Toxic Relationships and A Medical Diagnosis-It seems easier to trust God with what it is he has told you to do when you know what the outcome is going to be. However, we know that if we only trust God when certainty is involved, that means that we don’t fully trust him. Our trust becomes conditional.
Listen 🎧 in to this candid conversation between Lauren Roskilly and I as we dissect Toxic Relationships, A Medical Diagnosis, Codependency, and Obedience.
In case you missed last week’s episode, grab it here.
Lauren is a mum of two beautiful children. She has a BA Hons in Health and social care and also a diploma in CBT. Lauren became a born- again Christian in 2004. She is transparent about her ups and downs with mental health, depression, anxiety and self- harm. But God helped her with these and she has learnt to refocus from the negative and towards Christ. She practices being mindful of Him, thus the name of her blog ‘Mindful of Christ’. She is the author of ‘Christian based Cognitive Behavioural therapy.’ A Speaker and a Christian Life Coach where she helps people to recognise & overcome limiting beliefs & negative mindsets and help them to discover and step into their God given purpose.
Last time we talked about the first step in the relationship cycle: our cravings. We dissected the normality of it, and how we were created to crave relationship, but the danger is when our relationship cravings turn to lust.
Today, we will discuss the second step: entering a new relationship. When we enter a new relationship, it is like opening a door not knowing what’s on the other side. The first example would be like watching some of the old game shows on TV. The contestant is told to pick a door. That door holds their prize.
The thing about that prize is that it could be good or bad. Desirable or undesirable. We don’t know. It’s all about perspective. What we do know is that they are taking a chance opening that door.
The second example would be likened to going home after work, not knowing whether the kids or people living with you have completely trashed the house, or if all kind of drama will be going on once you open that door.
Will you want to embrace what’s inside, or take off running? Entering new relationships are the same way. Only time will tell what you have gotten yourself into.
What is on the other side of that door?
You don’t know until you open it and explore. It is the chance that you take with relationships of any kind. But relationships are just as essential to life as breathing. We would like to think that we can do life alone. But it’s just not the truth. Even if it takes a while to find the right tribe, we need one.
Blockage can be caused by a lot of things: injustice, homelessness, oppression, your move on a board game, something bad that you ate. The list could literally go on and on. But the question is… What if God is doing the blocking, and his way of blocking you is homelessness? This is no laughing matter.
When our fight or flight response kicks in, the natural thing to do is to fight when someone or something blocks us. But what if fighting being blocked does more harm than good when God is doing the blocking. What if what appears to be mean, unfair, and unjust is just what we need? What if God’s blockage is God’s protection.
Take a listen to this week’s episode to find out what happened when I was blocked by homelessness.
Until next time,
Transcript for the Hearing Impaired
Speaker 0 00:00:23 <inaudible> the valley
Speaker 1 00:01:04 This is the Valley Of grace podcast, helping women create and empowered new chapter of his life and how we’re doing that. We are breaking unhealthy relationship patterns. We’re building resilience and flourishing, and we are reclaiming our power and identity today’s episode is entitled, blocked by homelessness. Now, when you think of those two things together, when you think of them separately, think of homelessness, not having a home, no dwelling, and then thinking of blocked, the word blocked, being prevented from being able to do something.
So we’re being blocked by homelessness, prevented from being able to do something and homeless is how it was being used. That’s really deep when you think about it. So we’re going to go back to the year 2014. Uh, I was in a process of going through a divorce. The procedure was pretty much done and over with. And I had been looking for a place for 60 days.
Speaker 1 00:02:34 I mean, literally 60 days of looking, I had not found anything. I had money to pay the rent per month, but I did not have money, any extra money for the security deposit nor for the first month’s rent. So I kept thinking to myself, Lord, how am I going to be able to make it every month? What am I going to do?
And, my therapist gave me a list of places to go to. I went to those places and, um, well I went to one place, the very first place and that didn’t work out. Um, the place was very judgmental and critical. And so, I still have thoughts in my mind of trying to figure out what in the world I was going to do. And I remember leaving that place, being on the bus, the pace bus headed home, and my ex-mother-in-law called and said, I don’t want you and my grandbabies to be in a shelter.
Speaker 1 00:03:48 I don’t want you to stay in a hotel or to be out on the streets. So I’m going to let you borrow the money that you need. And I remember her telling me that gave me a feeling, this sense of calm and peace about it, but then being on the pace bus on the way home after that, and the holy spirit saying, well, if I want you to be homeless, that’s exactly what’s going to end up happening.
And so sometimes we think that just because someone else gives us what it is that we need to prevent us from being blocked means that we are no longer going to be blocked. However, when we are blocked, that is God’s hands at work, whatever door he opens, whatever door he closes is not in our control and it’s not in anyone else’s control. And the more we fight against it, the more we become unraveled with the situation, the more we’re like, I’m going to do it on my own, God since, you’re not going to let me do it.
Speaker 1 00:04:57 You’re not going to open the door. You’re not going to help me find a way another job, another home I’m going to do it on my own. And we end up being burnt out. We end up bitter disillusioned resentful, whether it’s, um, I guess God or whoever, but it’s not a good end result.
And so I had got to a point where I was just exhausted from looking and looking and looking and not finding anything. I had this glimmer of hope when she said that. But then after I heard the holy spirit is saying, if I want you to be homeless, this that’s what’s going to happen. But then a whole another set of thoughts start coming in my mind like, wow, I could actually end up being homeless on the day that I have to move out. I could actually end up being homeless, me and the kids.
Speaker 1 00:05:51 And what am I going to do? I decided I would go ahead and create this new empowered chapter of life of myself, move forward in the steps to reclaiming my power and identity, to break all of those unhealthy relationship patterns. I started that and my decision to go to therapy. That was the beginning of it. That was the one step I made to move forward.
And then it’s like, okay. So after all of this, this is what you give me, Lord is what I was thinking at the time. Just feeling very discouraged, discouraged because of that discouraged because of the dishonesty, um, with my ex-husband and court and just not knowing what I was going to do, we only have so much emotional and mental bandwidth and it’s just like, what in the world am I going to do? How am I going to make it?
Speaker 1 00:06:47 We were used to living a certain type of lifestyle, if that was what was going to happen, it was not going to be up to me. I was doing the very best I could and whatever God had planned was what he had planned.
And one thing about it was that, um, we ended up not finding a place before having to move from the marital residence. Okay. The short sale went through really quick and we had to be out of there. But a friend of mine already mentioned to me, if you guys don’t have anywhere to go, as you are pulling out from your place, just text me and let me know you’re on your way that you and the kids are on the way. And that really, really, really gave me hope and more of a sense of purpose.
Speaker 1 00:07:51 When you are facing loneliness, homelessness, and other factors involved, you’re just like, what am I going to do? So you start to have like an existential crisis and you just wandering, okay, “Am I still going to be, to carry on my purpose? That’s a lot of unknowns that come about and a lot of things as a result of poverty and homelessness.
And so her telling me that gave me hope. And, um, I didn’t know, but God knew that if I had moved the kids and I right away, we would have suffered even more trauma. I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted from packing at the last minute and getting things already.
So, sense we had to leave out of there on that Friday, I would not have had the capacity to move again and unpack all of that stuff. And then try to just start out living everyday life. Again, we needed a layover, but I did not know that at the time. So a lot of times God will block us from being able to do things that we want, but there is a purpose behind it. There’s always a purpose, you know, and I remember my therapist telling me even years ago, when I first started going, you’re going to be pulling back layers for years.
Speaker 1 00:09:29 God blocked me so I could have a place of rest, physical rest and spiritual west, minus any emotional risks. He did this for five weeks.. But after, um, three weeks of being blocked, we found something, but wasn’t going to be able to move for another two weeks.
We needed that break. And so, a lot of times when we were right in the middle, we were right in the thick of things. We don’t see that. We want the instant gratification, you know, and we see God, we think he’s punishing us, but he’s not. It’s all within his will for a specific purpose in mind. And so, when my friend and her husband took us in, um, we felt the peace, the warmth, the fellowship of God there, and we were able to have our own rooms.
Speaker 1 00:10:35 My daughter and I shared a room, and my son was able to have his own space down in the basement, a full-size basement, like an apartment down there. So, it was the blessing that God gave us. Yes, you’re going to be homeless, but you’re going to be comfortable. While you’re in this state of homelessness. God’s grace is there.
He was even when I felt that he wasn’t and sometimes people will come up to us when we’re in whatever state we’re in, we’re already broken already, already trying to get some grounding, and then say, “There must be something you’re doing wrong. Otherwise, this wouldn’t happen.
You should just do this, this and this. You didn’t apply to the right places. Um, you know, apply it in the right areas. It’s always something that they’ve got to find, especially when you are a woman of God and they know how you are, you know, there’s gotta be, it’s gotta be something you’re doing because they can’t come up with any reasoning, which is natural when you think about it. Why would God allow his people to suffer more when they have already suffered?
Speaker 1 00:11:48 It was like with Job, when he was sick, his friends, all of a sudden, they had to say, “He’s got to be something wrong. Otherwise, why would this happen to you?” There’s not always something we do that causes it to happen.
Some things is just that God knows best. And even if his best is homelessness, that is his best for us for any particular reason. And like I said, we needed the rest and didn’t know it. None of us are exempt from being blocked by homelessness or any other thing that God decides. Okay. And so we can be honest, and open up and say, God, I’m angry. I don’t like what it is you’re doing.
Speaker 1 00:12:43 I’m really upset God, please help me. As I walk through this journey that you would have me walk that is very unpleasant, please help me to continue to do your will because you know, best. This is what I would want in my calling and my job, whatever my profession is, or this is what kind of car I want , what kind of house, what kind of neighborhood, but you’re blocking me from having it for whatever reason, I accept it.
And the more we resist, the harder it will be for us to learn whatever it is God wants us to learn. To be able to develop our character in order for us to grow, thrive, and have that empowered new chapter of life, to be able to reclaim our power and identity. And just because we made those decisions, we made that choice to do that does not mean it’s going to be easy.
Speaker 1 00:13:38 It does not mean that God would not block us for certain periods of time for us to grow and to learn and to protect us for whatever reason. So, I hope that it’s something that was said that would resonate with you.
I don’t know if you’ve ever been blocked by homelessness yourself. Um, if you are enjoying the valley of grace podcast, where we’re helping women create an empowered new chapter of life, do me a favor and leave us a review. If you could tag your friends on social media and let them know to listen to us on iTunes, apple podcasts, Google podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, Amazon music, and podcasts.
And if you are feeling like you just cannot go on, and you are tempted to go back, turn around, you need some type of music, some type of encouragement to keep you going, so you won’t revert back to the way it used to be, as the song says, “ Download the valley of grace song. It is on iTunes. And it’s also on Amazon music.
As you have those words resonate in your head, I won’t go back to the way it was again. You do not have to repeat cycles of unhealthy relationships. You do not have to repeat that. And that song is there to remind you. I won’t go back to the way that it was again. I want to thank Timothy Horton for bringing the intro and outro music. Until next time. <inaudible>
I want to tell you the story of that beautiful case that I saw.
When my son was about 8 years old, I bought all the various computer parts to build him a desktop. I decided upon a royal blue clear case. These cases were all the rave at the time. You could see all the internal parts, and lights, etc. I knew at his age he would think this was cool.
The Manufacture of the case boasted “no white-gloves” needed. Wow! This was great. So I thought. The case should open with no problem. He was going to be jamming with this cool case. I pressed and pulled, huffed and puffed to get this case open. Nothing. Used tools ⚒️. Nothing. Finally, after getting my adrenaline going at full speed, I got the case to open. I was worn out.
What they said, and the truth were two different things. After sitting there for a few minutes, I felt weird. Like really weird. I looked down at my hand, and the case had cut a chunk of the inside of my thumb off. Looking at it made me nauseous and light-headed. I went down to the kitchen to take care of it. The kids saw “that Look” on my face, as they call it, and they asked me what happened. I told them, and they were shocked.
I decided to wrap the wound and bandage it up after using peroxide and Neosporin. My thumb only has a little bit of discoloration now. You can hardly tell how badly I got injured. It’s just a scar. Just so you know, I sent the case back and got another one instead.
Some of you saw that one person’s profile. It looked good on paper. As a matter of fact, it sounded good. But, once you opened the package, you were in for a big surprise. You were cut so deep, that it left you wounded and bleeding out on everything and everyone.
But, for some reason, you are still holding on to that case, without digging deeper into the how’s, why’s , etc. This person(case), will determine how you select all the others (friends, jobs, partners in ministry, etc.) until you deal with the wounds.
You don’t have to keep bleeding out on everyone. You can begin to dissect your cycle of unhealthy relationship patterns. Even better, you can get bandaged up ⬆️in the process. The question is: When will you make that choice?
Are you saying to yourself, “I’m sick and tired of being stuck in one unhealthy relationship after the next. Life should be better than this. This does not look like the abundant life that Christ promised us!” Then this course is for you. It walks you through the process step by step to getting out of the revolving door of stuckness, and into the door of abundant living. But when are you going to open the door? Are you waiting for your friend or someone else to open it for you? That’s what the Course Broken Pieces is all about. It walks you through with personalized videos, getting you to the heart of the matter. ****This is an amazon affiliate link where a commission is paid to offsite the cost of providing this information to you.