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How do the problems manifest themselves in “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior” Phase Part 6

When you are in a toxic relationship, and living in the “Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior Phase”, every day is a television soap opera.  

No one needs to buy a streaming service.  Your drama is streaming for a live studio audience.

You and your partner in the toxic relationship are in the grocery store.  You run into one of his friends.  There is no introduction.

They start smiling at each other with a look that makes you feel uncomfortable.  Then, your partner says, “ I will catch up with you in the cereal aisle.”  

You head to the cereal aisle, looking back, as your partner is deeply engaged in conversation with his friend , giving him googly eyes.

Something feels very wrong.

Two days later, you are upstairs in your bedroom.  You realize that you are a little bit hungry and head downstairs to the refrigerator.

Upon entering that level, you overhear your partner talking to this same friend about your personal business, and in turn, she is obviously sharing hers.  

You are cringing and feeling totally exposed.  What are you going to do now?

You decide to pray, and wait and see.

Two days later, you decide to confront your partner about his inappropriate behavior, words, and actions in the grocery store and on the phone, which is enough evidence that something is going on.

You also tell your partner that you are feeling unloved, betrayed, and exposed.

His response?  

“ Well, when I first met you, I told you that I had a lot of female friends.  You never should’ve been eavesdropping on me.  Plus, you are being jealous and insecure like always.”

You start feeling bad. And then you start thinking that perhaps he is telling the truth. Maybe you over-responded to the apparently too-close-for comfort behavior.  

You apologize, letting him know that you will try to do better.  Although you are now feeling guilty for saying something, something still feels wrong and you can’t figure it out.  

You have now entered the world of “ Cognitive Dissonance”.  

Cognitive dissonance occurs when your belief, knowledge, and reality are misaligned.

Living like this keeps you in a state of being off-balance.

The whole episode of guilt tripping explained in this post is another form of gaslighting, a.k.a. emotional abuse.  

And this is just the beginning of the season.

Until next time,

Katina

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How do the problems manifest themselves in “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior” Phase Part 5

When you are in a toxic relationship and living in “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior Phase”, your life becomes a never-ending theater production.

You are playing a role that you never signed up for.

But you might as well had signed up for it, because every scene features you and the toxic person in your toxic relationship.

All the other characters involved become props for each scene, and scripts are written for each character to play.

Along with gaslighting, the toxic person will began the process of devaluing you.

So, while you’re looking for your enoughness and worthiness in him, he is looking for ways to downgrade you to an even lower status.

So many things are going on at this point.

You are desperately trying to get your needs met, and you notice your partner is treating you differently because somehow, he realizes you are a flawed individual.

And of course, he is too, as we all are.

He just haven’t looked in the mirror to find out. 

So, what do you do?

You say, “Baby, I notice you don’t treat me the same.”

He pretends like he doesn’t understand what you are talking about.

Then, you say, “How do I get you to love me like you did before? You don’t pay me any attention.”

That’s when the games begin.

And the name of the game is entitled “If you could just”.

Your toxic partner says, “Well, if you dressed more attractive, then I would have a reason to look at you.”

You go out and buy fifty dresses. But none of them are good enough.

You are still in the same boat.

Still hustling for self-worth.

Still trying to get back to the beginning when you were love-bombed.

You Go back to your partner again.

Then, you say, “How do I get you to love me like you did before? You don’t pay me any attention.”

Your toxic partner says, “Well, if you wore more attractive makeup, then I would have a reason to look at you.”

You go and spend $500 on three different makeup lines, and nothing changes.

You Go back to your partner again.

Then, you say, “How do I get you to love me like you did before? You don’t pay me any attention.”

Your toxic partner says, “Well, if you wore a more attractive hairstyle, then I would have a reason to look at you.”

After several more rounds of this “If you could just” game, you realize that the truth of the matter is, “You are never going back to the beginning.”

Never. Ever.

You missed that email.

Now, what are you going to do?

Only you can decide.

Stay tuned for the next post on guilt tripping.

Until next time,

Katina

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How do the problems manifest themselves in “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior” Phase Part 4

Unfortunately, “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior” phase is like a kid in a candy store for the toxic person in the toxic relationship cycle. For the toxic person, it is fun because they live and thrive off drama.

If there is no drama, they will create it. Undealt with Brokenness in a toxic person’s life causes chaos and confusion everywhere they go.

Whereas most people try to keep peace in their lives, for the toxic person, it is the opposite.

As soon as you mention their unhealthy patterns of behavior, they will pull out their dysfunctional coping mechanisms.

The first such behavior is gaslighting.

The word looks and sounds strange. And so does the effects of what the word entails.

Imagine having a strong gas smell in your house.

You mention to your partner, ” I smell gas.”

And then their response is “I don’t smell anything.”

The smell gets stronger and stronger.

And you scream out, ” I SMELL GAS!”

And then your spouse says, “Oh, that’s the cookies that are baking in the oven.”

After so many rounds of this, you are feeling nauseated from the fumes, and you start saying to yourself, “Those are the cookies in the oven.”

Then you hear an explosion.

Gaslighting is how it sounds. When you are talking to someone about how their behavior is impacting you, they turn it around on you, making you look and feel crazy, physically and spiritually nauseated and confused.

Your spouse, or whoever it is that is doing the gaslighting says things like:

“You’re over-reacting.”

“You’re so sensitive.”

“You’re so dramatic.”

“You are so insecure and jealous.”

After hearing this so much, you believe it, and they manufacture in you the emotional drama that they were hoping for.

Once the gaslighting starts, it alters who you are as a person. You began to walk around in a state of cognitive dissonance, knowing the truth, but in a spiritual state of denial.

Why?

Acknowledging what is going on means doing something about it. You are not ready for that. Your brokenness of unworthiness is depending on you getting your self-worth from them at all cost.

However, they cannot give what they don’t have. They are individuals filled with insecurities and unworthiness themselves. And their whole life, they have thrived off exploiting other people in the very area that they struggle with as well.

What appears to you as confidence exuding from them, is a very insecure, unworthy individual who has no sense of self. This “confident look” is what they have when they have been filled with “supply” rather than the Holy Spirit.

What happens to you when you are in this state for so long?

You get seriously sick.

You can’t inhale fumes and not be affected. Gaslighting emits fumes and so much more than you expected. In my next post, we will discuss what happens when your partner starts playing games with you.

Until next time,

Katina Horton