How do the problems manifest themselves in “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior” Phase Part 4

Unfortunately, “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior” phase is like a kid in a candy store for the toxic person in the toxic relationship cycle. For the toxic person, it is fun because they live and thrive off drama.

If there is no drama, they will create it. Undealt with Brokenness in a toxic person’s life causes chaos and confusion everywhere they go.

Whereas most people try to keep peace in their lives, for the toxic person, it is the opposite.

As soon as you mention their unhealthy patterns of behavior, they will pull out their dysfunctional coping mechanisms.

The first such behavior is gaslighting.

The word looks and sounds strange. And so does the effects of what the word entails.

Imagine having a strong gas smell in your house.

You mention to your partner, ” I smell gas.”

And then their response is “I don’t smell anything.”

The smell gets stronger and stronger.

And you scream out, ” I SMELL GAS!”

And then your spouse says, “Oh, that’s the cookies that are baking in the oven.”

After so many rounds of this, you are feeling nauseated from the fumes, and you start saying to yourself, “Those are the cookies in the oven.”

Then you hear an explosion.

Gaslighting is how it sounds. When you are talking to someone about how their behavior is impacting you, they turn it around on you, making you look and feel crazy, physically and spiritually nauseated and confused.

Your spouse, or whoever it is that is doing the gaslighting says things like:

“You’re over-reacting.”

“You’re so sensitive.”

“You’re so dramatic.”

“You are so insecure and jealous.”

After hearing this so much, you believe it, and they manufacture in you the emotional drama that they were hoping for.

Once the gaslighting starts, it alters who you are as a person. You began to walk around in a state of cognitive dissonance, knowing the truth, but in a spiritual state of denial.

Why?

Acknowledging what is going on means doing something about it. You are not ready for that. Your brokenness of unworthiness is depending on you getting your self-worth from them at all cost.

However, they cannot give what they don’t have. They are individuals filled with insecurities and unworthiness themselves. And their whole life, they have thrived off exploiting other people in the very area that they struggle with as well.

What appears to you as confidence exuding from them, is a very insecure, unworthy individual who has no sense of self. This “confident look” is what they have when they have been filled with “supply” rather than the Holy Spirit.

What happens to you when you are in this state for so long?

You get seriously sick.

You can’t inhale fumes and not be affected. Gaslighting emits fumes and so much more than you expected. In my next post, we will discuss what happens when your partner starts playing games with you.

Until next time,

Katina Horton

How do the problems manifest themselves in “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior” Phase Part 3

All the things that have manifested themselves in “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior” phase have played out. What are those things?

  • Alcoholism
  • Silent Treatment
  • Making Excuses
  • Codependency
  • Entanglement
  • Avoidance
  • Etc.

Unlike in a healthy relationship where “silent treatment” towards each other covers up the fact that you are angry, a toxic relationship involves the toxic individual “stonewalling.”  Stonewalling is just how it sounds.

The toxic person’s heart has become a heart of stone.   And they have built up walls around them, ignoring you when you ask questions, and pretending like you do not exist.

How long does it last?

Simple – However long they want it to. Three days, two weeks, three months, or one year.

The purpose of stonewalling is to make you feel crazy, uncomfortable, alone, and most importantly, to have power and control over you.

In other words, they have the upper hand.

In a healthy relationship, everything comes to a head. At some point in the passive-aggressive cycle that has gone on, someone places an ultimatum on the other person.

They are done living like that.  “Cause ain’t nobody got time for that.”

This ultimatum leads the couple to doing one or more of the following:

  • Attending couple and individual therapy
  • Signing up for small groups
  • Enlisting the help of family and community
  • Purchasing books and other material
  • Changing jobs
  • Moving
  • Having an accountability coach
  • Praying

In a toxic relationship cycle, the issues in “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior” phase are just the beginning.

The problems only set the stage for what comes next.

And what comes next is guilt tripping, obligation, blaming, flipping the script, and playing games.

In the next post, we will begin the task of dissecting each of these problems.

Until next time,

Katina Horton

Focus Verse

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.

Ezekiel 36: 26-27

How do the problems manifest themselves in “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior” Phase Part 2

One of the hardest things to do is to confront conflict. Why? As humans our brains only have two options: receiving pain or pleasure. And given a choice, we will seek pleasure every time. Only doing things that are pleasurable are not realistic. If we can’t face this reality, then we are back on Fantasy Island where all our dreams come true.

Even when it comes to our jobs/businesses, every single part of our daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly tasks do not bring us pleasure. Sometimes this task might be a five minute task, or it could be a one hour task. Whatever the case, there comes a point in time when motivation goes out the door, and discipline has to take over.

Discipline

Discipline says, “It’s not about whether I can pump myself up enough to get the job done, I must get it done. I can chill when it’s over. I have a business to run.”

Why do we discipline ourselves in our jobs/careers?

We want to be obedient to God in the calling that he has entrusted to us.

And keeping it real, we want that paycheck. Bills don’t get paid by themselves.

When we don’t take that same enthusiasm into our romantic relationships, or any other important relationship for that matter, we are setting ourselves up for disaster.

What We Do

Avoiding conflict in hopes of only receiving pleasure is like cutting off the top of all the weeds on our lawn, hoping they will never return. It ain’t happening.

We seem to have this thing down pat in our romantic, friendship, and familial relationships.

When we avoid conflict in our relationships, we say things like, “Oh, you know we need to come together for the sake of keeping peace.” Or, another excuse sounds like, ” You know how he/she is.” Just ignore that and let’s move forward.”

The end result: nothing is resolved. You move forward at the expense of damaging and disrespecting yourself because you don’t want to feel the pain of the other person getting mad at you, and possibly not speaking to you because you told them the truth.

Slamming doors, walking out, and giving the silent treatment, and other passive-aggressive behavior gets played out really fast.

You are in for a rude awakening. But you haven’t figured that out yet.

What is truly happening when you are avoiding conflict is that you are walking around building up bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness against the other person. What you did to have pleasure at all costs has caused you pain at every cost to your mind, body, and soul.

You have been walking around with an unattended open wound.

And you keep going through cycles and cycles of it.

Why?

You refused to dig down deep enough to pull up the weed from its roots.

What is going to happen next in the healthy relationship cycle? What will be difference in the toxic relationship cycle? Tune in for the next post when we talk about the end result of this behavior in both situations.

Until next time,

Katina

How do the problems manifest themselves in “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior” Phase

When you are in the “Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior” Phase, there are so many different things going on. First of all, the honeymoon is over. Secondly, it doesn’t matter whether you are in a healthy or toxic relationship cycle, you are going to have problems.

The main difference is in how you choose to deal with these problems.

One thing that is common in both cycles is that once both individuals go from symbiosis to differentiation, and the individual problems manifest themselves, initially neither person knows what to say or do in order to confront the problems.

This is evident because one person usually walks around being angry/hostile all the time, and then the other person walks around doing passive-aggressive things all the time, instead of bringing the problem(s) up.

Shopify Photo

Some examples of passive/aggressive behavior would be eye-rolling, letting the other person’s food burn up, noticing that the other person somehow missed their alarm going off, and not saying anything, and doing anything else that gets on the other person’s last nerve.

None of these things will solve the problem.

For some reason, as humans, we think that ignoring our problems are like bad dreams that will eventually go away.

When we go to this place for dealing with problems, we are definitely on our own Fantasy Island. “Cause guess what?” It ain’t happenin’. Those problems are still there.

As a matter of fact, the lump underneath the rug is getting bigger and bigger.

So the question remains, what in the world are you going to do about it?

In the next post, we will talk about what usually happens for both the healthy and toxic relationship cycle.

Until next time,

Katina

So, what’s the difference anyway?-The Relationship Cycle

One of the main things that needs to happen in the relationship cycle in general is to form a healthy separation. When I say separation, I am not meaning separation in the terms of a last ditch effort before contemplating divorce.

Separation in this case is in regard to eliminating symbiosis. I like to think of symbiosis as the “Coming to America effect” where the prince asks his prospective bride what she wanted, and her response to everything was, “Whatever you like”. It means that you are so caught up in pleasing the other person, appearing agreeable and likeable, that you forego vocalizing anything that would rock the boat, or make you appear to have an opinion of your own.

However, one thing about any healthy relationship is that symbiosis needs to turn into differentiation, where both individuals in the relationship are no longer functioning as one person, but two. It can be scary to think about, but very necessary in order for there to be any growth taking place from either party.

And think about it, even in “Coming to America”, symbiosis played out real fast. The prince liked not having conflict at first, but then the prospective bride’s unwillingness to differentiate got on his last nerves after a while.

In my next post, I will discuss what happens when we enter stage three of The Relationship Cycle.

You are enough. Reclaim your power and identity. Grab your keys to the kingdom and get your inheritance.

Until next time,

Katina

Episode 128: An Interview with Author and TV Personality Kyona Robinson Part 3

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 128: An Interview with Author and TV Personality Kyona Robinson Part 3
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Why is it important to have a vision? How does the struggle as black women compare to the struggle of other women in general? Should you continue to hang out in “Egypt” (old places, ways, & mindsets)? What toxic relationships have you placed a comma in, that the Lord wants to place a period?  Why do we feel the need to copy what other black women, and women in general, are doing?  Why is getting “back to you” important?

If you need a place that is relatable, where you can pull off your masks, be real, dig deep, embrace your hair and skin color, release your emotions, and reveal your true identity and worth as a black woman, then watch Part 3 of this candid interview between Kyona Robinson and me in a new series of The Valley of Grace Podcast entitled, “The Black Woman Experience:  Talking Through Our Stories” to find out the answers to these questions and more.  Be blessed! #kyonarobinson #authors #blackwomen #blackmarriage #blackrelationships #reclaimyourpowerandidentity #youareenough #blacksuperwoman #blackskin #blackhair #blackauthors #theblackwomanstruggle

Podcast Topics

  • Having Vision
  • Coming Out of Your Circumstances
  • Mirroring Other Women
  • Helping the Black Community
#kyonarobinson #authors #blackwomen #blackmarriage #blackrelationships #reclaimyourpowerandidentity #youareenough #blacksuperwoman #blackskin

Kyona Robinson book information:

Her blog :Kyonalrobinson.com

Facebook: Author Kyona L Robinson Facebook

Her instagram : kyonalrobinson

YouTube: Kyona Robinson

Until next Time,

Katina

Episode 127: Author, Blogger, and TV Personality Kyona Robinson Part 2

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 127: Author, Blogger, and TV Personality Kyona Robinson Part 2
/

Is it better to be light-skinned or dark-skinned? Have “good hair” or “bad hair”? What is going on with black people bleaching their skin?  Why is it necessary to find “your tribe”?  How does it feel to exist as a black woman?  What does it look like to talk in a professional environment?  Is self-care important? Is there an epidemic of black women marrying incarcerated black men?  What is making black women protect black men inside of their toxic relationships? 

Is it possible to change your circumstances and reclaim your power and identity? If you need a place that is relatable, where you can pull off your masks, be real, dig deep, embrace your hair and skin color, release your emotions, and reveal your true identity and worth as a black woman, then listen to Part 2 of this candid interview between Kyona Robinson and me in a new series of The Valley of Grace Podcast entitled, “The Black Woman Experience:  Talking Through Our Stories” to find out the answers to these questions and more.  Be blessed! #kyonarobinson #authors #blackwomen #blackmarriage #blackrelationships #reclaimyourpowerandidentity #youareenough #blacksuperwoman #blackskin #blackhair

Podcast Topics

  • Black Women Marrying Incarcerated Men
  • Black Relationships
  • Light Skin vs. Dark Skin
  • Good Hair vs. Bad Hair
  • Protections of Black Men
  • Is Self-Care Important?

How To Reach Kyona Robinson:

#kyonarobinson #authors #blackwomen #blackmarriage #blackrelationships #reclaimyourpowerandidentity #youareenough #blacksuperwoman #blackskin
Author & TV Personality Kyona Robinson

Kyona Robinson book information:

Her instagram : kyonalrobinson

Her blog :Kyonalrobinson.com

Facebook: Author Kyona L Robinson Facebook

YouTube: Kyona Robinson

Until next Time,

Katina

Episode 126: Interview with Kyona Robinson Pt. 1

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 126: Interview with Kyona Robinson Pt. 1
/

Is the black superwoman true?  What happened to the black family and marriage?  How does integration of emotions affect you as a writer?  Why do black women settle for a man?  How does the world perceive the black woman?  How does the media reenforce this perception? 

What defines a normal black woman?  If you are ready to pull off the masks, be real, dig deep, embrace your hair and skin color, release your emotions, and reveal your true identity and worth as a black woman, then watch this candid interview between Kyona Robinson and me in a new series of The Valley of Grace Podcast entitled, “The Black Woman Experience:  Talking Through Our Stories” to find out the answers to these questions and more.  Be blessed!

Podcast Outline

  • Discussion of Kyona Robinson’s Book
  • Discussion of my book
  • Integration of Emotions
  • Republishing Books
  • Black Women & Marriage
  • Settling for a Man
  • What is the normal black woman?
  • How the world perceives us
  • How the media reinforces the world’s perception
  • Black Superwoman
  • Black Hair
  • The Black Community and Healing
#kyonarobinson #authors #blackwomen #blackmarriage #blackrelationships #reclaimyourpowerandidentity #youareenough #blacksuperwoman #blackskin
Author & TV Personality Kyona Robinson

Kyona Robinson’s Instagram

www.instagram.com/kyonalrobinson

Her facebook:

Her website:

Kyonalrobinson.com

Until next time,

Katina Horton

Episode 122: Interview with Courtney Nalin Part 2

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 122: Interview with Courtney Nalin Part 2
/

I hope you enjoyed listening to Part 1 of the conversation between EMS, Coach, & Podcast Host of Imperfectly Pollyanna, Courtney Nalin and I. Today, I have released Part 2. Sometimes you may wonder what role faith in yourself plays in knowing you are enough. Believe it or not, it plays a huge part. It is the determining factor of whether you will continue to go into the crazy cycles of not being good enough, or yield your life and will to God and realize that you have already been prequalified.

Listen to part 2 of the conversation between Courtney and I as she dissects this very topic, and so much more. She goes deep, and that’s what we need to do when it comes to reclaiming our power and identity. Staying on the surface doesn’t yield the end result. Be blessed on this Sunday evening!

Podcast Topics:

  • Is God looking for perfection?
  • Fath in Ourselves
  • Hot Mess Express
  • Gratitude Journal
  • Reclaim your Power & Identity
  • Using Struggles as Stepping Stones
  • Validation from the World
  • Staying on the Mountain
  • EVEN If
  • Let God be God
  • Fix-it Mode
  • God-ordained friendships

Until next time,

Katina

Episode 121: Interview with EMS, Coach, & Podcast Host of Imperfectly Pollyanna Courtney Nalin Part 1

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 121: Interview with EMS, Coach, & Podcast Host of Imperfectly Pollyanna Courtney Nalin Part 1
/


After going through some of the hardest times in our lives, it’s easy to think that there is no way that we can recover, let alone reclaiming our power and identity. I’m a living witness that it is possible. One day at a time. One hour at a time. And sometimes one minute at a time.

A couple of weeks ago, I sat down in a one-on-one conversation with Courtney Nalin, EMS, Coach, & Podcast Host of Imperfectly Pollyanna. In this interview, she helps us to see that not only can you heal and recover, you can reclaim your power and identity one step at a time because you are enough. Listen in and be blessed!

Podcast Topics:

  • Loss
  • Infertility
  • Toxic Relationships
  • Friendships

Until next time!