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Devotion: 6 Ways to Help Someone Grieving or Going Through Trauma

No matter who we are, at some time or another, we are going to experience grief in our lifetime.  Some of us will not only experience grief, but we will experience traumatic events as well.  There is no way to prepare for trauma.  It sneaks upon you out of nowhere, like an ambush.  Grief can be this way as well.  You are not prepared for either of these happening, and you don’t know when the symptoms will occur.  I can remember times that I was in the grocery store, and I felt like grief was going to overtake me in the aisle.  The symptoms of grief are different for everyone.  Some of them may be:

 

grief, trauma, sadness
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  • irritability
  • regurgitation
  • digestion problems
  • inability to stop crying
  • denial
  • magical thinking
  • physical pain and eye troubles
grief, trauma, sadness
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Job experienced trauma and grief.  He lost everything that he owned in no time:  everything and everyone except his wife.  For some reason, ever since I was a child, I marveled over how there was always one person who was able to come back and relay the news to Job about the next devastation that hit him.  I have been there with Job.  When you get to the point of such compounded trauma, you just end up numbing out.  Your brain just can’t seem to handle it all.  Job’s friends came to support him, and they were fine until they opened their mouth.  God ended up reprimanding them for going on and on to Job with wild explanations for his “suffering”: After the LORD had finished speaking to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite: “I am angry with you and your two friends, for you have not spoken accurately about me, as my servant Job has.” Job 42:7, NLT 

 

Here are six tips to take to heart if we know someone who is suffering from grief or trauma.

1.  Words and Physical Touch:  Express to your friends or loved ones how much you love them with words or giving them a hug.  If you are not sure of what to say, then just sit with them and say nothing.  Sometimes we say the wrong things without realizing it, even if they are true.  As Christians, we do know that if that person was saved, they will be in heaven with Jesus.  However, it is still hard sometimes for this reality to be of comfort to a person.  It is also hard for people to wrap their minds around the fact  that the person is no longer suffering.  It is still a loss to that person.  Sometimes it is better to remind a person that you will be praying for them.

2.  Meals:  Offer to bring meals over, as well as setup a mealtrain with the small groups at church, as well as the neighborhood friends.

3.  Calls and Errands:  Offer to run errands or make calls to family members, friends, and churches to inform them of the death.  Sometimes when we are in such shock, your focus and memory is off.  If the person has a phone book or contact list, it would be nice to go through the list and call each person.

4.  Babysit:  Suggest taking the kids for a few hours so that the person has time to process and grieve what has happened without having to stuff their pain and scare their children.  This is especially helpful if the children are young.  

5.  Pamper:  Treat your friend or loved one to something that would make them feel good:  getting a facial, mani-pedi, beauty or  barber shop appointment, or a nice outfit.

Have a blessed night!

Katina

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The Fear Aspect: Living with and Healing from Trauma on a Daily Basis

For the next two weeks, I am going to do a quick series on the ins and outs of living with trauma on a daily basis.  I am not sure how many of you have dealt with trauma in the past or present, however, it is something that is more prevalent than one may think, and a lot of fears have trauma at the root of it. 

trauma, healing, grief, fear, anxiety, mental health, PTSD
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Women at 10.4 %, are twice as likely as men to experience PTSD.  About 8 million adults have PTSD during a given year. This is only a small portion of those who have gone through a trauma.  I have been living with trauma all my life, unbeknownst to me. 

What I didn’t realize is that a lot of my trauma manifested itself as fear during my younger years.  After having compounded trauma within the last six and a half years, this fear effect gets multiplied.  Unfortunately, when this happens, we can definitely pray, and start to take deep breaths to help ourselves calm down.  However, the fear is so strong, that you would think that you are in an all out fight for your life.  The fear gets multiplied by fifty.

trauma, healing, grief, fear, anxiety, mental health, PTSD
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About three years ago, my kids were at youth group at church, and a tornado swept through parts of the town where I lived, along with some of the other nearby towns.  I was at home by myself.  Praise God for community!  My friends and I texted and called one another to make sure that everyone was okay.  This discussion took place as I stood in the bathroom with the door closed, begging God for the weather to pass over.  

My mother called to check on me since she heard that the tornado was headed our way.  I could tell by the sound of her voice that she was nervous.  I called the kids at church, and they stated that one of the youth leaders, who was a fireman, told them where to go, and what to do.  I knew that they would be fine, but I kept wondering if I would be okay.  The townhome that I was living in was surrounded by large evergreens on all sides.  I kept thinking to myself, if they were just here, then I would be okay.

trauma, healing, grief, fear, anxiety, mental health, PTSD
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Deep down, I knew that my kids couldn’t control God’s weather.  However, I knew that it would make the out of control fear that trauma had placed on me to loosen up.  I shifted between being okay, and feeling like my whole entire body had been tied up because my muscles were so tense.

Thank God that the weather did let up.  The tornado didn’t hit my side of town, but it did hit all around the church.  God protected the church.  All the while, as I stood there in that bathroom, God had praise music going in my head.  I knew that it was his sign that everything would be okay.  However, because of the fear from trauma, I must be honest, my body was saying a different story.  My kids made it home safely that night, and it was just another testament to God’s faithfulness, as trees had been knocked down everywhere from the tornado.

Have a blessed night!

Katina

Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. Lamentations 3:23, NLT

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Dedication to Mudear

Everybody has a name that is special to them when they think of their grandmother.  For me and my family, my grandmother was always referred to as Mudear.  Yesterday was her birthday, and if she were alive, we would have been celebrating.  Her death occurred a little over five years, right when I was at the height of a series of traumatic events going on.  Due to trauma, sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday that she died, and other times it seems like it has been longer. 

Mudear was the pillar of the family.  She taught us how to enjoy life by doing the simple things.  She didn’t wear fancy clothes or buy fancy things.  She wasn’t afforded this luxury, and even if she was, it wouldn’t have been her.  She liked wearing her “house dresses”, as she called them, scarves tied on her head, getting her long fingernails polished, and watching her favorite television shows.

family time, importance, trauma, God, death, grandma, Mudear, simplicity, grace

We were graced by a woman who showed us what it meant to have community.  On any given day, she would stretch six dollars to feed us for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, along with there being the job of several trips back and forth to the local meat market by my cousin and I.  She welcomed people from all walks of life into her home, and even with all the drama that went on, we knew that there was nothing that dancing, singing, and good old laughs couldn’t cure.  She loved her children, and having all of her grandkids around her.  There was joy in simplicity at its finest.

Mudear wasn’t one who had to raise her voice in order to get her point across.  She just used her old sayings from the South.  If you looked nice, she’d say, ” You look sharper than Dick was when Hattie died.”  If you sat inappropriately as a young lady, she’d say, “You are sitting mighty high”.  If you didn’t clean up behind yourself, she’d say, ” Oh, you must have thought today was your birthday.”     

The holidays at Mudear’s house were filled with music, dressing, turkey, ham, macaroni and cheese, and let’s not forget her homemade four layer chocolate banana cakes, coconut pineapple cakes, and caramel with pecan cakes.  Although we all miss you, we know that the love you shared will never be forgotten.  Thank you God for gracing us with Mudear.

 

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Well of Life from Perfectionism and Approval

We have all been found guilty of idols in our life.  Some of these surface idols cover up deeper issues.  Because of the trauma and rejection that was placed on me at an early age, my surface idol showed up as striving/ overachievement/perfectionism.  My deeper idol was to get approval from others.  It has taken me a long time to realize this.  When we lay our idols as Jesus’ feet, he quenches our thirst every single time.  Satan makes it his business to make us think that Christ isn’t enough.  The truth of the matter is, we aren’t enough without him.  Daily, we have to go to the tree of life, who is the only one who will fulfill us.  Be blessed!

rocks, reflection, wellness, inspiration, poetry, prayer
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The Quench

Lord, I want their approval.

My child, you’re filled with fear and doubt.

Just come to the well.

Drink from my everlasting spout.

 

 

Lord, I want their approval.

Don’t you see me on the hill?

With the woman at the well.

Her jar left quite unfilled.

 

 

Lord, I want their approval.

Oh my child, can’t you see?

They’re all broken and insecure…

Need some fixin’ at the tree. 

 

 

Lord, I need your approval.

Oh dear child, you can see.

All your striving and perfecting,

Doesn’t mean a thing to me.

 

 

It’s by grace that you’re saved.

Not by works.

You can’t boast.

And I love you.

Yes, I love you.

Oh, I’m loving you the most.

 

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Our Burdens and Grief: His Plans

I am often amazed at how we think we have our days all planned out down to the minute, and then, out of nowhere, things get shifted around.  Oftentimes, it comes down to one phone call, a text, or an encounter with someone that changes our plans to God’s plans.  Our focus shifts over from our plans to our backpack of burdens.


For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV)

 

About a year and a half ago, I had a day of fighting with grief off and on.  I decided that after not feeling any better, I needed to take a walk, get fresh air, and get out of my own thoughts.  Walking to the beach to watch the sunset seemed like the perfect idea.  After walking a few feet, I ran into my neighbor, and after our encounter, God pressed upon my heart to write this poem, dealing with our backpack of burdens.

Christianity, backpack, poetry, burdens, prayers
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Providence

 

Lord, what did my plans look like for tonight?

It was watching your sunset with a ton of delight.

As I walked out the door, the sky grew dark.

Should I walk to the beach, or fly home like a lark?

 

I walked a few feet and ran into a neighbor.

Then taking my bag of grief, you whispered, “No labor”.

Catching up on life, we talked for a while.

A bless you, a wave, and it ended with  a smile.

 

Lord, what did my plans look like for tonight?

Sharing my backpack of burdens, making my load ever so light.

 

Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

(Galatians 6:2, KJV)