Enmeshed

When it comes to enmeshment, things can get real tricky. Just like codependency. Think about having ten necklaces getting tangled together. Trust me, I have had it to happen before. It is not fun. As a matter of fact, the more you try to untangle the mess, the more they get entangled. And before we know it, our emotions are entangled with these necklaces.

We start making headway when we go to the beginning of the first necklace and then start pulling from there. It is the same thing when it comes to relationships.

The more that you try to untangle, the more entangled you will become. Getting to the root of the entanglement/enmeshment is where healing begins. It is also where the pain will lie as well. When you are entangled/enmeshed, you are depending on someone else’s feelings to make you happy, sad, angry, etc., and dictate your behavior in general.

You are literally being controlled by someone else’s emotional state. Another way of looking at it is to picture your backyard and your neighbor’s backyard. You both have fences. The fences serve as boundaries. However, you have decided to make your neighbor’s yard free reign to go in and out as you please.

Would your neighbor be upset? Of course!! Who wouldn’t?

This is what happens in an entangled/enmeshed relationship. You ignore each other’s boundaries to the point of having such free reign, that you suffocate one another. So how do you get out? Some form of therapy is definitely needed.

At the same time, so is getting to the root of your issues with identity, self-worth, and not enoughness where you have other people’s emotions serving as your literal lifeline.

Creating an empowered new chapter of life involves healing from past hurts. And healing from past hurts involves reclaiming your power and identity, and enoughness. Reclaiming this power and identity from healing will give you a new perspective and a higher level of resilience so that you can flourish.

Until next time,

Katina

The Relationship Cycle-Entering the Door-Part 2

As we talked about in my last post, it is normal to be apprehensive whenever you start any kind of relationship. You don’t know what’s going to happen when you open that door.

The other thing that is normal is for both parties to be overly concerned with putting on an impression for the other person. We want to be liked. And we want to appear to be agreeable. If one person says, “Let’s go to the movies. What do you want to see? Then, the other person may say, “Whatever you want to see.” Sometimes that is the case. We don’t care about what it is. We just care about having companionship, doing the social thing, having the work-partnership.

Most times, we are people pleasing, seeking to make that big impression, consumed with the other person liking us. No matter what kind of relationship it is, this plays out real fast. You get sick and tired of going along with everything someone else wants to do. The funny thing about this is that we are the ones who initiated it in the first place.

Now, we seek to come out of it. We want to make our voices known and heard. Be who we really are. Creating an empowered new chapter of life involves having emotional, mental, and physical boundaries.

And this is normal and healthy. But what happens next? Find out in my next post.

Episode 90: What is your identity in?

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 90: What is your identity in?
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Have you ever considered the answer to the question, “What is your identity in?” I have heard it many of times over the years; these times were in church, small groups, sermons, and podcasts on the radio. If we were all thinking about the answer to this question, it would probably entail more than one thing. Listen up as we talk about this very concept on today’s podcast. If you missed “An Interview with Erin Thompson Part 1 or Part 2, you still have time to catch up. Have a blessed rest of your Wednesday.

Episode 90, identity, podcaster, podcasting, podcast community, focus, existential crisis, healing, healing our brokenness, katina horton, psychology, spiritual health, PTSD, trauma
Photo by Samantha Hurley at Shopify

Podcast Outline

  • Professional Titles
  • Relationship Titles
  • Attachment to Things and People
  • How Identity is Affected by Trauma
  • What We Naturally Do As Human Beings

Therefore we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making His appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ: Be reconciled to God. God made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.

2 Corinthians 5:21

At Valley of Grace, we believe in thriving. In order to thrive, we have to begin grounding ourselves in our identity. The first step in making this happen, is dealing with the effects of our childhood wounds. Click here to get started in Online Therapy today.****This is an amazon affiliate link where a commission is paid to offsite the cost of providing this information to you.

Episode 81: Begin to Declutter your Heart

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 81: Begin to Declutter your Heart
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Yesterday, we dove into the issues that cause our minds to be cluttered. Today, we will discuss the issues that causes our hearts to be cluttered. Cluttered hearts lead to cluttered souls. Have you cleaned out your heart today? If you missed yesterday’s podcast episode on decluttering, click here.

episode 81, podcasting, podcaster, begin to declutter your heart, emotional health, mental health, spiritual health, deception, lying, stealing, adulterous, katina horton

Podcast Outline

  • Sin
  • Issues of the Heart
  • The Fruit of the Spirit
  • Love

Scripture Verses to Meditate On:

Luke 6:45

The good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth that which is evil: for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.

Galatians 5:22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

1 Corinthians 13

If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Part 2

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 

11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Have a blessed rest of your Tuesday!

Katina

***This page contains affiliate links, meaning that I would receive something back for you purchasing something through this link. Click here for your 2021 Prayer Calendar

When Trauma Triggers other Trauma(Abandonment)—Part 2

Introduction

Two months ago, I wrote the following post: When Trauma Triggers other Trauma(Racism)—Part 1. Today, we will talk about when trauma triggers other trauma in the area of abandonment. At the beginning of lockdown, everything was new and different. There was a vast sense of paranoia in regard to catching the virus. The questions that came to mind for most people were: Will I catch the virus at work? At the store? In my home from opening up the groceries? Taking a walk outside? The list became endless. There was a sense of emotions and dissociating stirring up inside me whenever I put on masks to go inside at work and at the grocery stores, as well as watching others with their masks on. Because the pandemic was trauma-inducing itself, initially I didn’t investigate the issue.

isolation, social distancing, workplace, outside, pandemic, psychology, emotional health, mental health, spiritual health, connection, Zoom, virus, COVID
photo by Shopify

I also began to notice that the social distancing order caused me to dissociate and stir up certain emotions. But once again, just making it through the trauma of the pandemic was enough. Things were fresh and new, and I was going about my business as usual-until-yes, that is the magic word: until. Until people started asking each other how they were faring during the pandemic, whether alone or with others on social media. They were wondering how it felt to have to navigate the pandemic alone.

isolation, social distancing, workplace, outside, pandemic, psychology, emotional health, mental health, spiritual health, connection, Zoom, virus, COVID
photo by Shopify

Dissection

That’s when the giant drop occurred. For more on the giant drop, refer to this post. I had no other choice but to deal with the emotions as well as the dissociation. I was able to figure out that the social distancing and masks brought up old wounds of abandonment, and along with the abandonment, it’s friend named loneliness came along. I had to remind myself of the following: 1) that the trauma of the pandemic with the masks and social distancing aspects, along with the space involved, were triggering these feelings. 2) No one was leaving me. 3) I had to invoke a higher level of self-care. 4) I had to connect with others even more than usual, and even if that connection meant phone calls and Zoom, it would have to do. 5) I had to do deep breathing, and practice eye-focusing exercises to help ground me in the present time.

isolation, social distancing, workplace, outside, pandemic, psychology, emotional health, mental health, spiritual health, connection, Zoom, virus, COVID
photo by Shopify

Revelation

Initially, I realized that my self-care involved more music, reading, and outside time than watching television. I have found that sitting from watching television can actually be more anxiety and depression-inducing when you are going through hard times emotionally and mentally. It also helped when my son came and stayed for a few months right after my revelation of dissociation. However, before and after he left, I had already started implementing the four steps listed above. Thus, it made my journey even easier to navigate. The loneliness didn’t totally dissipate, but it became manageable with adding an extra layer of connection that wasn’t previously needed.

We all have different ways of dealing with trauma. What is helpful to one person may or may not be helpful to another. I am not a therapist. If your symptoms are causing you a heightened level of distress, seeing a therapist, or any other mental health professional is recommended.


Thanks and God bless!

Katina

Episode 72: An Interview with Valetta Brinson on Teaching, Fear, Loss, Singing, Relationships, Mentoring, & Brokenness

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 72: An Interview with Valetta Brinson on Teaching, Fear, Loss, Singing, Relationships, Mentoring, & Brokenness
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We all benefit from the wisdom of a mentor/important person in our lives. Has this ever been an opportunity of yours, and if so, what made that person important? Studies have shown that for every negative influence, we need five more positive influences to counteract those effects. The bible also teaches us the importance of having older women and men take the younger generation under their wings. I have done this myself, as well as having been mentored within the last eight years, and it has truly blessed me. I have learned that the older people get, the more authentic they become when they allow God to take the lead.

Yesterday, I was graced with the opportunity to interview Valetta Brinson, An Associate Professor at Southwest Tennessee Community College, A Performing Artist, and Business Owner of Brinson Music Group. Click to listen in on her mentor/mentee experience and much more!

Valetta Brinson Podcast Outline

  • Childhood
  • Relationships
  • Music
  • Singing
  • Blackness
  • The Pandemic
  • Her Career
  • Her Advice
  • Definition of Brokenness
  • Her Brokenness
  • Advice on Dealing with Brokenness
  • Unhealed Brokenness
  • Home

Relational Bible Passages to Focus on :

Joel 2: 25-32

“So I will restore to you the years that the swarming [a]locust has eaten,
The crawling locust,
The consuming locust,
And the chewing locust,
My great army which I sent among you.
26 You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,
And praise the name of the Lord your God,
Who has dealt wondrously with you;
And My people shall never be put to shame.
27 Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel:
am the Lord your God
And there is no other.
My people shall never be put to shame.

God’s Spirit Poured Out


29 And also on My menservants and on My maidservants
I will pour out My Spirit in those days.

30 “And I will show wonders in the heavens and in the earth:
Blood and fire and pillars of smoke.
31 The sun shall be turned into darkness,
And the moon into blood,
Before the coming of the great and awesome day of the Lord.
32 And it shall come to pass
That whoever calls on the name of the Lord
Shall be [b]saved.
For in Mount Zion and in Jerusalem there shall be [c]deliverance,
As the Lord has said,
Among the remnant whom the Lord calls.

Titus 2: 3-8

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us.

Have a blessed week!

Katina

Wanting It Our Way

The following post is one that I shared a little over a year ago on another website.  I would still love to hear your stories of wanting things “your way” instead of God’s. 🙂

Have you ever wanted it your way?  I know you are probably wondering, what does that mean?  Wanting it our way is when we have a process of start to finish of how something should go.  However, when it doesn’t fall in line with our expectations, we become disillusioned into thinking that it didn’t happen, or couldn’t happen because we didn’t check off all the steps that we had for the process.

Photo by Verne Ho

This past week, there wasn’t anything that went as planned.  My after work naps either didn’t happen, or were later than planned.  My during the week walks/and or visits to the beach didn’t go as planned.  And then phone calls that I needed to make to take care of business didn’t go as planned because I wasn’t able to reach people. 

However, God showed me that I wanted it my way.  He had a different set of plans for the week:  I got a chance to spend some time with my young adult son watching Little House on the Prairie.  This was totally unplanned.  Just so happened that he pulled in the driveway right after me.  I turned the TV on to a recording, expecting to fall asleep, but I didn’t. We watched an episode entitled, “The Three Bullies”.  Charles had to protect his wife from some obstinate town bullies.  The children showed the adults a lesson in how coming together in numbers gives strength rather than fighting alone.

My second God moment was riding home from the library midweek after bible study and catching a glimpse of God’s glorious sunset.  There were hues of medium pink streaking across the sky.  The air felt perfect.  And all was calm.  And guess what?  My way wasn’t the best way after all.

What simple, functional, grace-filled things replaced your “wanting it your way” this past week?  Would love to hear your stories!

God bless!

Katina

Episode 62: It’s Not That Bad!

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 62: It's Not That Bad!
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Have you ever been in a conversation with someone, sharing your pain, pouring out your heart and soul, only told to be told, “It’s not that bad!” Tune in to today’s podcast episode to find out if it is “that bad”.

Podcast Outline

  • What is Comparative Suffering?
  • What is empathy?
  • Why Comparing Pain is Bad?
  • How can we do better when talking about our pain?

Background Scripture: John 21

Question for the week: What will you do the next time that you are tempted to rank your pain with someone else’s?

Challenge

Season of Uncertainty

We are definitely living in uncertain times. During these times, it is important to keep ourselves anchored in God and his promises. It is also crucial to establish a creative outlet for ourselves, and our kids if they are still at home. Practicing self-care will help our souls and our ability to be resilient when everything around us is on shaky ground. This poem “Season of Uncertainty”, deals with our life as it is right now worldwide. I am currently reminded of God’s goodness as I type this because there are several birds singing their tunes right outside my kitchen window. To God be the glory! Blessings my friends!

Season of Uncertainty

The sun and birds.

The walks and talks.

Slowdown and family time.

There’s a growing whine.

When at home we dine.

In the midst of uncertainty.

It’s the unexpected.

When you feel neglected.

And a need to be hugged and seen.

When our faith is tested,

and the fear has rested,

in our hearts and in our souls.

It’s a time to trust.

Trust that God is good.

When the picture’s not whole, looks bleak.

When we search for others,

There’s no need to look further,

When his kingdom we will seek.

Last poem: Triggered

Episode 60: Listen to Your Body

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 60: Listen to Your Body
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We listen to our friends, our enemies, “our hearts”, the radio, our children, etc. How many of us listen to our bodies? Did you know that listening to your body can give you clarity into listening to the needs, longings, and desires of your soul? Take a listen to this week’s podcast to gain a bigger perspective. Just in case you missed my last podcast, you can grab that one here: Episode 59: The Gift of Margin. God bless!

Podcast Notes

HALT

  • Hungry
  • Angry
  • Lonely
  • Tired

Bible Passage Focus for Meditation:

1 Kings 19

Now Ahab told Jezebel everything Elijah had done and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. So Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah to say, “May the gods deal with me, be it ever so severely, if by this time tomorrow I do not make your life like that of one of them.”

Elijah was afraid[a] and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.

All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.

The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. There he went into a cave and spent the night.

1 Kings 19