Healing From Narcissistic Abuse-The Art of Self-Care

Introduction

One of the hardest things to do after being in a narcissistic or any other kind of toxic relationship is to practice self-care. Self-care is an art. Not a science.

At first, the temptation can be to write out a list of different things that must be done for self-care to take place. There is no right or wrong way. However, a must-follow list will only have you focusing on rigidity. Self-care shouldn’t be painstaking.

Dissection

The common things that we think of when it comes to self-care is polishing our nails, going to the spa, shampooing our hair, etc. All these things are part of self-care. However, when you think of self-care in terms of caring for your mind, body, and soul (mind, will, and emotions), the things that you do to enforce self-care will become more of a holistic and natural approach rather than one that is forced.

One thing that helps to reinforce a natural approach is to journal, asking your mind, body, and soul, “What do you need today?”


Narcissistic relationships drain all your resources and energy on every level. This was your norm and has to be unlearned. And as with any other habit, releasing one habit means replacing it with another.

The Challenge


Developing principles of self-care for yourself, and then other care for your children, extended family, and other important relationships in your life will be the driving force for helping you to move forward.

Once you know what these principles will look like, then you can establish boundaries around these principles for yourself and others. For years you have conditioned yourself to placing yourself at the bottom of the list. After your partner. After your children. And after everyone else. And in some instances, not at all.

Self-Care as Self-Love

Self-care is part of self-love. And self-love is part of the practice of developing an intimate relationship with yourself by becoming self-aware of who you are as a person, where you are as a person, and where it is you are going, along with where you want to be.

You are already enough. You do not have to wear yourself down and ignore your self in order to please others and gain approval from others. Grab your keys to the kingdom and get your inheritance.

Codependency Is Real-Part 2

Ok. You have finally had a come to Jesus moment and realized that you are a codependent. So, what now? And this is definitely a valid question.

Just like dealing with a computer problem, you have to analyze the why in relationships? Like all other sins, codependency is rooted in fear. Fear of the unknown. What will happen if you don’t pay the bills? What will happen if you don’t budget the money?

Does that mean you will end up homeless? What will happen if you and possibly you and the kids have to suffer as well? Will you end up broke? Having to downsize?

The Struggle

As women, we have been trained to take up the slack. Just like tying our kids’ shoes is easier for us than listening to whine and scream, “I can’t do it!” , doing things for other people without the hassle seems easier and safer. Plus, who wants to hear that whining?

As long as we keep tying the shoes, the child doesn’t grow, learn, and understand the concept of struggle as a natural process.

The same becomes true for your partner. As long as you keep tying his shoes, the irresponsibility continues and increases, and there is no struggle or growth. Growth cannot happen without discomfort.

One thing that became hard for me to understand is when my therapist explained that the only reason we continue in unhealthy cycles is because we are getting something out of it.

This is the second part of the why. The first part dealt with fear. The second part is your own brokenness. Codependency works because there is a need in you that is being fulfilled. That need is tied into your own insecurities and unhealed areas. Creating an empowered new chapter of life involves healing from past hurts. And in turn, healing from past hurts helps us to gain resilience and perspective. We will talk more about these insecurities in my next post.

Until next time,

Katina

Episode 114: Juneteenth Celebration

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 114: Juneteenth Celebration
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For the first time in our nation’s history, Juneteenth has been adopted as a national holiday. We still have a long way to go. However, as we already know, creating an empowered new chapter of life means taking any kind of step forward, no matter how small they may be.

In order for us to move forward in our relationships, and in our country in general, certain things have to be there to set the stage. Can you imagine a film director having the video personnel to start recording a movie without the props in place? It would be a hot mess. In order to move forward in our relationships, we have to build them upon a foundation of truth. Today’s recording is meant to inspire, motivate, and challenge you to figure out where you will stand when the film director says, “Action!”

Happy Juneteenth!

Until next time,

Katina

The Relationship Cycle-Entering the Door

Last time we talked about the first step in the relationship cycle: our cravings. We dissected the normality of it, and how we were created to crave relationship, but the danger is when our relationship cravings turn to lust.

Today, we will discuss the second step: entering a new relationship. When we enter a new relationship, it is like opening a door not knowing what’s on the other side. The first example would be like watching some of the old game shows on TV. The contestant is told to pick a door. That door holds their prize.

The thing about that prize is that it could be good or bad. Desirable or undesirable. We don’t know. It’s all about perspective. What we do know is that they are taking a chance opening that door.

The second example would be likened to going home after work, not knowing whether the kids or people living with you have completely trashed the house, or if all kind of drama will be going on once you open that door.

Will you want to embrace what’s inside, or take off running? Entering new relationships are the same way. Only time will tell what you have gotten yourself into.

What is on the other side of that door?

You don’t know until you open it and explore. It is the chance that you take with relationships of any kind. But relationships are just as essential to life as breathing. We would like to think that we can do life alone. But it’s just not the truth. Even if it takes a while to find the right tribe, we need one.

Be blessed.

Until next time,

Katina

She Wasn’t Ready!

When my kids were living with me, they would hang out together, laughing and joking about some teenage drama that had taken place. Whenever something happened that took one of their teenage friends by surprise, they would holler out, “S(he) wasn’t ready!” I couldn’t imitate it if I wanted to. However, it was hilarious.

Now, let’s switch over to watching a movie with a friend. You have been watching a good movie with a girlfriend. You both have pretty much figured out the ending based on all the drama that has gone on throughout the entire movie. This movie is pretty much like real life. After hanging out with people for a while, we become aware of their unhealthy patterns of behavior, and they become aware of ours. You get to the end of the movie, and both of you are completely thrown for a loop. It wasn’t supposed to end this way. In other words, “She wasn’t ready!”

Now what?

You feel cheated. Tricked. Bamboozled. Caught off guard.

Now you have to adjust your emotions, processing what you thought should have happened based upon previous patterns of behavior, but didn’t.

Now, let’s switch scenes again. Jesus died on the cross. The normal process after death is burial or cremation, and then the person’s soul either goes to heaven or hell. The body goes back to dirt eventually. Except with Jesus. His ending on earth defied all logic. And in his case, “They wasn’t ready.” I know it’s bad English, but saying weren’t doesn’t give the full effect. You get the point.

Last scene, you have been in and out of one unhealthy relationship to the next. But, you haven’t been able to decide how your story will end. Will people feel cheated because you defied the odds, and created an empowered new chapter of life, or will they say, “I knew it was going to end this way!” ?

As the director of your movie, only you can decide.

Be blessed.

Until next time,

Katina

Episode 106: A Living Room Interview with LaTrae Wilson: Creating An Empowered New Chapter of Life After Breaking Unhealthy Relationship Patterns-Part 2

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 106: A Living Room Interview with LaTrae Wilson: Creating An Empowered New Chapter of Life After Breaking Unhealthy Relationship Patterns-Part 2
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In the last podcast episode, LaTrae Wilson and I talked about generation cycles, hiding sin, keeping family secrets, low self-esteem, low self-worth, the pain of healing, and the unspoken reasons why women go back to toxic relationships. This time, we go even deeper. Our topics are processing trauma, accountability, aggression, fear of speaking up, I’m not okay, Pressure to leave the faith, and so much more! Women, you don’t want to miss this! Be blessed.

A Living Room Interview with LaTrae Wilson: Creating An Empowered New Chapter of Life After Breaking Unhealthy Relationship Patterns-Part 2 Topics

  • I’m Not Okay
  • Accountability
  • Processing Trauma
  • When Trauma Causes You to Shut Down
  • Fear of Speaking Up
  • Thoughts of Leaving the Faith
  • Kickboxing for Therapy
  • The Therapist Gave Me My Power

Latrae Wilson’s Website

Instagram: destinedtwobeblessed

Facebook: Destined To Be Blessed @Mylast20BCEB

Book

My Last 20 Breaking the Curse to Embrace the Blessing you can find them on Amazon,Google Book, Barnes and Noble or Lulu.com 

Purchase Her New Book: My Last 20

Episode 104: An Interview with Chris Archuleta: Creating An Empowered New Chapter of Life After Burnout

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 104: An Interview with Chris Archuleta: Creating An Empowered New Chapter of Life After Burnout
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Burnout is becoming more and more common in our everyday life. Hearing the word itself makes you think that perhaps it’s just an overused, over-personified thing. But it isn’t. People suffer from burnout, with its effects lasting for years. The sooner that we put boundaries into place to avoid it, the more that our minds, bodies, and souls will thank us.

In my conversation with Chris, he expressed the fact that people resist change after burnout, or any other type of brokenness because they get comfortable in what they are in, feeling that it is easier to stay the same, than to do the work.

But, we all know that healing from past hurts brings resilience and perspective. Perspective is what is needed in order to embrace the act of creating an empowered new chapter of life. I pray that this episode will empower you in creating your new chapter. Click here to check out Chris Archuleta’s site and podcast. Be blessed.

Until next time,

Katina

Podcast Topics

  • Burnout
  • Flourishing
  • Relationships
  • Resilience
  • Mindset
  • Our Will vs. God’s Will
  • The Definition of Success

Alternative Endings

You as the film producer and director of your movie, My Life Story have a job on your hands. You have finally finished filming the entire movie. The problem is, during film production, you couldn’t decide which of the five possible moving endings you wanted to use.

What are your options?

1: The wife could break through her struggles, find new love again, get engaged, kiss, and it could be a standard industry wrap-up all within the last fifteen minutes of the movie.

2: The wife could break through her struggles, and open the book store of her dreams in Pleasantville, Virginia.

3: The wife could decide to go back to school, meeting a handsome new guy on campus the first day that she goes to enroll.

4: The wife could continue struggling even till the end, but the struggle is a good struggle, a gold-refining struggle that the scripture talks about. You know, the one that produces character.

OR

5: The wife craves relationship, then enters a new relationship, has her broken areas exploited, goes downhill into a state of languishing, and the new guy walks out on her. (Pretty dramatic, but real life.)

You decide to pick Option 2: where the wife opens the bookstore of her dreams. You are satisfied with your choice. However, you have work on your hands when it comes to video editing. You will also create DVDs of the movie, creating a section called Alternative Endings, where the viewers can watch all the alternative endings for fun. Your assignment has been a success.

We are the same way.

When it comes to the last scene in your movie, you get to decide your ending. You are the one directing the last scene entitled New Chapter of Life. Will it be similar to one of the first four, or will it be Option 5? Only you can decide.

Healing from past hurts brings resilience and perspective. Creating an empowered new chapter of life requires perspective.

Be blessed.

Until next time,

Katina

Cut

Think about this…you are filming a movie for your Film Production class. The name of the movie is entitled: My Life Story. You have enlisted about 20 different friends and family members to help make this movie a success. Your parents are helping you out by purchasing food, water, and other drinks for all the volunteers. Now that everything is set, the only thing left to do is to begin filming the movie.

Everything is going fine until you get to the eighth scene of the movie. It is only ten minutes long. But, for some reason, the actors are not putting enough emphasis on the part of the scene where the wife and her husband have a huge fight, leaving her emotionally wounded, although he was the one who hurt her with his actions, turning her quest for accountability into feeling guilty that she brought up his betrayal in the first place.

All of a sudden, you yell out, “Cut!” Everybody takes a fifteen minute break. Before starting up again, you let the actors know that you have decided that instead of going through the script verbatim, leaving the wife wounded, the wife will stand up for herself, putting the husband out, and begin to pick up the broken pieces of her life. The rest of the movie will focus on her struggles, resilience, and trials as she lives life as a divorced woman.

Everyone loves this new scene. But they also realize there are several more scenes to go before the movie is done. So, they can’t take a break just yet.

As we sit and think about our own lives, we wish we could cut out a few scenes that don’t add up to the empowered new chapter part of us. We want the whole story to look good. But guess what? Unlike the actors in a film production scene, we cannot cut out the bad parts, slice the edges of the clips with razors in Adobe Premier Pro.

Both the good and the not so good parts of our story all work out in the end. The bad parts of our stories are the parts that help us build up endurance, resilience, and flourish in our new relationships. When we cut out the bad, messy, parts, we cut out the joyful, exhilarating parts as well. Healing requires wholeheartedness, for us to bring our whole selves to the table.

Healing from past hurts brings resilience, and resilience brings perspective. Creating an empowered new chapter of life requires perspective.

Be blessed.

Until next time,

Katina

It’s All About Perspective

Introduction

Picture yourself at a get-together among friends. At this particular function, each person shares what’s on his or her heart. The sharing time gets really vulnerable, but it’s what everyone needs. After sharing, you sit around the fire talking about the good ol’ days when you were a teenager or young adult, having fun, making memories, and in so doing, making some bad decisions. But, they were the good old days.

After fireside time, one of your friends, who’s a performing artist, decides to play some heartfelt music. After the music, you guys decide to go back to eating more food, which happens to be wonderfully spread out on the tables up on the deck. Then there is more music, more fireside chat, and more vulnerability. One of your friends, who’s a photographer, has to grab a few photos that best capture these moments. After a while, everyone decides to go home. The night was perfect.

The Interviews

On the following day, a reporter from a local newspaper wants to write an article on the benefits and blessings of community. In order to write this article, the reporter feels that he needs each of the friends who were in attendance at the function to talk about what went on that night.

By the time all the interviews are over, the reporter wonders if everyone attended the same party. The answer was “Yes”. Each person gave their own account of what happened that night based upon his/her own perspective. Our perspective is made up of our experiences in life, good or bad, our trials and traumas, failures and successes, and our level of resilience.

The performing artist would come at it from a music angle, and blending in more of his experiences to describe that night. The fire starter would come at it from the angle of being an outdoorsman. The ones who cooked the food may focus on the culinary aspect of the night. If there are therapists or coaches in the group, they will focus on the vulnerability and conversations of the night. The photographer would tell their story based on what he/she sees through the lens of the camera.

No matter what each individual’s focus entails, the end result is the same: the reporter was able to assess what went on that night, feeling empowered to write a state-of-the-art article on community. And guess what, he has pictures to back up those moments.

The definition of empowerment is: the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling one’s life and claiming one’s rights. In order for empowerment to be successful, there has to be several things involved/attained: information, perspective, autonomy, application, and self-awareness.

Empowerment

Empowerment is hindered when we have experiences, traumas, knowledge, and tons of information that is never applied to anything. We all want an empowered new chapter of life. The problem is that we don’t understand that there is an unconscious disconnect between the knowing and doing (life application).

Why Perspective?

Perspective cannot be left out. The reporter had to gain knowledge of each person’s perspective, applying knowledge, experience, and information that he already had in order to create a picture of his own perspective when writing the article. Creating a satisfying future hinges upon healing from past hurts. That’s because healing brings perspective and resilience.

It’s easy for us to resist the healing part. However, the knowledge of how everything goes hand in hand gives us the courage to move forward in our new chapter of life.

Until next time,

Katina

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