will walk out from under A toxic relationship with a narcissist or any other toxic person unscathed Is like walking outside in a thunderstorm Without an umbrella and thinking that you won’t get wet.

It’s delusional.

The most important thing that you can do after being discarded from a toxic relationship is to give yourself grace. You will need tons of it.  Not only from yourself, but from other people.

The biggest teacher for accepting grace from others is giving it to ourselves first.

The first thing that you will think is, “ Okay, This just happened. And it hurt. But now, All I need to do is to pick myself up by the bootstraps, put on my big girl pants, and move on.

Uh, Yes and no.

We don’t ever want to lie down in victim mode.  However, you have had a lot of things done to you, and that reality hasn’t settled in.

First of all, the damage that has been done to your emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical being is enormous.

It literally might take a few months before this manifests.  And even after that, the physical damage won’t manifest itself maybe until six months later, once the exhaustion sets in.

Although you have been going and going like the energizer bunny in the relationship, your body has taken on way more capacity than it should have been for years.

Our minds, bodies, and souls work together, with the mind handling 50% more than what our bodies can. However, for some reason, the effect on our bodies catch up after the effect on our brains.

The second most important thing that you must do is to go “ No Contact”.

If you have children with a narcissistic person, then you would follow the “low contact rule”.

What does “no contact” mean?

It literally means just the way it sounds. You have to eliminate all contact from the person you were in the toxic relationship with.

This includes texting, in person meetings, phone calls, emails, social media, third-party conversations, etc.  Basically, any and all means of communication with this person.

Low contact would mean that you are only interacting with this person for the bare minimal necessities.   This looks like: discussion of your children’s doctor appointments, emotional, mental, and physical health issues, visitation schedules, vacation schedules, and emergencies.

No and low contact are the first set of boundaries that you must learn, and then follow quickly.

This is the only thing that has proven most effective for women Recovering from narcissistic abuse and Abuse in general.

And it probably has to do with the fact that nine times out of 10, women who are in toxic relationships form a trauma bond with their toxic partner.

And in turn, this trauma bond causes a soul tie.

Any and all contact with the individual that you have the soul tie with is only going to re-enforce the trauma bond, which reinforces the soul tie.

So in essence, you are working against your self.

You need time to go through withdrawal. And that is a whole ‘Nother level.

When you are going through withdrawal, you are not alone.  You are enlisting the help of the Holy Spirit, and building emotional and spiritual resilience to handle the pain.

Remember: You are enough.  You do not have to reconnect with your abuser in order to Prove that you are. You are a daughter of the King.  And now, you are beginning to reclaim your power and identity by healing and moving forward.

Until next time,

Katina

Episode 142: From Stonewalling Prison to High Performance Coach

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 142: From Stonewalling Prison to High Performance Coach
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Have you ever lived with someone who didn’t speak 🗣to you for five years?

It definitely doesn’t sound like fun 🤩 and games.

And it isn’t.

It is spiritual warfare from the devil 👿 himself.

Unlike in a healthy relationship where “silent treatment” towards each other covers up the fact that you are angry 😡 , a toxic ☠️ relationship involves the toxic individual(s)“stonewalling.” 

Stonewalling 🪨 is just how it sounds.

The toxic person’s heart ❤️ has become a heart of stone.   And they have built up walls around them, ignoring you when you ask questions, and pretending like you do not exist.

How long does it last?

Simple – However long they want it to.

The purpose of stonewalling is to make you feel crazy, uncomfortable, alone, and most importantly, to have power 💪🏾 and control over you.

In other words, they have the upper hand 🤚 .

So, how do you get out of it? Listen 🎧 to the interview between Hazel Amin and I as she tells her story of how she went “From Stonewalling Prison to High Performance 🎭 Coach”.

The Discard


The Entering A New Relationship Phase is Over.

The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior Phase is over.

The Languishing Phase is Over. 

And there is only one phase left in the Toxic Relationship Cycle.  That phase is the infamous “Discard Phase”.

The Discard

The “Discard Phase” Would be equivalent to The Grand Prize Game on the popular childhood television series Bozo the Clown. 

It is the ultimate act for a person with Narcissistic Brokenness.   And unfortunately, their desire is to leave you in a state of complete brokenness on the way out.

This is the only way that they can both reconcile the manner in which it is done and avoid responsibility for leaving.

Unlike The television show, it is not a laughing matter.

Your partner in the toxic relationship cycle has decided that they are leaving you. Just like discarding an old pair of shoes that are no longer supporting your feet, they are getting rid of you.

How long does this phase last?

There is no set time period.  What is certain is that it is going to happen. You may or may not be told when.

The best thing to do is to prepare yourself and or your children.

You know that you are in this phase when the following things are present:

  • You disrespect and dishonor yourself to the point of not knowing who you are anymore.
  • You get daily reminders of the crazy situation you are in.
  • Anything and everything is done to get you to put him out because he won’t accept responsibility.
  • You are told “I’ll always love you but I’m not in love with you”.
  • You find evidence that there is another supply.
  • You are reminded of the insecurities you disclosed to him in the beginning.
  • He reveals some things he never told you before.
  • He is stringing you and the kids along.
  • Your representation of light, growth, and truth is so far from where he is in the darkness.
  • A fake suicide stunt is done as a last resort to regain control.

So what do you do after your partner leaves you?

You began the work of healing. 

And this work takes place one day at a time.  And sometimes the one day at a time may be one hour at a time.  And sometimes the one hour at a time looks like one minute at a time. And sometimes the one minute at a time looks like one second at a time.

The important thing is that you are moving forward. Doing the work to reclaim your power and identity will be worth it.

Remember: you are already enough.  Grab your keys to the kingdom and get your inheritance.

Until next time,

Katina

Episode 141: 4 Things The Story of Samson & Delilah Teaches You About Toxic Relationships

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 141: 4 Things The Story of Samson & Delilah Teaches You About Toxic Relationships
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When you think of the Story of Samson and Delilah, you think about hair, strength, and a downfall.  The story of Samson and Delilah teaches you more than that.  It gives you the steps of the toxic relationship cycle from start to finish starting with the love-bombing, and then ending with the discard.

Episode 140: 8 Reasons Why You’re Not Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 140: 8 Reasons Why You're Not Healing From Narcissistic Abuse
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You seem to be doing everything that you need to do, but you are not healing. And for the life of you, you can’t figure out why. The thing is, you are really doing what it is you want to do, and not what you need. Take a listen.

In case you missed last week’s podcast, click here.

How do the problems manifest themselves in “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior Phase” Part 8

The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior Phase” Part 8 Introduction:

You have gone without affection, attention, and having your needs met for so long that you are tapped out.  All the games have played out.  The breadcrumbing has phased out.  And you are out of options.

You can literally sense your partner detaching from you.  

Whenever you try to bring up the reality of the situation to your partner, his way of handling things is to just peace out.  

The Chase

He starts running away from you.

You don’t know what to do. And so you do what you feel makes the most sense.

You start running after him. 

And the more you run after him, the more he runs away.  It’s like watching Tom and Jerry, but it’s not a laughing matter. 

You stop the chasing long enough to sit down with pen and paper, trying to figure out the magic formula to fix/change/control him and/or the situation.

You forget about the fact that love involves freedom.  You just want your needs met.

The Chase starts up again.  But the formula isn’t working out like you planned.  

So, what are you going to do?

What any woman who has given herself the title “The Fixer” would do.

You are going to sit down at the table and come up with another formula.

And you are going to confront him about it. Besides, it has gone on long enough.  Arguing with him about the situation is better than no attention at all.

The problem is, you haven’t even stopped to pray or ask God about his will in the situation.

You are too exhausted to even think straight.  

Why?

You have been in this state for too long.  And you feel that the only way that things can get better is if you make them better.

Stay tuned for the next post to find out what happens next.

Until next time,

Katina

Episode 139: 6 Ways You Know You’re in a Toxic Relationship

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 139: 6 Ways You Know You're in a Toxic Relationship
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Everybody keeps talking about avoiding toxic ☠️ relationships.

But how do you know what to avoid if you don’t know what to look 👀 for?

Check out today’s episode:  “6 Ways to Know You Are in a Toxic Relationship” to Figure Out if your relationship is just broken 😞, or on a whole ‘nother level entitled “Toxicity.

Until next time,

Katina

Episode 138: 8 Things You Must Do When Dealing With Your Narcissistic Ex During the Holidays

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 138: 8 Things You Must Do When Dealing With Your Narcissistic Ex During the Holidays
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Who wants to deal with drama during the holidays? No one. We all want to live in peace and happiness, so to speak. Even if, as we talked about before, that peace and happiness is stemming from a false sense of peace.

There is still a desire. When you deal with the spirit of manipulation, namely, narcissism, during the holidays, it can turn your world upside down. Today, I will discuss several different things you must do in order to make that load lighter, and still be able to enjoy the holidays.

Until next time,

Katina

Episode 137: 10 Signs Your Narcissistic Ex is Going to Discard You

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 137: 10 Signs Your Narcissistic Ex is Going to Discard You
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What do you do with items that you no longer want? You discard of them, of course. What happens if you are the one being discarded? Yes, I know. It’s not a laughing matter.

After being in a toxic ☠ relationship so long, you are finally starting to see changes. You start thinking to yourself, “Praise God! Things are moving into a new season.” It’s a new season alright.

What you thought was a new season quickly turns into the roller coaster ride of your life. And your partner is the mechanic down below controlling all of the ride’s functions.

There is no riding 🚕 it out. Riding 🚕it out till the end equals you being left with an excessive amount of trauma. You are already enough. Open your 👀 and take off the blinders so you can see how to get off the rollercoaster and into the boat 🛶 with Jesus.

Until next time,

Katina