Enmeshed

When it comes to enmeshment, things can get real tricky. Just like codependency. Think about having ten necklaces getting tangled together. Trust me, I have had it to happen before. It is not fun. As a matter of fact, the more you try to untangle the mess, the more they get entangled. And before we know it, our emotions are entangled with these necklaces.

We start making headway when we go to the beginning of the first necklace and then start pulling from there. It is the same thing when it comes to relationships.

The more that you try to untangle, the more entangled you will become. Getting to the root of the entanglement/enmeshment is where healing begins. It is also where the pain will lie as well. When you are entangled/enmeshed, you are depending on someone else’s feelings to make you happy, sad, angry, etc., and dictate your behavior in general.

You are literally being controlled by someone else’s emotional state. Another way of looking at it is to picture your backyard and your neighbor’s backyard. You both have fences. The fences serve as boundaries. However, you have decided to make your neighbor’s yard free reign to go in and out as you please.

Would your neighbor be upset? Of course!! Who wouldn’t?

This is what happens in an entangled/enmeshed relationship. You ignore each other’s boundaries to the point of having such free reign, that you suffocate one another. So how do you get out? Some form of therapy is definitely needed.

At the same time, so is getting to the root of your issues with identity, self-worth, and not enoughness where you have other people’s emotions serving as your literal lifeline.

Creating an empowered new chapter of life involves healing from past hurts. And healing from past hurts involves reclaiming your power and identity, and enoughness. Reclaiming this power and identity from healing will give you a new perspective and a higher level of resilience so that you can flourish.

Until next time,

Katina

Episode 116: An Interview with Jennifer Ramirez -Part 2

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 116: An Interview with Jennifer Ramirez -Part 2
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Next in line to our own brokenness, the number one reason women go from one unhealthy relationship to the next is the fear of being alone. The unspoken rule becomes “I gotta have a man.” And when we follow this rule, and not give ourselves sufficient time to heal, we continue the unhealthy relationship patterns of behavior. Space, time, and stillness gives us clarity, discernment, and the ability to hear God’s voice. However, the craving for a new physical relationship often outweighs the cravings in our hearts for God. Listen to the second part of the interview between Jennifer Ramirez and I to hear more on this topic along with why women often fall victim to narcissistic relationships.

An Interview with Jennifer Ramirez Part 2 Podcast Outline Topics

  • The Unhealthy Relationship Cycle
  • Breaking Free
  • Knowing Your Worth
  • Dealing With Our Brokenness
  • Having a Come to Jesus Moment
  • The Loneliness Factor
  • The Perfect Ingredient for a Narcissist
  • Stepping out in Faith

Stay tuned for Part 3. Interview with Founder & Executive Director of &Rise Jennifer Ramirez

In the meantime, check out Jennifer Ramirez’s website so that you are familiar with all of the services that she has to offer.

Until next time,

Katina Horton

Episode 115: Interview with Founder & Executive Director of &Rise Jennifer Ramirez-Part 1

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 115: Interview with Founder & Executive Director of &Rise Jennifer Ramirez-Part 1
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Have you ever said the following: “Why am I finding myself in the same situation? I need a new man, a new job, and a new house.”? If that sounds like you, then listen to this episode between Jennifer and I as we unpack some of the things that are holding us back. And the answer is not what you think.

Interview with Jennifer Ramirez Podcast Topics:

Stay tuned for Part 2. Interview with Founder & Executive Director of &Rise Jennifer Ramirez

In the meantime, check out Jennifer Ramirez’s website so that you are familiar with all of the services that she has to offer.

Until next time,

Katina Horton

Episode 113: What’s Behind that Door And More…

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The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 113: What's Behind that Door And More...
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Do you like surprises? Some people don’t.

I like good surprises. Although to be honest, when good surprises come, sometimes they can be so shocking that it leads you to being an emotional wreck. In this case, good surprises can feel like bad surprises as I experienced a few years ago.

When you listen in to this week’s podcast episode, you will see how surprises come up in the beginning of a relationship. You also get to decide how you will respond when these relationship surprises come up. Or will you respond at all? Part of creating an empowered new chapter of life is using our power of choice. Be blessed!

Until next time,

Katina

The Relationship Cycle-Entering the Door-Part 3

As I stated in my previous post, there are certain things that are normal when you are first starting off in any relationship. Wanting to do everything that another person wants to do is normal when you are in love; and/or if it’s not a romantic relationship. You want to appear likeable and agreeable. Right?

What happens when the honeymoon phase of these relationships are over? What happens when both parties start to exert their likes/dislikes? And even more importantly, what happens when we ignore our own needs, and are so caught up in the needs of the other person? Yes, these are a lot of questions to ponder.

The truth of the matter is, if we do not work at keeping our own individual identity in tact, then we become involved with what psychologists call enmeshment, and/or codependency. The thing about it is that these two situations do not happen over night. It is kind of like the frog in boiling water. Our own childhood wounds and insecurities, along with that of the other person, play a huge part in whether or not these new identities develop.

We will dive deeper into these two areas in the next post. Would love to hear your feedback on how you shifted from the honeymoon phase of your different relationships in order to take the relationship to the next level.

Be blessed!

Until next time,

Katina

Episode 112: Blocked by Homelessness

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The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 112: Blocked by Homelessness
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Blockage can be caused by a lot of things: injustice, homelessness, oppression, your move on a board game, something bad that you ate. The list could literally go on and on. But the question is… What if God is doing the blocking, and his way of blocking you is homelessness? This is no laughing matter.

When our fight or flight response kicks in, the natural thing to do is to fight when someone or something blocks us. But what if fighting being blocked does more harm than good when God is doing the blocking. What if what appears to be mean, unfair, and unjust is just what we need? What if God’s blockage is God’s protection.

Take a listen to this week’s episode to find out what happened when I was blocked by homelessness.

Be blessed.

Until next time,

Katina

Transcript for the Hearing Impaired

Speaker 0    00:00:23    <inaudible> the valley 

Speaker 1    00:01:04   This is the Valley Of grace podcast, helping women create and empowered new chapter of his life and how we’re doing that. We are breaking unhealthy relationship patterns. We’re building resilience and flourishing, and we are reclaiming our power and identity today’s episode is entitled, blocked by homelessness. Now, when you think of those two things together, when you think of them separately, think of homelessness, not having a home, no dwelling, and then thinking of blocked, the word blocked, being prevented from being able to do something.

So we’re being blocked by homelessness, prevented from being able to do something and homeless is how it was being used. That’s really deep when you think about it. So we’re going to go back to the year 2014. Uh, I was in a process of going through a divorce. The procedure was pretty much done and over with. And I had been looking for a place for 60 days. 

Speaker 1    00:02:34    I mean, literally 60 days of looking, I had not found anything. I had money to pay the rent per month, but I did not have money, any extra money for the security deposit nor for the first month’s rent. So I kept thinking to myself, Lord, how am I going to be able to make it every month? What am I going to do?

And, my therapist gave me a list of places to go to. I went to those places and, um, well I went to one place, the very first place and that didn’t work out. Um, the place was very judgmental and critical. And so, I still have thoughts in my mind of trying to figure out what in the world I was going to do. And I remember leaving that place, being on the bus, the pace bus headed home, and my ex-mother-in-law called and said, I don’t want you and my grandbabies to be in a shelter. 

Speaker 1    00:03:48    I don’t want you to stay in a hotel or to be out on the streets. So I’m going to let you borrow the money that you need. And I remember her telling me that gave me a feeling, this sense of calm and peace about it, but then being on the pace bus on the way home after that, and the holy spirit saying, well, if I want you to be homeless, that’s exactly what’s going to end up happening.

And so sometimes we think that just because someone else gives us what it is that we need to prevent us from being blocked means that we are no longer going to be blocked. However, when we are blocked, that is God’s hands at work, whatever door he opens, whatever door he closes is not in our control and it’s not in anyone else’s control. And the more we fight against it, the more we become unraveled with the situation, the more we’re like, I’m going to do it on my own, God since, you’re not going to let me do it. 

Part 2

Speaker 1    00:04:57    You’re not going to open the door. You’re not going to help me find a way another job, another home I’m going to do it on my own. And we end up being burnt out. We end up bitter disillusioned resentful, whether it’s, um, I guess God or whoever, but it’s not a good end result.

And so I had got to a point where I was just exhausted from looking and looking and looking and not finding anything. I had this glimmer of hope when she said that. But then after I heard the holy spirit is saying, if I want you to be homeless, this that’s what’s going to happen. But then a whole another set of thoughts start coming in my mind like, wow, I could actually end up being homeless on the day that I have to move out. I could actually end up being homeless, me and the kids. 

Part 3

Speaker 1    00:05:51    And what am I going to do? I decided I would go ahead and create this new empowered chapter of life of myself, move forward in the steps to reclaiming my power and identity, to break all of those unhealthy relationship patterns. I started that and my decision to go to therapy. That was the beginning of it. That was the one step I made to move forward.

And then it’s like, okay. So after all of this, this is what you give me, Lord is what I was thinking at the time. Just feeling very discouraged, discouraged because of that discouraged because of the dishonesty, um, with my ex-husband and court and just not knowing what I was going to do,  we only have so much emotional and mental bandwidth and it’s just like, what in the world am I going to do? How am I going to make it? 

Speaker 1    00:06:47    We were used to living a certain type of lifestyle, if that was what was going to happen, it was not going to be up to me. I was doing the very best I could and whatever God had planned was what he had planned.

And one thing about it was that, um, we ended up not finding a place before having to move from the marital residence. Okay. The short sale went through really quick and we had to be out of there. But a friend of mine already mentioned to me, if you guys don’t have anywhere to go, as you are pulling out from your place, just text me and let me know you’re on your way that you and the kids are on the way. And that really, really, really gave me hope and more of  a sense of purpose.

Part 4

Speaker 1    00:07:51    When you are facing loneliness, homelessness, and other factors involved, you’re just like, what am I going to do? So you start to have like an existential crisis and you just wandering, okay, “Am I still going to be, to carry on my purpose? That’s a lot of unknowns that come about and a lot of things as a result of poverty and homelessness.

And so her telling me that gave me hope. And, um, I didn’t know, but God knew that if I had moved the kids and I right away, we would have suffered even more trauma. I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted from packing at the last minute and getting things already.

So, sense we had to leave out of there on that Friday, I would not have had the capacity to move again and unpack all of that stuff. And then try to just start out living everyday life. Again, we needed a layover, but I did not know that at the time. So a lot of times God will block us from being able to do things that we want, but there is a purpose behind it. There’s always a purpose, you know, and I remember my therapist telling me even years ago, when I first started going, you’re going to be pulling back layers for years. 

Part 5

Speaker 1    00:09:29    God blocked me so I could have a place of rest, physical rest and spiritual west, minus any emotional risks. He did this for five weeks..  But after, um, three weeks of being blocked, we found something, but wasn’t going to be able to move for another two weeks.

We needed that break. And so, a lot of times when we were right in the middle, we were right in the thick of things. We don’t see that. We want the instant gratification, you know, and we see God, we think he’s punishing us, but he’s not. It’s all within his will  for a specific purpose in mind. And so, when my friend and her husband took us in, um, we felt the peace, the warmth, the fellowship of God there, and we were able to have our own rooms. 

Speaker 1    00:10:35    My daughter and I shared a room, and my son was able to have his own space down in the basement, a full-size basement, like an apartment down there. So, it was the blessing that God gave us. Yes, you’re going to be homeless, but you’re going to be comfortable. While you’re in this state of homelessness. God’s grace is there.

Part 6

He was even when I felt that he wasn’t and sometimes people will come up to us when we’re in whatever state we’re in, we’re already broken already, already trying to get some grounding, and then say, “There must be something you’re doing wrong. Otherwise, this wouldn’t happen.

You should just do this, this and this. You didn’t apply to the right places. Um, you know, apply it in the right areas.  It’s always something that they’ve got to find, especially when you are a woman of God and they know how you are, you know, there’s gotta be, it’s gotta be something you’re doing because they can’t come up with any reasoning, which is natural when you think about it.  Why would God allow his people to suffer more when they have already suffered?

Speaker 1    00:11:48    It was like with Job, when he was sick, his friends, all of a sudden, they had to say, “He’s got to be something wrong. Otherwise, why would this happen to you?” There’s not always something we do that causes it to happen.

Some things is just that God knows best. And even if his best is homelessness, that is his best for us for any particular reason. And like I said, we needed the rest and didn’t know it.  None of us are exempt from being blocked by homelessness or any other thing that God decides. Okay. And so we can be honest, and open up and say, God, I’m angry. I don’t like what it is you’re doing. 

Part 7

Speaker 1    00:12:43    I’m really upset God, please help me. As I walk through this journey that you would have me walk that is very unpleasant, please help me to continue to do your will because you know, best. This is what I would want in my calling and my job, whatever my profession is, or this is what kind of car I want , what kind of house, what kind of neighborhood, but you’re blocking me from having it for whatever reason, I accept it. 

And the more we resist, the harder it will be for us to learn whatever it is God wants us to learn. To be able to develop our character in order for us to grow, thrive, and have that empowered new chapter of life, to be able to reclaim our power and identity. And just because we made those decisions, we made that choice to do that does not mean it’s going to be easy. 

Speaker 1    00:13:38    It does not mean that God would not block us for certain periods of time for us to grow and to learn and to protect us for whatever reason. So, I hope that it’s something that was said that would resonate with you.

I don’t know if you’ve ever been blocked by homelessness yourself. Um, if you are enjoying the valley of grace podcast, where we’re helping women create an empowered new chapter of life, do me a favor and leave us a review. If you could tag your friends on social media and let them know to listen to us on iTunes, apple podcasts, Google podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, Amazon music, and podcasts.

And if you are feeling like you just cannot go on, and you are tempted to go back, turn around, you need some type of music, some type of encouragement to keep you going, so you won’t revert back to the way it used to be, as the song says, “ Download the valley of grace song. It is on iTunes. And it’s also on Amazon music.

As you have those words resonate in your head, I won’t go back to the way it was again.  You do not have to repeat cycles of unhealthy relationships. You do not have to repeat that. And that song is there to remind you. I won’t go back to the way that it was again. I want to thank Timothy Horton for bringing the intro and outro music.  Until next time. <inaudible> 

Episode 111: What Will Satisfy My Cravings?

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The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 111: What Will Satisfy My Cravings?
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There’s nothing worse than being out all day, and being hungry. What’s even worse is when you are craving your favorite food that is waiting for you in the refrigerator when you get home, but when you get home, someone in the house has eaten it. You literally feel like crying.

Now what?

What is going to satisfy the craving that you had for that fried chicken, steak sandwich, quinoa salad, Chinese food, or garbage pizza? The craving is so bad that it leaves you devastated.

Switch scenes.

You just got out of a toxic relationship. Your soul is craving that person because of the soul-tie that was created. What are you going to do?

You have three options: lean into God, go back to the cycle of unhealthy relationship patterns, or go into another toxic relationship instead of giving yourself time to heal.

Which one will you choose?

Listen in to today’s episode to find out what will satisfy our cravings.

Until next time,

Katina

The Relationship Cycle -Our Cravings

When we think of cravings, we often think of food, and not relationship. Cravings are normal. As a matter of fact, they are nothing more than evidence that we are human. Sometimes we can get so holy that we think relationship cravings are wrong. God created Eve so that she could satisfy Adam’s craving for human relationships, even though he already had a relationship with God. God created us to crave relationships.

We get into trouble when our cravings lead to lust, or we place our craving for human relationship above our craving for relationship with God. Our cravings for relationship enables us to know that we were made for community.

Creating an empowered new chapter of life involves healing from past hurts. Healing from past hurts gives us perspective and the ability to see that our whole reason for existence is based upon the concept of relationships.

If we were to dissect the healthy and unhealthy cycle of any relationship, we would notice that both cycles begin with craving. It is what happens next that often gets us in trouble. We will dig deep into the next phase of the relationship cycle in my next post.

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:19

Until next time,

Katina

Episode 109: Creating An Empowered New Chapter of Life After Birth Story Trauma

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 109: Creating An Empowered New Chapter of Life After Birth Story Trauma
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Being pregnant and giving birth should be a joyous occasion. For one reason or another, it is not for some women. Both the pregnancy and the birth story can be traumatic. Sometimes we take this for granted. While some women are glowing and talking about how exciting their experience is, or was, others are cringing or locking up inside because they didn’t have the same experience, and they are afraid to speak up about it. Listen to this podcast episode to be inspired, encouraged, uplifted, and validated when it comes to your birth story. Be blessed!

Podcast Topics

  • Unforeseen Events During Pregnancy
  • Birth Story Trauma
  • Tips and Advice for those Women Who Suffered in Silence
  • How to Avoid Doing it Alone
  • What do the experts Say

Scripture Reading

An Ordinary Start

When Jacob came back from Paddan Aram, God appeared to him again. God blessed Jacob 10 and said to him, “Your name is Jacob, but I will change that name. You will no longer be called Jacob. Your new name will be Israel. So God named him Israel.

11 God said to him, “I am God All-Powerful,[f] and I give you this blessing: Have many children and grow into a great nation. Other nations and other kings will come out of you. 12 I gave Abraham and Isaac some special land. Now I give the land to you and to all your people who will live after you.” 13 Then God left that place. 14-15 Jacob set up a memorial stone there. He made the rock holy by pouring wine and oil on it. This was a special place because God spoke to Jacob there, and Jacob named the place Bethel.

A Traumatic End-Rachel Dies Giving Birth

16 Jacob and his group left Bethel. Before they came to Ephrath, Rachel began giving birth to her baby. 17 She was having a lot of trouble with this birth. She was in great pain. When her nurse saw this, she said, “Don’t be afraid, Rachel. You are giving birth to another son.”

18 Rachel died while giving birth to the son. Before dying, she named the boy Benoni.[g]

Episode 104: An Interview with Chris Archuleta: Creating An Empowered New Chapter of Life After Burnout

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 104: An Interview with Chris Archuleta: Creating An Empowered New Chapter of Life After Burnout
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Burnout is becoming more and more common in our everyday life. Hearing the word itself makes you think that perhaps it’s just an overused, over-personified thing. But it isn’t. People suffer from burnout, with its effects lasting for years. The sooner that we put boundaries into place to avoid it, the more that our minds, bodies, and souls will thank us.

In my conversation with Chris, he expressed the fact that people resist change after burnout, or any other type of brokenness because they get comfortable in what they are in, feeling that it is easier to stay the same, than to do the work.

But, we all know that healing from past hurts brings resilience and perspective. Perspective is what is needed in order to embrace the act of creating an empowered new chapter of life. I pray that this episode will empower you in creating your new chapter. Click here to check out Chris Archuleta’s site and podcast. Be blessed.

Until next time,

Katina

Podcast Topics

  • Burnout
  • Flourishing
  • Relationships
  • Resilience
  • Mindset
  • Our Will vs. God’s Will
  • The Definition of Success