Codependency Is Real-Part Three

No matter what situation it is, the hardest part about taking on any task when it comes to self-growth and self development is dealing with you. It feels better to hold up the mirror to everybody else? It makes us feel like we are better somehow.

But guess what? Paying attention to what everybody else is doing is a blinder for minding your own business and digging deeper into our own pile of junk.

When you are playing the role of a codependent, you don’t have time to check in with yourself to see what’s really going on. Your focus is on saving the other person. As mentioned in the last post, codependents stay in the state they are in number one, because of fear, and then number two: insecurities.

“The common areas of insecurities and or brokenness are low self-esteem, low self-worth, poor body image, and not enoughness. Codependents cover up these areas by becoming the Savior of the day in their spouse’s, coworker’s, friend’s, or ministry partner’s life. So, even when you have the come to Jesus moment and stop doing things for the other person, if you don’t take the time to do the self-work, you will be right back to wearing your cape as Savior of the day, and playing Jesus.

Frustration is the catalyst for change. However, that is only if the desire and hard work required to be a better version of you outweighs the pain of staying in the comfort zone of where you are now. “

Katina Horton

Creating an empowered new chapter of life involves healing from past hurts. And in turn, healing from past hurts helps us to gain resilience and perspective. In our next post, I will discuss the dangers of enmeshment.

Codependency Is Real-Part 2

Ok. You have finally had a come to Jesus moment and realized that you are a codependent. So, what now? And this is definitely a valid question.

Just like dealing with a computer problem, you have to analyze the why in relationships? Like all other sins, codependency is rooted in fear. Fear of the unknown. What will happen if you don’t pay the bills? What will happen if you don’t budget the money?

Does that mean you will end up homeless? What will happen if you and possibly you and the kids have to suffer as well? Will you end up broke? Having to downsize?

The Struggle

As women, we have been trained to take up the slack. Just like tying our kids’ shoes is easier for us than listening to whine and scream, “I can’t do it!” , doing things for other people without the hassle seems easier and safer. Plus, who wants to hear that whining?

As long as we keep tying the shoes, the child doesn’t grow, learn, and understand the concept of struggle as a natural process.

The same becomes true for your partner. As long as you keep tying his shoes, the irresponsibility continues and increases, and there is no struggle or growth. Growth cannot happen without discomfort.

One thing that became hard for me to understand is when my therapist explained that the only reason we continue in unhealthy cycles is because we are getting something out of it.

This is the second part of the why. The first part dealt with fear. The second part is your own brokenness. Codependency works because there is a need in you that is being fulfilled. That need is tied into your own insecurities and unhealed areas. Creating an empowered new chapter of life involves healing from past hurts. And in turn, healing from past hurts helps us to gain resilience and perspective. We will talk more about these insecurities in my next post.

Until next time,

Katina

Codependency is Real

When you think of the word codependency, it immediately makes you want to think of a person who is in a relationship with an alcoholic. That is what I thought it meant. However, this is a narrow view of the word codependency, and it took a while for me to learn that.

Codependency in basic terms, is an enabler. Codependents enable/assist their spouses, partners, life-giving friends, family members, kids, coworkers, etc. to be irresponsible in whatever area that they are struggling in. This enabling could be in the form of giving money for addictions, arguing back and forth with the person so that they make “their issue” your issue, or ignoring the behavior towards us instead of creating boundaries for how we will live and or function going forward.

Once the honeymoon phase of a relationship is over, problems will occur. And to be honest, the problems started occurring before this phase was over. You were just so in love, that you ignored them. If you are not strong in your identity, and your partner isn’t being responsible in a certain area, you can slowly fall into the role of taking up the slack.

And just like doing everything your partner wants to do gets played out, so does codependency. How does one get out of this cycle? We will dig in a little deeper in the next post. Be blessed.

Until next time,

Katina