When you think of the Story of Samson and Delilah, you think about hair, strength, and a downfall. The story of Samson and Delilah teaches you more than that. It gives you the steps of the toxic relationship cycle from start to finish starting with the love-bombing, and then ending with the discard.
You seem to be doing everything that you need to do, but you are not healing. And for the life of you, you can’t figure out why. The thing is, you are really doing what it is you want to do, and not what you need. Take a listen.
In case you missed last week’s podcast, click here.
You have gone without affection, attention, and having your needs met for so long that you are tapped out. All the games have played out. The breadcrumbing has phased out. And you are out of options.
You can literally sense your partner detaching from you.
Whenever you try to bring up the reality of the situation to your partner, his way of handling things is to just peace out.
He starts running away from you.
You don’t know what to do. And so you do what you feel makes the most sense.
You start running after him.
And the more you run after him, the more he runs away. It’s like watching Tom and Jerry, but it’s not a laughing matter.
You stop the chasing long enough to sit down with pen and paper, trying to figure out the magic formula to fix/change/control him and/or the situation.
You forget about the fact that love involves freedom. You just want your needs met.
The Chase starts up again. But the formula isn’t working out like you planned.
So, what are you going to do?
What any woman who has given herself the title “The Fixer” would do.
You are going to sit down at the table and come up with another formula.
And you are going to confront him about it. Besides, it has gone on long enough. Arguing with him about the situation is better than no attention at all.
The problem is, you haven’t even stopped to pray or ask God about his will in the situation.
You are too exhausted to even think straight.
Why?
You have been in this state for too long. And you feel that the only way that things can get better is if you make them better.
Stay tuned for the next post to find out what happens next.
Until next time,
Katina
Everybody keeps talking about avoiding toxic 
relationships.
But how do you know what to avoid if you don’t know what to look 
for?
Check out today’s episode: “6 Ways to Know You Are in a Toxic Relationship” to Figure Out if your relationship is just broken 
, or on a whole ‘nother level entitled “Toxicity.
Until next time,
Katina
Who wants to deal with drama during the holidays? No one. We all want to live in peace and happiness, so to speak. Even if, as we talked about before, that peace and happiness is stemming from a false sense of peace.
There is still a desire. When you deal with the spirit of manipulation, namely, narcissism, during the holidays, it can turn your world upside down. Today, I will discuss several different things you must do in order to make that load lighter, and still be able to enjoy the holidays.
Until next time,
Katina
How does one know that she has been in “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior Phase” too long?
You know you have been in The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior Phase of a toxic relationship too long when you have normalized blame shifting, guilt and obligation, gaslighting ️, and walking around in a state of cognitive dissonance all the time.
What is causing the cognitive dissonance? Cognitive dissonance is caused by the fact that your values, beliefs, core sense of self, faith, and everything else in between, is incongruent with the life you are living.
Another thing that causes cognitive dissonance is going through the mean and sweet cycles, better known as breadcrumbing.
What is breadcrumbing ?
Breadcrumbing is when your partner, or any other person you are in a toxic relationship with, gives you something to keep you smiling and happy to make you forget about the fact that you are living in a constant state of emotional abuse and mistreatment.
Long story short, it is a pacifier.
Think about when infants and toddlers are crying, and you need to get your housework done. And perhaps they are hungry, and you need 15 more minutes to finish your project and then feed them.
So, you give them a pacifier. A pacifier does not take the place of food. It is something that gives temporary relief and comfort.
Breadcrumbing has the same affect. It is only temporary relief from the mistreatment that you have been receiving.
Unlike dealing with your infant or toddler, in a toxic relationship, breadcrumbing is a way of saying, “Yes, I’m not treating you right big time. And I know this. I’ll throw you a little bone here and there to make you forget about how awful it is.”
What are some of the breadcrumbs? Going to the movies, chocolate candy, teddy bears , going on vacation, going out to dinner , and on and on.
And we all have enough common sense to know that none of these things will ever makeup for mistreatment.
However, after being in this phase for so long, you have been conditioned to accept these things as being enough, which causes even more cognitive dissonance and disrespect, dishonor, and devaluing of self.
To not accept the breadcrumbing as being enough is to face the truth. And as the Scriptures tell us, the truth is what brings freedom. However, you are not ready for that freedom. Not in this stage. You want the temporary relief, not the pain that goes along with freedom.
And thus, the movie continues.
In my next post, we will discuss the next phase in the toxic relationship cycle. And that phase is languishing.
Until next time,
Katina
When you are in a toxic relationship, and living in the “Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior Phase”, every day is a television soap opera.
No one needs to buy a streaming service. Your drama is streaming for a live studio audience.
You and your partner in the toxic relationship are in the grocery store. You run into one of his friends. There is no introduction.
They start smiling at each other with a look that makes you feel uncomfortable. Then, your partner says, “ I will catch up with you in the cereal aisle.”
You head to the cereal aisle, looking back, as your partner is deeply engaged in conversation with his friend , giving him googly eyes.
Something feels very wrong.
Two days later, you are upstairs in your bedroom. You realize that you are a little bit hungry and head downstairs to the refrigerator.
Upon entering that level, you overhear your partner talking to this same friend about your personal business, and in turn, she is obviously sharing hers.
You are cringing and feeling totally exposed. What are you going to do now?
You decide to pray, and wait and see.
Two days later, you decide to confront your partner about his inappropriate behavior, words, and actions in the grocery store and on the phone, which is enough evidence that something is going on.
You also tell your partner that you are feeling unloved, betrayed, and exposed.
His response?
“ Well, when I first met you, I told you that I had a lot of female friends. You never should’ve been eavesdropping on me. Plus, you are being jealous and insecure like always.”
You start feeling bad. And then you start thinking that perhaps he is telling the truth. Maybe you over-responded to the apparently too-close-for comfort behavior.
You apologize, letting him know that you will try to do better. Although you are now feeling guilty for saying something, something still feels wrong and you can’t figure it out.
You have now entered the world of “ Cognitive Dissonance”.
Cognitive dissonance occurs when your belief, knowledge, and reality are misaligned.
Living like this keeps you in a state of being off-balance.
The whole episode of guilt tripping explained in this post is another form of gaslighting, a.k.a. emotional abuse.
And this is just the beginning of the season.
Until next time,
Katina
Have you ever been distracted? If so, what happened as an end result? Did the end result help or harm your situation? Listen in as we dissect what happens when you drink the distraction and manipulation cocktail. I know. You probably didn’t know that it could be deadly.
It’s getting cold outside. At least, that’s what’s happening here in the Midwest. Some people will be purchasing new batteries for their car. Other people will be purchasing new batteries for their games. These are not board games. They are games that narcissists play. Where do you fit in?
When you are in a toxic relationship and living in “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior Phase”, your life becomes a never-ending theater production.
You are playing a role that you never signed up for.
But you might as well had signed up for it, because every scene features you and the toxic person in your toxic relationship.
All the other characters involved become props for each scene, and scripts are written for each character to play.
Along with gaslighting, the toxic person will began the process of devaluing you.
So, while you’re looking for your enoughness and worthiness in him, he is looking for ways to downgrade you to an even lower status.
So many things are going on at this point.
You are desperately trying to get your needs met, and you notice your partner is treating you differently because somehow, he realizes you are a flawed individual.
And of course, he is too, as we all are.
He just haven’t looked in the mirror to find out.
So, what do you do?
You say, “Baby, I notice you don’t treat me the same.”
He pretends like he doesn’t understand what you are talking about.
Then, you say, “How do I get you to love me like you did before? You don’t pay me any attention.”
That’s when the games begin.
And the name of the game is entitled “If you could just”.
Your toxic partner says, “Well, if you dressed more attractive, then I would have a reason to look at you.”
You go out and buy fifty dresses. But none of them are good enough.
You are still in the same boat.
Still hustling for self-worth.
Still trying to get back to the beginning when you were love-bombed.
You Go back to your partner again.
Then, you say, “How do I get you to love me like you did before? You don’t pay me any attention.”
Your toxic partner says, “Well, if you wore more attractive makeup, then I would have a reason to look at you.”
You go and spend $500 on three different makeup lines, and nothing changes.
You Go back to your partner again.
Then, you say, “How do I get you to love me like you did before? You don’t pay me any attention.”
Your toxic partner says, “Well, if you wore a more attractive hairstyle, then I would have a reason to look at you.”
After several more rounds of this “If you could just” game, you realize that the truth of the matter is, “You are never going back to the beginning.”
Never. Ever.
You missed that email.
Now, what are you going to do?
Only you can decide.
Stay tuned for the next post on guilt tripping.
Until next time,
Katina
