When it comes to healing from narcissistic abuse, it can be so tempting for women to think their number one priority after leaving the toxic relationship is pouring everything that they can into their children so that they will be OK.
In theory, it seems like the perfect thing to do. Give them everything that they have been missing and more.
However, in reality, the best thing that you can do as a mother is to follow the instructions of the stewardess on the airplane .
You must put your oxygen mask on first.
When a person has difficulty breathing , and is in emergency status, needing to get some serious help, they do not stop , and say, “let me give away the little oxygen that I have left instead of calling 911. This is a heroic deed.”
For those who have, what is often said about this person is, “he or she saved everybody else, but could not do what was necessary to save him or her self.”
There is no trophy given out. There is sadness and a realization that this person was so caught up being Superman or Superwoman, that they did not understand their own needs, and the need to put their needs before others was necessary for their own survival.
Although it may seem counterintuitive, we cannot pour from an empty cup.
After a while, your jars of clay will manifest cracks. And instead of taking heed to the warning, and patching up the cracks with taking care of yourself, you keep using your jar until it completely breaks.
As long as you are OK, healing , walking through the steps of reclaiming your power and identity, your children will be OK, and can walk into the steps of reclaiming their power and identity by using your actions as a template for theirs.
And instead of trying to somehow become their therapist, the best thing to do is to help them find a therapist of their own who can assist them in processing what was, what currently is, and what is to come.
Getting back to your true self, the one who’s identity is in Christ, is hard, but not impossible work. And it begins by displaying love to your children, through the love the Father has for you, and in turn, you are showing to yourself.
Pouring from an empty or half-full jar means that you risk single-parent and grief burnout. Honoring and loving self, with the love of God as your guide leads to honoring and loving your children.
Your brain needs to be retrained. All of this time society has taught you that the best way to take care of your partner and your children is to sacrifice yourself in the process.
Healing from narcissistic abuse is a journey, and that journey involves a process. And that process involves a fight. A fight to reclaim your power and identity to get to your true self. Not the old self.
Remember: the old self misunderstood the concepts of love and freedom. The old self sacrificed everything for the survival of others at your own expense. It didn’t love self enough to honor identity in Christ over every other identity. The old self didn’t understand that royalty status helps you to value yourself as having enoughness and worthiness in the kingdom of God.
You are saying goodbye to the old self and reclaiming your true self as a daughter of the king, Who lives and walks in royalty, understands self love and boundaries, and knows how to pour out God’s love onto others.