Healing From Narcissistic Abuse-The Art of Self-Care

Introduction

One of the hardest things to do after being in a narcissistic or any other kind of toxic relationship is to practice self-care. Self-care is an art. Not a science.

At first, the temptation can be to write out a list of different things that must be done for self-care to take place. There is no right or wrong way. However, a must-follow list will only have you focusing on rigidity. Self-care shouldn’t be painstaking.

Dissection

The common things that we think of when it comes to self-care is polishing our nails, going to the spa, shampooing our hair, etc. All these things are part of self-care. However, when you think of self-care in terms of caring for your mind, body, and soul (mind, will, and emotions), the things that you do to enforce self-care will become more of a holistic and natural approach rather than one that is forced.

One thing that helps to reinforce a natural approach is to journal, asking your mind, body, and soul, “What do you need today?”


Narcissistic relationships drain all your resources and energy on every level. This was your norm and has to be unlearned. And as with any other habit, releasing one habit means replacing it with another.

The Challenge


Developing principles of self-care for yourself, and then other care for your children, extended family, and other important relationships in your life will be the driving force for helping you to move forward.

Once you know what these principles will look like, then you can establish boundaries around these principles for yourself and others. For years you have conditioned yourself to placing yourself at the bottom of the list. After your partner. After your children. And after everyone else. And in some instances, not at all.

Self-Care as Self-Love

Self-care is part of self-love. And self-love is part of the practice of developing an intimate relationship with yourself by becoming self-aware of who you are as a person, where you are as a person, and where it is you are going, along with where you want to be.

You are already enough. You do not have to wear yourself down and ignore your self in order to please others and gain approval from others. Grab your keys to the kingdom and get your inheritance.

Episode 144: Kathryn May Talks Identity After Childhood & Narcissistic Abuse

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 144: Kathryn May Talks Identity After Childhood & Narcissistic Abuse
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It is a very daunting task, yet, not impossible to reclaim your power and identity after childhood abuse, homelessness, and then narcissistic abuse. The temptation is to keep it all in, form a “prison camp”, as Kathryn calls it, and shut yourself out from the rest of the world 🌎.

Although it is tempting, following this path leads to more anxiety 😦, depression, unworthiness, and in essence, an existential crisis. Listen 👂in to Part 1 as Kathryn gives a word from the Lord In picking yourself up and starting over again.Be blessed 😇!!!

Until next time,

Katina

Healing From Narcissistic Abuse Part 1

You have finally gotten out of the toxic relationship you were in.

And you’re probably thinking now you can throw a party, and everything will go back to the way it was before you entered it.

Just like you had magical thinking when you were in the toxic relationship, thinking that you will walk out from under A toxic relationship with a narcissist or any other toxic person unscathed Is like walking outside in a thunderstorm Without an umbrella and thinking that you won’t get wet.

It’s delusional.

The most important thing that you can do after being discarded from a toxic relationship is to give yourself grace. You will need tons of it.  Not only from yourself, but from other people.

The biggest teacher for accepting grace from others is giving it to ourselves first.

The first thing that you will think is, “ Okay, This just happened. And it hurt. But now, All I need to do is to pick myself up by the bootstraps, put on my big girl pants, and move on.

Uh, Yes and no.

We don’t ever want to lie down in victim mode.  However, you have had a lot of things done to you, and that reality hasn’t settled in.

First of all, the damage that has been done to your emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical being is enormous.

It literally might take a few months before this manifests.  And even after that, the physical damage won’t manifest itself maybe until six months later, once the exhaustion sets in.

Although you have been going and going like the energizer bunny in the relationship, your body has taken on way more capacity than it should have been for years.

Our minds, bodies, and souls work together, with the mind handling 50% more than what our bodies can. However, for some reason, the effect on our bodies catch up after the effect on our brains.

The second most important thing that you must do is to go “ No Contact”.

If you have children with a narcissistic person, then you would follow the “low contact rule”.

What does “no contact” mean?

It literally means just the way it sounds. You have to eliminate all contact from the person you were in the toxic relationship with.

This includes texting, in person meetings, phone calls, emails, social media, third-party conversations, etc.  Basically, any and all means of communication with this person.

Low contact would mean that you are only interacting with this person for the bare minimal necessities.   This looks like: discussion of your children’s doctor appointments, emotional, mental, and physical health issues, visitation schedules, vacation schedules, and emergencies.

No and low contact are the first set of boundaries that you must learn, and then follow quickly.

This is the only thing that has proven most effective for women Recovering from narcissistic abuse and Abuse in general.

And it probably has to do with the fact that nine times out of 10, women who are in toxic relationships form a trauma bond with their toxic partner.

And in turn, this trauma bond causes a soul tie.

Any and all contact with the individual that you have the soul tie with is only going to re-enforce the trauma bond, which reinforces the soul tie.

So in essence, you are working against your self.

You need time to go through withdrawal. And that is a whole ‘Nother level.

When you are going through withdrawal, you are not alone.  You are enlisting the help of the Holy Spirit, and building emotional and spiritual resilience to handle the pain.

Remember: You are enough.  You do not have to reconnect with your abuser in order to Prove that you are. You are a daughter of the King.  And now, you are beginning to reclaim your power and identity by healing and moving forward.

Until next time,

Katina

The Discard


The Entering A New Relationship Phase is Over.

The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior Phase is over.

The Languishing Phase is Over. 

And there is only one phase left in the Toxic Relationship Cycle.  That phase is the infamous “Discard Phase”.

The Discard

The “Discard Phase” Would be equivalent to The Grand Prize Game on the popular childhood television series Bozo the Clown. 

It is the ultimate act for a person with Narcissistic Brokenness.   And unfortunately, their desire is to leave you in a state of complete brokenness on the way out.

This is the only way that they can both reconcile the manner in which it is done and avoid responsibility for leaving.

Unlike The television show, it is not a laughing matter.

Your partner in the toxic relationship cycle has decided that they are leaving you. Just like discarding an old pair of shoes that are no longer supporting your feet, they are getting rid of you.

How long does this phase last?

There is no set time period.  What is certain is that it is going to happen. You may or may not be told when.

The best thing to do is to prepare yourself and or your children.

You know that you are in this phase when the following things are present:

  • You disrespect and dishonor yourself to the point of not knowing who you are anymore.
  • You get daily reminders of the crazy situation you are in.
  • Anything and everything is done to get you to put him out because he won’t accept responsibility.
  • You are told “I’ll always love you but I’m not in love with you”.
  • You find evidence that there is another supply.
  • You are reminded of the insecurities you disclosed to him in the beginning.
  • He reveals some things he never told you before.
  • He is stringing you and the kids along.
  • Your representation of light, growth, and truth is so far from where he is in the darkness.
  • A fake suicide stunt is done as a last resort to regain control.

So what do you do after your partner leaves you?

You began the work of healing. 

And this work takes place one day at a time.  And sometimes the one day at a time may be one hour at a time.  And sometimes the one hour at a time looks like one minute at a time. And sometimes the one minute at a time looks like one second at a time.

The important thing is that you are moving forward. Doing the work to reclaim your power and identity will be worth it.

Remember: you are already enough.  Grab your keys to the kingdom and get your inheritance.

Until next time,

Katina

Episode 141: 4 Things The Story of Samson & Delilah Teaches You About Toxic Relationships

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 141: 4 Things The Story of Samson & Delilah Teaches You About Toxic Relationships
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When you think of the Story of Samson and Delilah, you think about hair, strength, and a downfall.  The story of Samson and Delilah teaches you more than that.  It gives you the steps of the toxic relationship cycle from start to finish starting with the love-bombing, and then ending with the discard.

Episode 140: 8 Reasons Why You’re Not Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 140: 8 Reasons Why You're Not Healing From Narcissistic Abuse
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You seem to be doing everything that you need to do, but you are not healing. And for the life of you, you can’t figure out why. The thing is, you are really doing what it is you want to do, and not what you need. Take a listen.

In case you missed last week’s podcast, click here.

Episode 116: An Interview with Jennifer Ramirez -Part 2

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 116: An Interview with Jennifer Ramirez -Part 2
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Next in line to our own brokenness, the number one reason women go from one unhealthy relationship to the next is the fear of being alone. The unspoken rule becomes “I gotta have a man.” And when we follow this rule, and not give ourselves sufficient time to heal, we continue the unhealthy relationship patterns of behavior. Space, time, and stillness gives us clarity, discernment, and the ability to hear God’s voice. However, the craving for a new physical relationship often outweighs the cravings in our hearts for God. Listen to the second part of the interview between Jennifer Ramirez and I to hear more on this topic along with why women often fall victim to narcissistic relationships.

An Interview with Jennifer Ramirez Part 2 Podcast Outline Topics

  • The Unhealthy Relationship Cycle
  • Breaking Free
  • Knowing Your Worth
  • Dealing With Our Brokenness
  • Having a Come to Jesus Moment
  • The Loneliness Factor
  • The Perfect Ingredient for a Narcissist
  • Stepping out in Faith

Stay tuned for Part 3. Interview with Founder & Executive Director of &Rise Jennifer Ramirez

In the meantime, check out Jennifer Ramirez’s website so that you are familiar with all of the services that she has to offer.

Until next time,

Katina Horton

Episode 105: A Living Room Interview with LaTrae Wilson: Creating An Empowered New Chapter of Life After Breaking Unhealthy Relationship Patterns-Part 1

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 105: A Living Room Interview with LaTrae Wilson: Creating An Empowered New Chapter of Life After Breaking Unhealthy Relationship Patterns-Part 1
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Just hearing the word empowered gives you hope. Couple that with the words “new chapter of life”, and your mind starts thinking of all the possibilities. These possibilities can be your reality. However, there is work required on your part. Remember, the film director in the movie, My Life Story? You are the film director of your life. Your choices are the determining factors for the content of each scene.

Creating an empowered new chapter of life requires healing from past hurts. Healing from past hurts brings resilience and perspective. Creating an empowered new chapter of life requires perspective.

After listening to this interview with LaTrae Wilson and I, I guarantee you, you will feel a sense of hope rising in your soul. Latrae doesn’t sugarcoat it, but her style and method of delivering the message will challenge you embolden you in taking your first step forward. If you missed Chris Archuleta’s interview, you can catch up on that one here. Here is an outline of the topics that we discussed in this interview:

Interview with LaTrae Wilson Podcast Topics:

  • Generational Sin Cycles
  • Hiding Sin
  • Family Secrets
  • Low Self-Esteem
  • Low Self-Worth
  • The Pain of Healing
  • Unspoken Reasons for Why Women Go Back

Latrae Wilson’s Website

Instagram: destinedtwobeblessed

Facebook: Destined To Be Blessed @Mylast20BCEB

Book

My Last 20 Breaking the Curse to Embrace the Blessing you can find them on Amazon,Google Book, Barnes and Noble or Lulu.com 

Purchase Her New Book: My Last 20

Until Next time,

Katina