When you are in the “Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior” Phase, there are so many different things going on. First of all, the honeymoon is over. Secondly, it doesn’t matter whether you are in a healthy or toxic relationship cycle, you are going to have problems.
The main difference is in how you choose to deal with these problems.
One thing that is common in both cycles is that once both individuals go from symbiosis to differentiation, and the individual problems manifest themselves, initially neither person knows what to say or do in order to confront the problems.
This is evident because one person usually walks around being angry/hostile all the time, and then the other person walks around doing passive-aggressive things all the time, instead of bringing the problem(s) up.
Some examples of passive/aggressive behavior would be eye-rolling, letting the other person’s food burn up, noticing that the other person somehow missed their alarm going off, and not saying anything, and doing anything else that gets on the other person’s last nerve.
None of these things will solve the problem.
For some reason, as humans, we think that ignoring our problems are like bad dreams that will eventually go away.
When we go to this place for dealing with problems, we are definitely on our own Fantasy Island. “Cause guess what?” It ain’t happenin’. Those problems are still there.
As a matter of fact, the lump underneath the rug is getting bigger and bigger.
So the question remains, what in the world are you going to do about it?
In the next post, we will talk about what usually happens for both the healthy and toxic relationship cycle.
Whether you are in a healthy or unhealthy relationship, the third phase of the relationship cycle is “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior Begin”.
One might think, “Why would there be problems?”
Well, for starters, you have two imperfect individuals. And no matter how you do the math, two imperfect individuals equals one imperfect relationship.
In order for a pattern of behavior to occur, you have to be in a relationship with someone. It doesn’t matter who that person is. It is in this interpersonal exchange, so to speak, that your issues will manifest themselves.
Nine times out of ten, your unhealthy patterns of behavior were developed in childhood, and as the old saying goes, “there is more that is caught than taught”. We model what we have seen. And what we have seen comes from the five people we are around the most.
And in the case of children, that means the five people are more than likely the individuals in their household and/or their grandparents that have helped to form a certain perspective in their head as far as how relationships should run.
The problem that can erupt from this is that if those patterns of behavior were never checked by your immediate family, friends, coworkers, and ministry partners, you have carried them around in a backpack for years, and now, as you are entering phase three of the relationship cycle in your marriage, you are unloading them onto the other person.
In the next post, we will talk about how these problems manifest themselves in “The Unhealthy Relationship Cycle”.
Prophetic Word!!! Does it mean it’s too late to dream again if you reclaim your power and identity? What does coaching have to do with reclaiming your power and identity? What is the relationship between fear and unhealthy relationships? Do you need confidence in order to be empowered? What is the correlation between humility, meekness, and fear? How is having community an art? Find out the answers to these questions and more as you listen to the interview between Coach Isabelle Stephenson and me on The Valley of Grace Podcast. Did you miss the last two interviews with Dr. Alice Koech? Catch them here. Be blessed!
Isabelle’s Life Story
Dreaming: Is it too late?
Benefits of Coaching
Unhealthy Relationships and Fear
Empowerment and Confidence
Humility & Meekness
Seasons of Relationships
Isabelle has put together a special gift for my listeners at the following link:
Do you want to get to the good stuff? I know I do. We want a magic pill for everything. Forget about the healing and the pain. Later for that. It sounds like the perfect plan. However, if your plan is to go from where you are now, to where you want to be, skipping over the pain will only take you back to where you are now. It may seem counterintuitive. However, the only way to the other side is through. As Jennifer put it in this episode: “Healing is a choice.” Creating an empowered new chapter of life requires healing from past hurts. And when you are healed, you gain resilience and perspective that you couldn’t have gained otherwise. Listen to the last part of this series between Jennifer and I as we dissect healing, our need for instant gratification, not enoughness and so much more.
No matter what situation it is, the hardest part about taking on any task when it comes to self-growth and self development is dealing with you. It feels better to hold up the mirror to everybody else? It makes us feel like we are better somehow.
But guess what? Paying attention to what everybody else is doing is a blinder for minding your own business and digging deeper into our own pile of junk.
When you are playing the role of a codependent, you don’t have time to check in with yourself to see what’s really going on. Your focus is on saving the other person. As mentioned in the last post, codependents stay in the state they are in number one, because of fear, and then number two: insecurities.
“The common areas of insecurities and or brokenness are low self-esteem, low self-worth, poor body image, and not enoughness. Codependents cover up these areas by becoming the Savior of the day in their spouse’s, coworker’s, friend’s, or ministry partner’s life. So, even when you have the come to Jesus moment and stop doing things for the other person, if you don’t take the time to do the self-work, you will be right back to wearing your cape as Savior of the day, and playing Jesus.
Frustration is the catalyst for change. However, that is only if the desire and hard work required to be a better version of you outweighs the pain of staying in the comfort zone of where you are now. “
Creating an empowered new chapter of life involves healing from past hurts. And in turn, healing from past hurts helps us to gain resilience and perspective. In our next post, I will discuss the dangers of enmeshment.
Next in line to our own brokenness, the number one reason women go from one unhealthy relationship to the next is the fear of being alone. The unspoken rule becomes “I gotta have a man.” And when we follow this rule, and not give ourselves sufficient time to heal, we continue the unhealthy relationship patterns of behavior. Space, time, and stillness gives us clarity, discernment, and the ability to hear God’s voice. However, the craving for a new physical relationship often outweighs the cravings in our hearts for God. Listen to the second part of the interview between Jennifer Ramirez and I to hear more on this topic along with why women often fall victim to narcissistic relationships.
An Interview with Jennifer Ramirez Part 2 Podcast Outline Topics
The Unhealthy Relationship Cycle
Knowing Your Worth
Dealing With Our Brokenness
Having a Come to Jesus Moment
The Loneliness Factor
The Perfect Ingredient for a Narcissist
Stepping out in Faith
Stay tuned for Part 3. Interview with Founder & Executive Director of &Rise Jennifer Ramirez
In the meantime, check out Jennifer Ramirez’s website so that you are familiar with all of the services that she has to offer.
I like good surprises. Although to be honest, when good surprises come, sometimes they can be so shocking that it leads you to being an emotional wreck. In this case, good surprises can feel like bad surprises as I experienced a few years ago.
When you listen in to this week’s podcast episode, you will see how surprises come up in the beginning of a relationship. You also get to decide how you will respond when these relationship surprises come up. Or will you respond at all? Part of creating an empowered new chapter of life is using our power of choice. Be blessed!
As I stated in my previous post, there are certain things that are normal when you are first starting off in any relationship. Wanting to do everything that another person wants to do is normal when you are in love; and/or if it’s not a romantic relationship. You want to appear likeable and agreeable. Right?
What happens when the honeymoon phase of these relationships are over? What happens when both parties start to exert their likes/dislikes? And even more importantly, what happens when we ignore our own needs, and are so caught up in the needs of the other person? Yes, these are a lot of questions to ponder.
The truth of the matter is, if we do not work at keeping our own individual identity in tact, then we become involved with what psychologists call enmeshment, and/or codependency. The thing about it is that these two situations do not happen over night. It is kind of like the frog in boiling water. Our own childhood wounds and insecurities, along with that of the other person, play a huge part in whether or not these new identities develop.
We will dive deeper into these two areas in the next post. Would love to hear your feedback on how you shifted from the honeymoon phase of your different relationships in order to take the relationship to the next level.
When we think of cravings, we often think of food, and not relationship. Cravings are normal. As a matter of fact, they are nothing more than evidence that we are human. Sometimes we can get so holy that we think relationship cravings are wrong. God created Eve so that she could satisfy Adam’s craving for human relationships, even though he already had a relationship with God. God created us to crave relationships.
We get into trouble when our cravings lead to lust, or we place our craving for human relationship above our craving for relationship with God. Our cravings for relationship enables us to know that we were made for community.
Creating an empowered new chapter of life involves healing from past hurts. Healing from past hurts gives us perspective and the ability to see that our whole reason for existence is based upon the concept of relationships.
If we were to dissect the healthy and unhealthy cycle of any relationship, we would notice that both cycles begin with craving. It is what happens next that often gets us in trouble. We will dig deep into the next phase of the relationship cycle in my next post.
And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.
Would you consider yourself the kind of person that goes in and out of relationships? Are you the cause, or would you say it’s the other person? If it is the other person, why is it that you find yourself staying in the relationship? What need is the relationship providing? Perhaps it’s validation. And if it is, the need for validation can easily lead to burnout. Ask Moses. Find out about this and more when you listen to this week’s episode: Broken Relationships, Resilience, and The Danger of Validation.
At Valley of Grace, we believe in thriving. In order to thrive, we have to begin grounding ourselves in our identity. The first step in making this happen, is dealing with the effects of our childhood wounds. Click here to get started in Online Therapy today.****This is an amazon affiliate link where a commission is paid to offsite the cost of providing this information to you.
Speaker 0 00:00:17 Music plays. Valley of Grace Speaker 1 00:01:17 Welcome to the Healing Our Brokenness podcast where we dissect problems and solutions that exists among broken people, living in a broken world. And we also believe here at Healing our brokenness, that we’re going from broken relationships to resilience and flourishing. Today’s episode is episode number 99. And the title of this episode is broken relationships, resilience, flourishing, and the dangers of validation.
Now, when it comes to relationships, it takes a while to get to know people. And then after that, we have the time period, of getting to know them. We can pretty much tell if that person is going to work out for us. And this is whether it’s a romantic relationship or it could be a friendship or all of the above. And so, sometimes we get to the point where we are staying in our relationships too long and, they could be for a variety of reasons.
Speaker 1 00:02:45 And one of the reasons that we can stay in relationships too long would be simply just being in denial. We see the writing on the wall, so to speak and we are still trying to make a go out of it. Either the person is not treating us, right, or we’re not able to meet their needs, and there are consistent patterns of inconsistency.
For whatever reason, it’s not working out, and we are refusing to accept reality for the way that it is. So a lot of times we will stay in broken relationships longer than we really need to be doing. Another reason why we may stay in relationships would be for the simple fact of it fulfilling a need that we have. So we know that the relationship is not good.
Speaker 1 00:03:53 We know that this person is not good for us. They had not bringing out the best in who we are as individuals, not helping to bring out holiness in us. They are not helping us to bring out the qualities in us that, would basically help to elevate us in our calling in our worship of God and our walk with God. But we are in every toxic/incompatible relationship because we have woundedness inside.
And what is happening is we are having a need being met through that particular individual. And that’s why we are staying in something that we should no longer be in, indication of woundedness that has not been taken care of. But we are blinded to seeing that because we are addicted to having that need met at all costs. Speaker 1 00:04:55 So either we are being a savior to someone enabling them in areas of their irresponsibility or it’s something within us that is satisfying us.
That’s keeping us in that relationship. And sometimes it takes someone on the outside to come in to say, Hey, I noticed, you know, you keep telling me about the same thing where I notice you keep doing the same thing in response, or to initiate. Is there something else going on here that you want to talk about ? And so today I want to talk about Moses, who got to the point where he was standing and being judge over the people from morning, all the way till night. And we all know that if we’re doing something from early in the morning, all the way to night, nighttime, eventually that’s going to lead to burn out is definitely not going to help us to be resilient individuals.
Speaker 1 00:06:04 Because if you’re trying to develop a resilience emotionally, mentally, and physically, we have to have boundaries in place according to when we know our energy levels are at their best. And so what he was doing by wearing himself out, standing there and advising the people, he was not allowing himself time alone with God , to get his overflow so that he was be able to overflow and pour out to the people, but his need was being validated. He needed to have that approval. And that’s why he was in it so long. And I’m quite sure he was tired himself, but that need, that inner turmoil that was inside of him, that woundedness of having been rejected as a baby, those seeds and a spirit of rejection was already sewn into him.
Speaker 1 00:07:12 He also didn’t feel in place where he was because he knew that he was not an Egyptian. And it happens sometimes like this with people who are trying to get their identities and ethnicities figured out where, if they’re the child of parents, of two different races or ethnic groups, and sometimes they don’t feel at home in one group. And sometimes they don’t feel at home in another group and them trying to reconcile all of this. So Moses was having some issues with that need for approval and validation from these people, just from people in general.
And so their need to seek help and want guidance and want to judge over them was actually feeding into this need for him. So that means he was getting approval all day long from morning to night. And that could not have been good for his inner ego. And when we are in situations like that, it is so good that we have an inner circle. We have a support group or both. We have friends that see what’s going on, or either hear from what we’re telling them. And they’re coming to us and saying, you know what?
Speaker 1 00:08:43 I don’t think that’s good. Do you mind if I talk to you? You know, if we go out for coffee and we talk and this and that, the other, you know, I’ve been listening to you, and I feel like there are some missing pieces. Tell me about the situation.
One of the things about Moses, as far as trying to develop resilience, is that his body needed to rest, poured into, with the word of God, developing emotion intelligence, and to have emotional intelligence, you have to be able to be developing emotion skills. Because when you are talking to people all day long from morning to night, and you’re not taking a break to rejuvenate yourself, their issues end up weighing down in your spirit and soul.
Speaker 1 00:09:41 And so what happens though, we’re wounded and broken and that area needed validation and approval. We don’t even have time to think about that. We just try to fulfill that or whatever needs, which has to be addressed, or the cycle keeps continuing. Thank the Lord for Moses’s situation that he listened to his father-in-law. And this is what it says in the scripture. I’m going to read it for you guys. When his father-in-law saw all that Moses was doing for the people, right?
What is this you are doing for the people? Why all these people stand around you from morning. So evening, Moses answered him because the people come to seek God’s will, whenever they have it, dispute is brought to me. And I decide between the parties and informed them of God’s decrees and laws. Moses’s father-in-law replied. Speaker 1 00:10:41 What you are doing is not good. You people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too hard. You can not handle it alone.
Listen now to me, and I’ll give you some advice and may God be with you. You must be the people’s representative before God and bring their disputes to him, teach them. .. select capable, men, from men who fear God, trustworthy, men, who hate dishonest gain and appoint them officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties, have them serve as judges for the people at all times, but have them bring every difficult case to you. The simple cases they can decide themselves that will make your load lighter, because they will share it with you. If you do this God so commands, you would able to stand the strength and all of these people will go home satisfied.
Speaker 1 00:11:53 Moses listened to his father-in-law and did everything. He chose capable men and made them leaders of the people, officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties, and tens. They served as judges for the people at all times the difficult cases they brought to Moses, but the simple ones, they decided themselves. So like I said before, praise the Lord that Moses listened to his father-in-law.
And that was the beginning of ability to be able to be resilient is that he was able to take advice. His father-in-law served as a guide for him. And when we are going through our trials and tribulations, and our stories, we need someone to serve as a guide for us. This is what, his father-in-law DID for him. And that gave him space to be still, have that margin of space and time with God, to be able to deal with his own wounded business of validation.
Speaker 1 00:13:03 Because what happens is if we do not deal with that woundedness, then what happens is we’re always depending on other people to validate us, we’re always dependent upon other people to help us to feel worthy.
We’ll always dependent upon other people to help us to feel that approval when the only one that could give it to us, and that will fill us up is God. And every time we feel like, you know, we have arrived at a certain level of healing, there might still be times where every blue moon, that brokenness area will come up, we can say, dear Jesus! God help me! You have already validated me with your son’s death on the cross, I am worthy. I am valued, redeemed, the righteousness of God in Christ. I do not need anyone else’s validation to approve I’m yours Lord.
Speaker 1 00:13:51 So it’s not saying we’re not gonna continue to struggle. It won’t control us as it was doing with Moses. But as I said, thank God. He listened in the cases where we don’t listen. And we continue in what we’re doing that after a while, people will get tired of us. We’re human beings.
We’re not God. And they’ll say, you know what? You keep telling me about the same thing over and over again. We’ve given you our advice. You won’t take our advice. You keep saying the same thing over and over again. And it wears them out is what ends up happening. It just literally wears them out. Self pity is toxic and it wears people out. Victim mode can be toxic and wear people out.
Speaker 1 00:14:46 And so what happens is either we will leave because they won’t keep validating our brokenness, or they will leave because they’re sick and tired of hearing us. And we ended up having to come to the end of our ropes in a situation of languishing. Literally, before we get a clue, like something is wrong here, people keep leaving. My emotional, mental health is going downstream.
And when it comes to validation, it will go downstream because we have to keep constantly seeking that approval. And that addiction for approval. One while, I cleaned all day long to make sure that the house looked a certain way. And it was like, no matter how clean it was, it still wasn’t enough. I had to have it as a museum and I had to seek approval and validation and my self worth from my ex-husband and not realizing I was turning that into an idol. I was turning cleaning into an idol.
And the bigger problem was me and my identity. And knowing that God is enough. That was the biggest problem I had. Knowing he was enough, and that I did not deserve certain treatment, and have to prove anything different. So I hope that something that was said here today would resonate with you. I want to thank Timothy Horton for bringing our intro and outro music to us every week. And I want to thank you guys as my listeners for coming in and tuning in to Healing Our Brokenness podcast.