The Discard

The Entering A New Relationship Phase is Over.

The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior Phase is over.

The Languishing Phase is Over. 

And there is only one phase left in the Toxic Relationship Cycle.  That phase is the infamous “Discard Phase”.

The Discard

The “Discard Phase” Would be equivalent to The Grand Prize Game on the popular childhood television series Bozo the Clown. 

It is the ultimate act for a person with Narcissistic Brokenness.   And unfortunately, their desire is to leave you in a state of complete brokenness on the way out.

This is the only way that they can both reconcile the manner in which it is done and avoid responsibility for leaving.

Unlike The television show, it is not a laughing matter.

Your partner in the toxic relationship cycle has decided that they are leaving you. Just like discarding an old pair of shoes that are no longer supporting your feet, they are getting rid of you.

How long does this phase last?

There is no set time period.  What is certain is that it is going to happen. You may or may not be told when.

The best thing to do is to prepare yourself and or your children.

You know that you are in this phase when the following things are present:

  • You disrespect and dishonor yourself to the point of not knowing who you are anymore.
  • You get daily reminders of the crazy situation you are in.
  • Anything and everything is done to get you to put him out because he won’t accept responsibility.
  • You are told “I’ll always love you but I’m not in love with you”.
  • You find evidence that there is another supply.
  • You are reminded of the insecurities you disclosed to him in the beginning.
  • He reveals some things he never told you before.
  • He is stringing you and the kids along.
  • Your representation of light, growth, and truth is so far from where he is in the darkness.
  • A fake suicide stunt is done as a last resort to regain control.

So what do you do after your partner leaves you?

You began the work of healing. 

And this work takes place one day at a time.  And sometimes the one day at a time may be one hour at a time.  And sometimes the one hour at a time looks like one minute at a time. And sometimes the one minute at a time looks like one second at a time.

The important thing is that you are moving forward. Doing the work to reclaim your power and identity will be worth it.

Remember: you are already enough.  Grab your keys to the kingdom and get your inheritance.

Until next time,


Episode 141: 4 Things The Story of Samson & Delilah Teaches You About Toxic Relationships

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 141: 4 Things The Story of Samson & Delilah Teaches You About Toxic Relationships

When you think of the Story of Samson and Delilah, you think about hair, strength, and a downfall.  The story of Samson and Delilah teaches you more than that.  It gives you the steps of the toxic relationship cycle from start to finish starting with the love-bombing, and then ending with the discard.

Episode 140: 8 Reasons Why You’re Not Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 140: 8 Reasons Why You're Not Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

You seem to be doing everything that you need to do, but you are not healing. And for the life of you, you can’t figure out why. The thing is, you are really doing what it is you want to do, and not what you need. Take a listen.

In case you missed last week’s podcast, click here.

How do the problems manifest themselves in “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior Phase” Part 7

How does one know that she has been in “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior Phase” too long?  

You know you have been in The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior Phase of a toxic  relationship too long when you have normalized blame shifting, guilt and obligation, gaslighting ️, and walking around in a state of cognitive dissonance all the time.  

What is causing the cognitive dissonance? Cognitive dissonance is caused by the fact that your values, beliefs, core sense of self, faith, and everything else in between, is incongruent with the life you are living.  

Another thing that causes cognitive dissonance is going through the mean and sweet cycles, better known as breadcrumbing.  

What is breadcrumbing ?

Breadcrumbing is when your partner, or any other person you are in a toxic relationship with, gives you something to keep you smiling and happy to make you forget about the fact that you are living in a constant state of emotional abuse and mistreatment.

Long story short, it is a pacifier.

Think about when infants and toddlers are crying, and you need to get your housework done. And perhaps they are hungry, and you need 15 more minutes to finish your project and then feed them.

So, you give them a pacifier. A pacifier does not take the place of food.  It is something that gives temporary relief and comfort.

Breadcrumbing has the same affect. It is only temporary relief from the mistreatment that you have been receiving.

Unlike dealing with your infant or toddler, in a toxic relationship, breadcrumbing is a way of saying, “Yes, I’m not treating you right big time. And I know this. I’ll throw you a little bone here and there to make you forget about how awful it is.”

What are some of the breadcrumbs? Going to the movies, chocolate candy, teddy bears , going on vacation, going out to dinner , and on and on.

And we all have enough common sense to know that none of these things will ever makeup for mistreatment.  

However, after being in this phase for so long, you have been conditioned to accept these things as being enough, which causes even more cognitive dissonance and disrespect, dishonor, and devaluing of self.

To not accept the breadcrumbing as being enough is to face the truth.  And as the Scriptures tell us, the truth is what brings freedom. However, you are not ready for that freedom.  Not in this stage.  You want the temporary relief, not the pain that goes along with freedom.

And thus, the movie continues.   

In my next post, we will discuss the next phase in the toxic relationship cycle.  And that phase is languishing.

Until next time,