Since when did God tell you that being in a toxic relationship was carrying your cross or performing ministry? Satan uses all kind of lies to warp our vision of love and keep us trapped in a vicious cycle of never-ending pain. We think we will get clarity on getting out of a toxic relationship without acknowledging the truth.
But even after acknowledging the truth, you have to act. You cannot just sit and wait on God. Acting on the truth and tackling your mindset will help you in making healthy relationship choices, walking in your identity and purpose, and stepping into your calling. You have been anointed to reach the nations. Listen in to Coach Eston Swaby and I as we tackle these issues and more.
If I know the ending, then it will make going through the process of recovering from trials, unhealthy relationships, disappointments in life easier. This is the misconception that we often have. The bottom line is that it all comes down to trust. Listen to this episode between Bestselling Author & Speaker Cherlyn Decker and I to find out why this is the case, along with how self-awareness and discernment play a role in reclaiming the power and identity that you lost from being in an unhealthy relationship.
No matter what situation it is, the hardest part about taking on any task when it comes to self-growth and self development is dealing with you. It feels better to hold up the mirror to everybody else? It makes us feel like we are better somehow.
But guess what? Paying attention to what everybody else is doing is a blinder for minding your own business and digging deeper into our own pile of junk.
When you are playing the role of a codependent, you don’t have time to check in with yourself to see what’s really going on. Your focus is on saving the other person. As mentioned in the last post, codependents stay in the state they are in number one, because of fear, and then number two: insecurities.
“The common areas of insecurities and or brokenness are low self-esteem, low self-worth, poor body image, and not enoughness. Codependents cover up these areas by becoming the Savior of the day in their spouse’s, coworker’s, friend’s, or ministry partner’s life. So, even when you have the come to Jesus moment and stop doing things for the other person, if you don’t take the time to do the self-work, you will be right back to wearing your cape as Savior of the day, and playing Jesus.
Frustration is the catalyst for change. However, that is only if the desire and hard work required to be a better version of you outweighs the pain of staying in the comfort zone of where you are now. “
Creating an empowered new chapter of life involves healing from past hurts. And in turn, healing from past hurts helps us to gain resilience and perspective. In our next post, I will discuss the dangers of enmeshment.
Ok. You have finally had a come to Jesus moment and realized that you are a codependent. So, what now? And this is definitely a valid question.
Just like dealing with a computer problem, you have to analyze the why in relationships? Like all other sins, codependency is rooted in fear. Fear of the unknown. What will happen if you don’t pay the bills? What will happen if you don’t budget the money?
Does that mean you will end up homeless? What will happen if you and possibly you and the kids have to suffer as well? Will you end up broke? Having to downsize?
As women, we have been trained to take up the slack. Just like tying our kids’ shoes is easier for us than listening to whine and scream, “I can’t do it!” , doing things for other people without the hassle seems easier and safer. Plus, who wants to hear that whining?
As long as we keep tying the shoes, the child doesn’t grow, learn, and understand the concept of struggle as a natural process.
The same becomes true for your partner. As long as you keep tying his shoes, the irresponsibility continues and increases, and there is no struggle or growth. Growth cannot happen without discomfort.
One thing that became hard for me to understand is when my therapist explained that the only reason we continue in unhealthy cycles is because we are getting something out of it.
This is the second part of the why. The first part dealt with fear. The second part is your own brokenness. Codependency works because there is a need in you that is being fulfilled. That need is tied into your own insecurities and unhealed areas. Creating an empowered new chapter of life involves healing from past hurts. And in turn, healing from past hurts helps us to gain resilience and perspective. We will talk more about these insecurities in my next post.
Last time we talked about the first step in the relationship cycle: our cravings. We dissected the normality of it, and how we were created to crave relationship, but the danger is when our relationship cravings turn to lust.
Today, we will discuss the second step: entering a new relationship. When we enter a new relationship, it is like opening a door not knowing what’s on the other side. The first example would be like watching some of the old game shows on TV. The contestant is told to pick a door. That door holds their prize.
The thing about that prize is that it could be good or bad. Desirable or undesirable. We don’t know. It’s all about perspective. What we do know is that they are taking a chance opening that door.
The second example would be likened to going home after work, not knowing whether the kids or people living with you have completely trashed the house, or if all kind of drama will be going on once you open that door.
Will you want to embrace what’s inside, or take off running? Entering new relationships are the same way. Only time will tell what you have gotten yourself into.
What is on the other side of that door?
You don’t know until you open it and explore. It is the chance that you take with relationships of any kind. But relationships are just as essential to life as breathing. We would like to think that we can do life alone. But it’s just not the truth. Even if it takes a while to find the right tribe, we need one.
Blockage can be caused by a lot of things: injustice, homelessness, oppression, your move on a board game, something bad that you ate. The list could literally go on and on. But the question is… What if God is doing the blocking, and his way of blocking you is homelessness? This is no laughing matter.
When our fight or flight response kicks in, the natural thing to do is to fight when someone or something blocks us. But what if fighting being blocked does more harm than good when God is doing the blocking. What if what appears to be mean, unfair, and unjust is just what we need? What if God’s blockage is God’s protection.
Take a listen to this week’s episode to find out what happened when I was blocked by homelessness.
Until next time,
Transcript for the Hearing Impaired
Speaker 0 00:00:23 <inaudible> the valley
Speaker 1 00:01:04 This is the Valley Of grace podcast, helping women create and empowered new chapter of his life and how we’re doing that. We are breaking unhealthy relationship patterns. We’re building resilience and flourishing, and we are reclaiming our power and identity today’s episode is entitled, blocked by homelessness. Now, when you think of those two things together, when you think of them separately, think of homelessness, not having a home, no dwelling, and then thinking of blocked, the word blocked, being prevented from being able to do something.
So we’re being blocked by homelessness, prevented from being able to do something and homeless is how it was being used. That’s really deep when you think about it. So we’re going to go back to the year 2014. Uh, I was in a process of going through a divorce. The procedure was pretty much done and over with. And I had been looking for a place for 60 days.
Speaker 1 00:02:34 I mean, literally 60 days of looking, I had not found anything. I had money to pay the rent per month, but I did not have money, any extra money for the security deposit nor for the first month’s rent. So I kept thinking to myself, Lord, how am I going to be able to make it every month? What am I going to do?
And, my therapist gave me a list of places to go to. I went to those places and, um, well I went to one place, the very first place and that didn’t work out. Um, the place was very judgmental and critical. And so, I still have thoughts in my mind of trying to figure out what in the world I was going to do. And I remember leaving that place, being on the bus, the pace bus headed home, and my ex-mother-in-law called and said, I don’t want you and my grandbabies to be in a shelter.
Speaker 1 00:03:48 I don’t want you to stay in a hotel or to be out on the streets. So I’m going to let you borrow the money that you need. And I remember her telling me that gave me a feeling, this sense of calm and peace about it, but then being on the pace bus on the way home after that, and the holy spirit saying, well, if I want you to be homeless, that’s exactly what’s going to end up happening.
And so sometimes we think that just because someone else gives us what it is that we need to prevent us from being blocked means that we are no longer going to be blocked. However, when we are blocked, that is God’s hands at work, whatever door he opens, whatever door he closes is not in our control and it’s not in anyone else’s control. And the more we fight against it, the more we become unraveled with the situation, the more we’re like, I’m going to do it on my own, God since, you’re not going to let me do it.
Speaker 1 00:04:57 You’re not going to open the door. You’re not going to help me find a way another job, another home I’m going to do it on my own. And we end up being burnt out. We end up bitter disillusioned resentful, whether it’s, um, I guess God or whoever, but it’s not a good end result.
And so I had got to a point where I was just exhausted from looking and looking and looking and not finding anything. I had this glimmer of hope when she said that. But then after I heard the holy spirit is saying, if I want you to be homeless, this that’s what’s going to happen. But then a whole another set of thoughts start coming in my mind like, wow, I could actually end up being homeless on the day that I have to move out. I could actually end up being homeless, me and the kids.
Speaker 1 00:05:51 And what am I going to do? I decided I would go ahead and create this new empowered chapter of life of myself, move forward in the steps to reclaiming my power and identity, to break all of those unhealthy relationship patterns. I started that and my decision to go to therapy. That was the beginning of it. That was the one step I made to move forward.
And then it’s like, okay. So after all of this, this is what you give me, Lord is what I was thinking at the time. Just feeling very discouraged, discouraged because of that discouraged because of the dishonesty, um, with my ex-husband and court and just not knowing what I was going to do, we only have so much emotional and mental bandwidth and it’s just like, what in the world am I going to do? How am I going to make it?
Speaker 1 00:06:47 We were used to living a certain type of lifestyle, if that was what was going to happen, it was not going to be up to me. I was doing the very best I could and whatever God had planned was what he had planned.
And one thing about it was that, um, we ended up not finding a place before having to move from the marital residence. Okay. The short sale went through really quick and we had to be out of there. But a friend of mine already mentioned to me, if you guys don’t have anywhere to go, as you are pulling out from your place, just text me and let me know you’re on your way that you and the kids are on the way. And that really, really, really gave me hope and more of a sense of purpose.
Speaker 1 00:07:51 When you are facing loneliness, homelessness, and other factors involved, you’re just like, what am I going to do? So you start to have like an existential crisis and you just wandering, okay, “Am I still going to be, to carry on my purpose? That’s a lot of unknowns that come about and a lot of things as a result of poverty and homelessness.
And so her telling me that gave me hope. And, um, I didn’t know, but God knew that if I had moved the kids and I right away, we would have suffered even more trauma. I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted from packing at the last minute and getting things already.
So, sense we had to leave out of there on that Friday, I would not have had the capacity to move again and unpack all of that stuff. And then try to just start out living everyday life. Again, we needed a layover, but I did not know that at the time. So a lot of times God will block us from being able to do things that we want, but there is a purpose behind it. There’s always a purpose, you know, and I remember my therapist telling me even years ago, when I first started going, you’re going to be pulling back layers for years.
Speaker 1 00:09:29 God blocked me so I could have a place of rest, physical rest and spiritual west, minus any emotional risks. He did this for five weeks.. But after, um, three weeks of being blocked, we found something, but wasn’t going to be able to move for another two weeks.
We needed that break. And so, a lot of times when we were right in the middle, we were right in the thick of things. We don’t see that. We want the instant gratification, you know, and we see God, we think he’s punishing us, but he’s not. It’s all within his will for a specific purpose in mind. And so, when my friend and her husband took us in, um, we felt the peace, the warmth, the fellowship of God there, and we were able to have our own rooms.
Speaker 1 00:10:35 My daughter and I shared a room, and my son was able to have his own space down in the basement, a full-size basement, like an apartment down there. So, it was the blessing that God gave us. Yes, you’re going to be homeless, but you’re going to be comfortable. While you’re in this state of homelessness. God’s grace is there.
He was even when I felt that he wasn’t and sometimes people will come up to us when we’re in whatever state we’re in, we’re already broken already, already trying to get some grounding, and then say, “There must be something you’re doing wrong. Otherwise, this wouldn’t happen.
You should just do this, this and this. You didn’t apply to the right places. Um, you know, apply it in the right areas. It’s always something that they’ve got to find, especially when you are a woman of God and they know how you are, you know, there’s gotta be, it’s gotta be something you’re doing because they can’t come up with any reasoning, which is natural when you think about it. Why would God allow his people to suffer more when they have already suffered?
Speaker 1 00:11:48 It was like with Job, when he was sick, his friends, all of a sudden, they had to say, “He’s got to be something wrong. Otherwise, why would this happen to you?” There’s not always something we do that causes it to happen.
Some things is just that God knows best. And even if his best is homelessness, that is his best for us for any particular reason. And like I said, we needed the rest and didn’t know it. None of us are exempt from being blocked by homelessness or any other thing that God decides. Okay. And so we can be honest, and open up and say, God, I’m angry. I don’t like what it is you’re doing.
Speaker 1 00:12:43 I’m really upset God, please help me. As I walk through this journey that you would have me walk that is very unpleasant, please help me to continue to do your will because you know, best. This is what I would want in my calling and my job, whatever my profession is, or this is what kind of car I want , what kind of house, what kind of neighborhood, but you’re blocking me from having it for whatever reason, I accept it.
And the more we resist, the harder it will be for us to learn whatever it is God wants us to learn. To be able to develop our character in order for us to grow, thrive, and have that empowered new chapter of life, to be able to reclaim our power and identity. And just because we made those decisions, we made that choice to do that does not mean it’s going to be easy.
Speaker 1 00:13:38 It does not mean that God would not block us for certain periods of time for us to grow and to learn and to protect us for whatever reason. So, I hope that it’s something that was said that would resonate with you.
I don’t know if you’ve ever been blocked by homelessness yourself. Um, if you are enjoying the valley of grace podcast, where we’re helping women create an empowered new chapter of life, do me a favor and leave us a review. If you could tag your friends on social media and let them know to listen to us on iTunes, apple podcasts, Google podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, Amazon music, and podcasts.
And if you are feeling like you just cannot go on, and you are tempted to go back, turn around, you need some type of music, some type of encouragement to keep you going, so you won’t revert back to the way it used to be, as the song says, “ Download the valley of grace song. It is on iTunes. And it’s also on Amazon music.
As you have those words resonate in your head, I won’t go back to the way it was again. You do not have to repeat cycles of unhealthy relationships. You do not have to repeat that. And that song is there to remind you. I won’t go back to the way that it was again. I want to thank Timothy Horton for bringing the intro and outro music. Until next time. <inaudible>
There’s nothing worse than being out all day, and being hungry. What’s even worse is when you are craving your favorite food that is waiting for you in the refrigerator when you get home, but when you get home, someone in the house has eaten it. You literally feel like crying.
What is going to satisfy the craving that you had for that fried chicken, steak sandwich, quinoa salad, Chinese food, or garbage pizza? The craving is so bad that it leaves you devastated.
You just got out of a toxic relationship. Your soul is craving that person because of the soul-tie that was created. What are you going to do?
You have three options: lean into God, go back to the cycle of unhealthy relationship patterns, or go into another toxic relationship instead of giving yourself time to heal.
Which one will you choose?
Listen in to today’s episode to find out what will satisfy our cravings.
There is nothing worse than driving down a street, only to get a fourth of the way down, and realize that you can’t go any further because the street has been blocked. What do you do? You have to figure out a new route to get to your destination. What if it takes you over an hour to get there? You are for sure piping mad, and you have a right to be.
Playing a game of Checkers
Next scene, you are playing checkers, and you have been doing great so far. But then, all of a sudden, your opponent blocks any possible move that you can make. You are hemmed in, frustrated, and guess what? There isn’t a thing that you can do about it. It just doesn’t seem fair.
Movie Director 2.0
Now, let’s switch scenes again. Remember the movie that you created for an assignment in Cut? Well, the teacher just notified the class that a film director from Hollywood will be lining up students to take advantage of having their movie as one in a lineup of movies that will be played at a local film festival in Hollywood. The only requirement is to make a sequel of that movie with the main character living their Empowered New Chapter of Life.
You figure you got this. It is a piece of cake. You reenlist all of your friends and family, asking your parents to donate the food and drinks again, and you create your storyline with the same framework as your other classmates.
It is getting closer to the deadline, and after going through all of the footage, editing and re-editing, you are done. Your friends are getting spots in the film festival, but every single time you submit your sequel, you keep getting rejected. It is not just from one producer, but ten! What do you do? You ask your classmates for help.
Come to Jesus Moment
Upon asking them for help, each one tells you to setup your storyline just like they did theirs. “That is what the problem is” according to them. After ten redo’s of this movie, a frustrated worn-out crew and staff, you still haven’t been selected. You are in a state of pure exhaustion. Your mentor notices it, and walks up to you, saying the words that will forever change your life: “Be who God created you to be. Be your new story in the way that only you know how.”
You feel something shift inside, giving it everything you’ve got, you redo your whole entire sequel one last time. And guess what? You are chosen for the film festival. And not only that, you are selected as the feature film in the festival.
There will be times that God will block things from happening in your life. You won’t understand it because you thought that once you decided to live an empowered new chapter of life, the rest was history. God might be okay with opening doors for 200 people to move forward in the same way. However, for you, he may want something different. And he can and may block you because of it.
The more we fight it, the harder it becomes. The more we surrender and embrace God’s will for our lives, being who he created us to be, the more we will be in tuned to the Holy Spirit. That will help us when God decides for whatever reason, to say, “I blocked you!”
This is where the resilience and perspective that we have obtained from healing comes in.
“Be who God created you to be. Be your new story in the way that only you know how.”
When my kids were living with me, they would hang out together, laughing and joking about some teenage drama that had taken place. Whenever something happened that took one of their teenage friends by surprise, they would holler out, “S(he) wasn’t ready!” I couldn’t imitate it if I wanted to. However, it was hilarious.
Now, let’s switch over to watching a movie with a friend. You have been watching a good movie with a girlfriend. You both have pretty much figured out the ending based on all the drama that has gone on throughout the entire movie. This movie is pretty much like real life. After hanging out with people for a while, we become aware of their unhealthy patterns of behavior, and they become aware of ours. You get to the end of the movie, and both of you are completely thrown for a loop. It wasn’t supposed to end this way. In other words, “She wasn’t ready!”
You feel cheated. Tricked. Bamboozled. Caught off guard.
Now you have to adjust your emotions, processing what you thought should have happened based upon previous patterns of behavior, but didn’t.
Now, let’s switch scenes again. Jesus died on the cross. The normal process after death is burial or cremation, and then the person’s soul either goes to heaven or hell. The body goes back to dirt eventually. Except with Jesus. His ending on earth defied all logic. And in his case, “They wasn’t ready.” I know it’s bad English, but saying weren’t doesn’t give the full effect. You get the point.
Last scene, you have been in and out of one unhealthy relationship to the next. But, you haven’t been able to decide how your story will end. Will people feel cheated because you defied the odds, and created an empowered new chapter of life, or will they say, “I knew it was going to end this way!” ?
As the director of your movie, only you can decide.
Our last podcast episode covered a lot. On today’s episode, LaTrae Wilson and I wrap up everything. As always, her no-nonsense, authentic style of communications shines through. One of the main things that we talk about is taking teeny, tiny, toe steps is progress. Creating an empowered new chapter of life requires perspective. Healing from past hurts brings resilience and perspective. Even when it seems small, any step is a move in the right direction when you are directing your new chapter of life. Be blessed and listen in for LaTrae’s final words of inspiration and encouragement.
A Living Room Interview with LaTrae Wilson: Creating An Empowered New Chapter of Life After Breaking Unhealthy Relationship Patterns-How to Reach LaTrae Wilson