Community support is important

I cannot stress the importance of having a stable and ongoing support system by your side when it comes to co-parenting with an individual possessing the spirit of narcissism. There will be times as the old folks used to say when you want to “throw in the towel”, but for the sake of your need to move forward, along with the emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual well-being of your soul, and that of your children, you will need to be as consistent, persistent, and intentional about being engaged in community as possible.

When visitation schedules roll around, you will NEED community to give you an extra push, love, prayer, and a sense of belonging.  When my children were younger, I latched on to my bible study small groups.  They were my lifeline next to God himself.  Unfortunately, it was also during these bible study small groups when all kinds of drama would pop off, leaving me on edge and in a hypervigilant state, sometimes having to leave the study group early.

The alternative is isolating yourself. This will only feed the emotional roller coaster that you are already in due to experiencing narcissistic abuse.

And for some reason, the holiday time amplifies the demonic spirits of deception, manipulation, hoovering, gameplaying, and buffoonery in general.  It’s almost like their “spidey” senses are tingling, and they figure now is the time to create all kinds of chaos and confusion.  People who possess inner chaos and confusion need everything on the outside to match this level of dysfunction and dysregulation on the inside.

Thinking that you have it all under control, and can handle everything on your own is a false sense of pride and confidence, and it opens the door to Satan getting a foothold to your overall psychological well-being.

Reduce the stress

Going back-and-forth from one parental household to the other is very stressful for children.   Not only is it stressful, but it can be emotionally and physically draining.  If you and or your ex-narcissistic partner are in new relationships, this produces extra stress on the children because of having to witness their parents engaging romantically and otherwise with someone other than their biological parent. 

Children can also be stressed from being questioned too much about the activities that occur in the other parent’s household.  Unless there is something involving your child’s safety and or health, keeping questions to a minimum will help your child to transition from one household to the next, as well as not feel that they are betraying the other parent by revealing personal information.

Questioning your child about your ex-narcissistic partner’s new supply only hurts your growth and healing process in the long run.  It reinforces the trauma bond and soul ties that you’re already trying to break free from, as well as causes you to start up an addiction on social media, trying to find out everything about this new woman. It’s not worth it.

Coach yourself by asking yourself the following questions:

• What do I need by finding out information on my ex-narcissistic partner’s new supply?
• What do I want by finding out information on my ex-narcissistic partner’s new supply?
• What am I getting by finding out information on my ex-narcissistic partner’s new supply?
• How can I bridge the gap between what I want and what I need during this season?

Other things that can be expected is for the children to come back home from your narcissistic partner’s household and not want to talk at all.  This is often due to being parentified, used as a pawn, and both intentionally and unintentionally emotionally abused by the other parent. 

Pressing in for a quick conversation only leads to further withdrawal. After a while, they will open up and share what is on their hearts, as well as whether or not they had a decent time at the other parent’s home.

Boundaries are a must

Lack of boundaries when it comes to the visitation schedule leads to more stress on yourself and your children.  There are times when you are needing to deviate a little bit from your normal visitation schedule for special family events, doctors’ appointments, and or spiritual activities. 

Anything outside of these areas should be carefully decided. In a normal situation, this wouldn’t be an issue. However, with a narcissistic individual, any thing outside of the visitation schedule is taken as their norm, meaning your one time exception to the rule equals their new norm and your child entering The Twilight Zone.

Sometimes boundary enforcement consists of getting the police involved. My prayers are that you will never have to enter this arena. However, only you know what’s best for you and your children, and how far you need to go in order to keep your life, time, respect, and dignity, intact.

Until next time,

Katina