Since when did God tell you that being in a toxic relationship was carrying your cross or performing ministry? Satan uses all kind of lies to warp our vision of love and keep us trapped in a vicious cycle of never-ending pain. We think we will get clarity on getting out of a toxic relationship without acknowledging the truth.
But even after acknowledging the truth, you have to act. You cannot just sit and wait on God. Acting on the truth and tackling your mindset will help you in making healthy relationship choices, walking in your identity and purpose, and stepping into your calling. You have been anointed to reach the nations. Listen in to Coach Eston Swaby and I as we tackle these issues and more.
One of the hardest things to do after being in a narcissistic or any other kind of toxic relationship is to practice self-care. Self-care is an art. Not a science.
At first, the temptation can be to write out a list of different things that must be done for self-care to take place. There is no right or wrong way. However, a must-follow list will only have you focusing on rigidity. Self-care shouldn’t be painstaking.
The common things that we think of when it comes to self-care is polishing our nails, going to the spa, shampooing our hair, etc. All these things are part of self-care. However, when you think of self-care in terms of caring for your mind, body, and soul (mind, will, and emotions), the things that you do to enforce self-care will become more of a holistic and natural approach rather than one that is forced.
One thing that helps to reinforce a natural approach is to journal, asking your mind, body, and soul, “What do you need today?”
Narcissistic relationships drain all your resources and energy on every level. This was your norm and has to be unlearned. And as with any other habit, releasing one habit means replacing it with another.
Developing principles of self-care for yourself, and then other care for your children, extended family, and other important relationships in your life will be the driving force for helping you to move forward.
Once you know what these principles will look like, then you can establish boundaries around these principles for yourself and others. For years you have conditioned yourself to placing yourself at the bottom of the list. After your partner. After your children. And after everyone else. And in some instances, not at all.
Self-Care as Self-Love
Self-care is part of self-love. And self-love is part of the practice of developing an intimate relationship with yourself by becoming self-aware of who you are as a person, where you are as a person, and where it is you are going, along with where you want to be.
You are already enough. You do not have to wear yourself down and ignore your self in order to please others and gain approval from others. Grab your keys to the kingdom and get your inheritance.
When it comes to healing from narcissistic abuse, it can be so tempting for women to think their number one priority after leaving the toxic relationship is pouring everything that they can into their children so that they will be OK.
In theory, it seems like the perfect thing to do. Give them everything that they have been missing and more.
However, in reality, the best thing that you can do as a mother is to follow the instructions of the stewardess on the airplane .
You must put your oxygen mask on first.
When a person has difficulty breathing , and is in emergency status, needing to get some serious help, they do not stop , and say, “let me give away the little oxygen that I have left instead of calling 911. This is a heroic deed.”
For those who have, what is often said about this person is, “he or she saved everybody else, but could not do what was necessary to save him or her self.”
There is no trophy given out. There is sadness and a realization that this person was so caught up being Superman or Superwoman, that they did not understand their own needs, and the need to put their needs before others was necessary for their own survival.
Although it may seem counterintuitive, we cannot pour from an empty cup.
After a while, your jars of clay will manifest cracks. And instead of taking heed to the warning, and patching up the cracks with taking care of yourself, you keep using your jar until it completely breaks.
As long as you are OK, healing , walking through the steps of reclaiming your power and identity, your children will be OK, and can walk into the steps of reclaiming their power and identity by using your actions as a template for theirs.
And instead of trying to somehow become their therapist, the best thing to do is to help them find a therapist of their own who can assist them in processing what was, what currently is, and what is to come.
Getting back to your true self, the one who’s identity is in Christ, is hard, but not impossible work. And it begins by displaying love to your children, through the love the Father has for you, and in turn, you are showing to yourself.
Pouring from an empty or half-full jar means that you risk single-parent and grief burnout. Honoring and loving self, with the love of God as your guide leads to honoring and loving your children.
Your brain needs to be retrained. All of this time society has taught you that the best way to take care of your partner and your children is to sacrifice yourself in the process.
Healing from narcissistic abuse is a journey, and that journey involves a process. And that process involves a fight. A fight to reclaim your power and identity to get to your true self. Not the old self.
Remember: the old self misunderstood the concepts of love and freedom. The old self sacrificed everything for the survival of others at your own expense. It didn’t love self enough to honor identity in Christ over every other identity. The old self didn’t understand that royalty status helps you to value yourself as having enoughness and worthiness in the kingdom of God.
You are saying goodbye to the old self and reclaiming your true self as a daughter of the king, Who lives and walks in royalty, understands self love and boundaries, and knows how to pour out God’s love onto others.
Prophetic Word 7 Truths About Being Infected With a One-Upping Spirit
We have all been guilty of one-upping. However, we often fail to realize the spiritual implications of doing such a thing. The seed of envy gives us an infection. When we dissect these implications, it will cause us to grieve the innocence of what we did not know, confess, repent, and move forward looking at other people as image bearers.
Listen in to last week’s message . If you missed the last podcast episode, click here.
What’s seems logical is not always what’s right. It seems logical to find someone or something to fill that empty void and brokenness inside of you. What ends up happening is that this void brought on by abuse and trauma attracts people who exploit these areas.
When you refuse to allow the Holy Spirit to guide you in your decision-making process, you get into all kinds of trouble, leading to staying in toxic relationships longer than you have to.
Listen 🎧 to this healing conversation that I had with Self-Care and Confidence Coach Ana Barajas.
Reach out to Self-Love & Confidence Coach Ana Barajas on Instagram here.
One of the most important things that you can do when healing from Narcissistic Abuse is to give yourself permission to grieve.
When we think of grief, we are tempted to think of it as being linear.
Grief is more of an art form. I say an art form because no two people grieve alike.
We are allowed to take grief and transform it to whatever experience that we desire.
It can be sunsets, rainbows , and beach balls producing perspective and healing , and then other times like waterfalls, waves, and up-and-down rollercoasters .
Whatever experience that grief is taking you through, it is with the intention of producing a new self, a true self, one that enables you to heal from past hurts, and reclaim your power and identity.
The five stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Although these are the five stages, and this is also supposed to be the exact order, The first four stages can actually be mixed in altogether like one massive ball of rubber bands, and then also dealt with individually at the same time.
There is no one set of rules.
Grief can be released in several different forms as well. Dancing, walking, talking, exercising, and crying are all different ways to help grief to travel through and be released from its maze in your body.
The first temptation can be to stuff and suppress your emotions when the grief comes. However, as we talked about before, this only leads to alternative construction healing.
Ignoring things never make them go away.
The only way to get to the smooth pavement is to go under construction and fully heal. Going around the healing can take two to three times as long.
The second temptation is to compare your grief process with someone else’s. Comparison can often lead to self-judgment, self- condemnation, and self-blame.
When you embrace your art of grief, you embrace and surrender to your art of healing .
Remember: you are enough. You do not have to surrender to someone else’s idea of how your healing journey should be.
It’s one thing to be a pastor. It’s a whole ‘nother level when you are faced with a Nehemiah situation of toxicity, gaslighting, and jealousy in the church. A lot of times, we think that the situation happened to us out of the blue. However, as the old saying goes, hindsight is 20/20.
We saw signs leading up to this big blowup coming all along. We just didn’t really didn’t stop to think about it, or see if any course of action could have been taken in order to prevent it.
And sometimes, there really isn’t anything we could have done.
We cannot control other people. It’s just that simple. It’s impossible to love and control a person at the same time. Love is not love without there being complete freedom involved.
Rest assured: there is hope, love, light, and freedom that’s waiting for you on the other side of the cave.
When you think of the Story of Samson and Delilah, you think about hair, strength, and a downfall. The story of Samson and Delilah teaches you more than that. It gives you the steps of the toxic relationship cycle from start to finish starting with the love-bombing, and then ending with the discard.
You seem to be doing everything that you need to do, but you are not healing. And for the life of you, you can’t figure out why. The thing is, you are really doing what it is you want to do, and not what you need. Take a listen.
In case you missed last week’s podcast, click here.