Toxic Relationships and A Medical Diagnosis-It seems easier to trust God with what it is he has told you to do when you know what the outcome is going to be. However, we know that if we only trust God when certainty is involved, that means that we don’t fully trust him. Our trust becomes conditional.
Listen 🎧 in to this candid conversation between Lauren Roskilly and I as we dissect Toxic Relationships, A Medical Diagnosis, Codependency, and Obedience.
In case you missed last week’s episode, grab it here.
Since when did God tell you that being in a toxic relationship was carrying your cross or performing ministry? Satan uses all kind of lies to warp our vision of love and keep us trapped in a vicious cycle of never-ending pain. We think we will get clarity on getting out of a toxic relationship without acknowledging the truth.
But even after acknowledging the truth, you have to act. You cannot just sit and wait on God. Acting on the truth and tackling your mindset will help you in making healthy relationship choices, walking in your identity and purpose, and stepping into your calling. You have been anointed to reach the nations. Listen in to Coach Eston Swaby and I as we tackle these issues and more.
As you are embarking on your healing journey, you will quickly become aware of certain things. One of the first things you will become aware of is your emotional threshold. Although you are away from your narcissistic ex, it may take a while before the emotional residue of that relationship manifests itself. Your brain only releases what it can when it can.
What do I mean by this?
Your brain will not allow you to feel the entire impact of the relationship that you were in all at once. This can be misleading at first. However, it is for your own safety and protection.
If we could feel all of the trauma that we have ever experienced all at once, it would be a nervous system disaster. So, you can look at gradual exposure to trauma as a gift rather than a nuisance.
What often happens is that you are tempted to transfer over some of the same toxic behavior patterns that you had with your ex to your children. One of these such patterns is toxic empathy. You are probably wondering how in the world can empathy becomes toxic. Empathy becomes toxic when you leave the space of understanding the feelings that a person is going through due to their trials, tribulations, and traumas, and you allow yourself to be completely engulfed by their situation.
When this happens, not only can you not support the individuals who are hurting, you can’t even support yourself because you are in overwhelming pain. Your children need you to understand their feelings without becoming overwhelmed by their experiences. Otherwise, they have no support system. And this is the tricky dynamic that has to be reckoned with when it comes to empathy.
Prayer, having them to talk it out, and more importantly, setting them up with their own therapist and or coach, will help them to deal with their own pain, allowing you the space to support them, and deal with your own.
As we are reminded in scripture, the blind cannot lead the blind.
Sometimes sympathy and empathy are often confused. Sympathy holds sorrow or pity for. Empathy holds feeling space for. And toxic empathy is on a whole ‘nother level. Toxic empathy consumes all emotional space for. When we remember the whole concept of boundaries, we also honor the fact that establishing our emotional space is part of it.
Surrendering to God what we are not supposed to carry helps us to release what we cannot control. It is human nature to try to control what we don’t understand.
When you remember these things, you practice self and other care. When you don’t, you sign up for burnout.
You are enough. You don’t have to adopt toxic empathy in order to prove it. Grab your keys and get your inheritance.
When it comes to healing from narcissistic abuse, it can be so tempting for women to think their number one priority after leaving the toxic relationship is pouring everything that they can into their children so that they will be OK.
In theory, it seems like the perfect thing to do. Give them everything that they have been missing and more.
However, in reality, the best thing that you can do as a mother is to follow the instructions of the stewardess on the airplane .
You must put your oxygen mask on first.
When a person has difficulty breathing , and is in emergency status, needing to get some serious help, they do not stop , and say, “let me give away the little oxygen that I have left instead of calling 911. This is a heroic deed.”
For those who have, what is often said about this person is, “he or she saved everybody else, but could not do what was necessary to save him or her self.”
There is no trophy given out. There is sadness and a realization that this person was so caught up being Superman or Superwoman, that they did not understand their own needs, and the need to put their needs before others was necessary for their own survival.
Although it may seem counterintuitive, we cannot pour from an empty cup.
After a while, your jars of clay will manifest cracks. And instead of taking heed to the warning, and patching up the cracks with taking care of yourself, you keep using your jar until it completely breaks.
As long as you are OK, healing , walking through the steps of reclaiming your power and identity, your children will be OK, and can walk into the steps of reclaiming their power and identity by using your actions as a template for theirs.
And instead of trying to somehow become their therapist, the best thing to do is to help them find a therapist of their own who can assist them in processing what was, what currently is, and what is to come.
Getting back to your true self, the one who’s identity is in Christ, is hard, but not impossible work. And it begins by displaying love to your children, through the love the Father has for you, and in turn, you are showing to yourself.
Pouring from an empty or half-full jar means that you risk single-parent and grief burnout. Honoring and loving self, with the love of God as your guide leads to honoring and loving your children.
Your brain needs to be retrained. All of this time society has taught you that the best way to take care of your partner and your children is to sacrifice yourself in the process.
Healing from narcissistic abuse is a journey, and that journey involves a process. And that process involves a fight. A fight to reclaim your power and identity to get to your true self. Not the old self.
Remember: the old self misunderstood the concepts of love and freedom. The old self sacrificed everything for the survival of others at your own expense. It didn’t love self enough to honor identity in Christ over every other identity. The old self didn’t understand that royalty status helps you to value yourself as having enoughness and worthiness in the kingdom of God.
You are saying goodbye to the old self and reclaiming your true self as a daughter of the king, Who lives and walks in royalty, understands self love and boundaries, and knows how to pour out God’s love onto others.
Prophetic Word 7 Truths About Being Infected With a One-Upping Spirit
We have all been guilty of one-upping. However, we often fail to realize the spiritual implications of doing such a thing. The seed of envy gives us an infection. When we dissect these implications, it will cause us to grieve the innocence of what we did not know, confess, repent, and move forward looking at other people as image bearers.
Listen in to last week’s message . If you missed the last podcast episode, click here.
What’s seems logical is not always what’s right. It seems logical to find someone or something to fill that empty void and brokenness inside of you. What ends up happening is that this void brought on by abuse and trauma attracts people who exploit these areas.
When you refuse to allow the Holy Spirit to guide you in your decision-making process, you get into all kinds of trouble, leading to staying in toxic relationships longer than you have to.
Listen 🎧 to this healing conversation that I had with Self-Care and Confidence Coach Ana Barajas.
Reach out to Self-Love & Confidence Coach Ana Barajas on Instagram here.
Interview with Coach Christine James on Toxic Relationships, Magical Thinking, Mindset, & Life Part 2
We often think that it is our Christian duty to stay in that toxic relationship, fix the other person in the relationship, and control the outcome of that toxic relationship. That’s not our job, but somehow we take on these burdens and more.
When we lose our voices, we put up with anything. People-pleasing comes into play, self-sabotaging our health, and the lack of boundaries comes in, and unfortunately, to our own detriment. And we can forget it if we add on self-pity. We indeed become toxic ourselves. Listen 🎧 in to part 2 of the interview with Christine James and I as we dissect toxic relationships, mindset, magical thinking, and avoidance.
One of the most important things that you can do when healing from Narcissistic Abuse is to give yourself permission to grieve.
When we think of grief, we are tempted to think of it as being linear.
Grief is more of an art form. I say an art form because no two people grieve alike.
We are allowed to take grief and transform it to whatever experience that we desire.
It can be sunsets, rainbows , and beach balls producing perspective and healing , and then other times like waterfalls, waves, and up-and-down rollercoasters .
Whatever experience that grief is taking you through, it is with the intention of producing a new self, a true self, one that enables you to heal from past hurts, and reclaim your power and identity.
The five stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Although these are the five stages, and this is also supposed to be the exact order, The first four stages can actually be mixed in altogether like one massive ball of rubber bands, and then also dealt with individually at the same time.
There is no one set of rules.
Grief can be released in several different forms as well. Dancing, walking, talking, exercising, and crying are all different ways to help grief to travel through and be released from its maze in your body.
The first temptation can be to stuff and suppress your emotions when the grief comes. However, as we talked about before, this only leads to alternative construction healing.
Ignoring things never make them go away.
The only way to get to the smooth pavement is to go under construction and fully heal. Going around the healing can take two to three times as long.
The second temptation is to compare your grief process with someone else’s. Comparison can often lead to self-judgment, self- condemnation, and self-blame.
When you embrace your art of grief, you embrace and surrender to your art of healing .
Remember: you are enough. You do not have to surrender to someone else’s idea of how your healing journey should be.
One of the most important things that you will have to do on your journey of healing from Narcissistic Abuse is mastering the art of giving yourself permission.
You need permission to heal, permission to feel, permission to reveal, and permission to not be okay .
Permission to heal means that you acknowledge that the only way to get from point A to point Z is to go under construction . Going around the healing has played out. And getting the five dollar fill-ups ️ has reached its max.
Permission to feel means that you are acknowledging the fact that suppressing and ignoring your feelings are no longer working out for you.
If anything, it has kept you on a merry-go-round of coping mechanisms and dysfunctional behavior.
Any time that we suppress and ignore, it leaves our emotional , mental, physical , and spiritual systems out of whack, and needing to release the emotions through some form or another, even if that form is unhealthy behavior.
A lot has happened. And just like it took several years for you to get to the state that you are in, it will take several years for you to get to your true self.
I don’t say old self because the old you has been using the operating system entitled, I’m not enough.
The new you reveals your true self, using the “His Way” operating system, and the “Daughter of the King “ software.
What are the features of the “His Way” operating system?
This operating system comes with a 100% money back guarantee.
When you purchase this new operating system, the “Daughter of the King ” software is included.
The perks to using this software are the following:
Your birthright inheritance
Keys to the kingdom
A free crown
And a lifetime access to the Kingdom of God
The only thing about this deal is that you must do your part, knowing that God will do his.
God has promised us a life of abundance. However, we must participate in the process.This is often the part that causes us to throw in the towel.
Just like getting groceries from the grocery store requires you to get in your car and drive for the end product, healing requires you to do your part to get to where God wants you to be.
Check out the next post on healing from Narcissistic Abuse where we will do an in-depth study of dealing with grief.
It is a very daunting task, yet, not impossible to reclaim your power and identity after childhood abuse, homelessness, and then narcissistic abuse. The temptation is to keep it all in, form a “prison camp”, as Kathryn calls it, and shut yourself out from the rest of the world .
Although it is tempting, following this path leads to more anxiety , depression, unworthiness, and in essence, an existential crisis. Listen in to Part 1 as Kathryn gives a word from the Lord In picking yourself up and starting over again.Be blessed !!!