Personality Issues-It’s Just The Way I Am

Our personality is part of what makes us who we are.  

When someone mentions different things to us that involve our personality, we often say, “Well, that’s just the way I am.  My mother was like that.”  

And that is true in a sense. That is the way you are. And your mother may have been the one who had a huge impact on why your personality is the way it is. However, that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t want to work on aspects of our personality that are impeding our growth, next-level assignments, and relationships with ourselves and others in general.

What did Paul say about our right to do things?

“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything.

1 Corinthians 6:12

There are both strengths and weaknesses to any personality.

We have four learned stress responses: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.

Let’s take the first personality type of the Enneagram for example:

Type 1:  The Perfectionist 

With this personality type, the fight response looks like expecting perfectionism out of other people when you are under extreme stress or trauma.  And yes, the stress or traumatic event is what caused it.  

Subjectively, a person on the outside looking in may say, “Empathize”.

And yes, empathizing is what we are supposed to do.  Now, look at the situation objectively.

Can you imagine being expected to be perfect when you are in pain as well?

This is where and why partnering up and powering with the Holy Spirit is necessary.  Expecting perfection out of an imperfect human being, particularly during the time of crisis places the individual on the outside in a precarious situation.  Do they interact with the perfectionist, or do they distance themselves until the extreme stress and or traumatic event has passed?

What the perfectionist doesn’t understand at the time is that this fight response of theirs has taken the place of self-care and self-assessment of emotions, needs, etc.

This is not for the purposes of condemnation, but for empathy, knowledge, and understanding how the weaknesses of our personalities affect others so we can learn and grow.

For it is by grace(A) you have been saved,(B) through faith(C)—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works,(D) so that no one can boast.(E)

Ephesians 2:8-9, NIV

Until Next Time,


The Masquerade Party of Lying Prophets, False Intentions, Narcissism, & Disguises Part 2

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Masquerade Party of Lying Prophets, False Intentions, Narcissism, & Disguises Part 2

The Masquerade Party of Lying Prophets, False Intentions, Narcissism, & Disguises Part 2

Although we all wear masks at one time or another, some of us find ourselves living among the never-ending masquerade party of narcissism. Walking in the spirit, as well as being armored up, enables the weapons formed against us not to prosper.

Grab your fancy dresses 👗and colorful masks, as we open door number three of “The Masquerade Party: Lying Prophets, False Intentions, & Disguises Part 2”. Be blessed!!!

I own the rights, license, and permission of performing artist, Timothy Horton GR8, to use Valley of Grace as Valley of Grace Ministries’ theme song.


Toxicity, Homelessness, Narcissistic Abuse, and A Story of Redemption

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Toxicity, Homelessness, Narcissistic Abuse, and A Story of Redemption

Toxicity, Homelessness, Narcissistic Abuse, and A Story of Redemption

How does God reach out to you in the midst of abuse, homelessness, and toxicity?  One day at a time.  

Travel 🧳back in time with me and Author & Speaker 🔈 Sunshine Griffin as she unfolds her story of redemption, and how leaving home at thirteen turned into God’s saving grace.

#story #healing #narcabuse #narcissisticabuse #narcissists #narcissism


How many times have you used the words, “If Only”? It feels good saying it. However, it doesn’t feel good revealing the “what” behind the “if”. Why? “If only” is part of the bargaining stage. It is only meant as a temporary place of magical thinking in order to resolve our pain and hurt.

What are some of the “if onlys” that you are saying:

If only I had paid attention to how my body was feeling.

If only I had thought about how over the top the attention was.

If only I wasn’t so quick to sin against my body.

If only I had partnered with the Holy Spirit in discerning this person‘s character.

If only I had checked into his previous relationships and familial background.

If only I hadn’t mistaken his contemptuous, condescending, behavior for self-confidence and assertiveness.

If only I saw the eagerness for this person to be an ally for what it was and not what I wanted it to be.

If only I had not got caught up in the value that this person was bringing to the table instead of the messages that my intuition and discernment was giving me.


You can’t rewrite history. “If Only, Would have, should have, could have”, means you think you can. This will only keep you in victim mode. Standing and waiting at the port for the “If Only, Would have, should have, could have” ship that sailed a long time ago, never to return.

We could stay here all day long. It’s not going to erase the fact that what happened happened. You can’t change it. However, you can move forward and allow God to help you to write your ending. It does not have to look anything like your beginning. The choice is yours.

So, what is the cure for getting out of the “if onlys”. Four words: I can’t change it. Saying these four words means that you have come to a resolve and are ready to move on to releasing blame, guilt, unforgiveness, condemnation, judgment, etc. God is waiting for you to partner with the Holy Spirit in power to move from the “If Only” to the moving forward in life stage.

Until next time,


Abandonment, Trauma, Toxic Relationships, Healing, and a Story of Redemption

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Abandonment, Trauma, Toxic Relationships, Healing, and a Story of Redemption

Trials, trauma, abandonment, and hardship are all markers for an orphan spirit. With the help of the Lord, and reclamation of our identity in Christ, God can restore all the years the locusts have eaten.

Just like David restored Mephibosheth’s inheritance and identity in his family’s lineage, God restored Shebra’s inheritance and identity in him, opening her eyes to his promises, and seating her with him in heavenly places. Listen in to this candid interview between Shebra Williams and I as she takes you on a journey of grace, hope, forgiveness, and redemption. Be blessed!

I own the rights, license, and permission of performing artist, Timothy Horton GR8, to use Valley of Grace as Valley of Grace Ministries’ theme song.


How to Reach Shebra Williams:


Tiktok: @queenshebrarhianna

Who Dropped the Bomb? The Many Faces of Love-Bombing

A lot of people look at love bombing as just over-the-top affection. This would be a quick glanced assessment. When we dive deeper beneath the surface, and peel away the layers, we are staring at abuse.

Plain and simple.

Love bombing is more of the grooming and priming stage of abuse. Just like using primer so the paint will take on your dark-colored wall, love bombing assures that the devaluation stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle will look good on you. But this is not a laughing matter. Nothing about abuse is funny.

Here is a list of things to look out for so that you don’t find yourself caught up in its web.

  1. Checking with you all times of the day. Good morning. Good afternoon. Good evening. How was your morning? How was your evening? How was your afternoon? This is done repeatedly so that when he pulls the rug from underneath you, and stops doing it, you will be like a drug addict needing your fix. Remember-you already have issues with love and approval addictions, which is part of the reason you got caught up with this individual in the first place.
  2. Playing Mr. NICE GUY with your family by lending out his car so as soon as the abuse starts, people start thinking, “This couldn’t be the same guy who’s hurting you.”
  3. Making his church and family seem perfect and sin-free compared to yours.
  4. Gossiping, judging, and criticizing your church, pastor, family, coworkers, and friends.
  5. Appearance of self-confidence that’s really hiding arrogance, condescending, contemptuous, behavior.
  6. Volunteering to help you with typing and taking notes for your graduate and undergraduate degree program.
  7. Volunteering in children’s ministry, men’s ministry, singing in the choir, and preaching at Christian retreats.
  8. Buying your kids clothes and shoes.
  9. Rubbing all over your belly and making you feel embarrassed in public once you’re pregnant with his baby.
  10. Purchasing expensive homes. multiple expensive vehicles, and then having you to get rid of your homes, inherited property and vehicles, and place everything in his name.

Until next time,


I’m Leaving You- The Discard Phase

I’m Leaving You- The Discard Phase

No one wants to hear these three words. Just because you know that the discard phase is inevitable does not mean that you want someone to say this to you. Not only do these words invoke fear, they bring trauma, abandonment, and rejection along with it. So that you are not caught off guard, I am giving you a list of things to look out for in case you are in the storm of a soul-tied toxic relationship with a narcissistic partner.

Number 1:  You disrespect and dishonor yourself to the point of not knowing who you are anymore.  Even though he’s leaving you, he is still trying to convince you to sign up for a Biblical concubine situation.

Number 2:  Everyday your friends keep reminding you about the crazy situation you are living in.

Number 3:  You find evidence that he’s bought another computer(woman).  This one has a 500-watt power supply. 

Number 4:  He’s doing anything and everything to get you to put him out (reverse discard) so he can avoid responsibility for leaving you and tell everybody that you put him out.  If he’s been acting a fool and flaunting his new sidechick, they are NOT going to believe him.

Number 5:  You are reminded of the insecurities you disclosed to him in the beginning. 

Number 6:  He pulls his mask down, telling you different things about himself that he has never told you before.  They all lead up to him being a narcissist.

Number 7:  He keeps stringing you and the kids along about his final leaving date.

Number 8:  He brings all kind of evidence in the house showing that he has new supply, hoping that it will break you down and cause you to put him out.

Number 9:  His final farewell is a fake suicide stunt to regain control as he sees that his grip on you is slipping.

Number 10:  He calls up some of his family members, letting them know that he’s about to sabotage his living situation, and if it’s decent family members, they are encouraging him not to do it.  If not, they will join in and help him destroy you.

Number 11:  His new supply calls and leaves sensual messages on his voicemail, knowing that you are going to hear the messages.

Number 12:  You find evidence that he is love bombing the new supply in both the same and different ways that he love bombed you:  receipts from hotels, dinners, poems, songs, doing her advanced degree homework, blankets in the car, taking movies from your home to watch with her and her children, etc.

Number 13:  He tells you that he loves you, but is not in love with you, and still wants to be friends.  Basically, he wants you to sign up to be backup supply a.k.a. a hoover maneuver.

Number 14:  You start seeing instances of spiders, black capes, and all other kinds of spiritual warfare. 

Remember, you are not fighting against flesh and blood. Like in the devaluation phase, the discard phase involves both a lot of drama and trauma.  If you decide to stay until the end, you will need your church community, small groups, and inner circle to walk with you and your kids every step of the way. 

And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light.

2 Corinthians 11:14

Until next time,


Dr. Elizabeth & Dr. Latonya Rainwater-The Black Woman Experience, Power of Choice, Online Dating, Toxic Relationships and Education

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Dr. Elizabeth & Dr. Latonya Rainwater-The Black Woman Experience, Power of Choice, Online Dating, Toxic Relationships and Education

Our wiring and upbringing is a combination of nature versus nurture. And because the world is comprised of imperfect people, our families’ love story gardens were imperfect, creating imperfect homes and childhoods. Even with all this vulnerability and brokenness going on, we still have a choice. Join me on a personal journey with Dr.’s Elizabeth and LaTonya Rainwater as we talk about the power of choice, online dating, toxic relationships, and education as it relates to The Black Woman Experience. You’re in for a treat.


Dr. Elizabeth Rainwater and Dr. Latonya Rainwater are two Atlanta-based entrepreneurs, preachers, and educators. They have a background in psychology and spent years mentoring students in graduate school.


Their passion for education is a big part of their journey, which turned into teaching ESL to students in China online for an education center in Florida. It was not intuition, but it was a tug on the heart, which led both educators and doctors to design their own educational and inspirational products as ELRSHOP. The name ELRSHOP stems from the first initial of Dr. Elizabeth and Dr. Latonya’s name giving their online shop a special and unique meaning.

In the ELRSHOP, you can find coloring books, crossword puzzles, math, and grammar workbooks, and more. Age is no factor and there is something for everyone. All proceeds earned from each sale help support their ministry and mission work worldwide.

Any way that they can educate and spread the gospel to people is a step in the right direction and helps them fulfill their purpose in life.

Music played is the theme song for the Valley of Grace Podcast. Katina Horton-Valley of Grace Ministries have been licensed and given permission to use Valley of Grace by performing artist Timothy Horton GR8.

How to Reach Dr. Elizabeth and Dr. Latonya Rainwater

#bible #story #healing #healingjourney #narcabuse #storytelling #youareenough #blackwomen #blackeducators #elrshop #educators #clergy

Healing From Narcissistic Abuse-The Art of Receiving Advice

Healing From Narcissistic Abuse-The Art of Receiving Advice

Healing from narcissistic abuse is a lot of work. The thing to remember is to always keep the end goal in mind. And what is the end goal? Returning back to your true authentic self. The one that God created. During this time, you will receive advice from many different people. And God also encourages us to take advice.

Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.

Proverbs 11:14

However, as with anything, we have to use wisdom, discernment, and our intuition as to whether or not this advice is well-meaning advice or toxic advice that is a mask for control.

There are four different types of advice I would like to discuss with you.

The first kind of advice is projected advice. When we project something, it means that we are taking our own experiences and assigning it to someone else. Projected advice means that the person is giving you advice based upon all of the factors that fit their situation. This kind of device may or may not help you.


The factors involved can be major deal breakers. Some people who give you projected advice have not been in the situation that you have been in before, meaning they have privilege. And although they are well-meaning, they can actually do more harm than good. When we have privilege, we tend to look at other people’s situation through a privileged lens.

Projected advice gets sticky in areas of finances, court issues, and PTSD/trauma.

The second kind of advice that we often receive is double-minded advice. What is double minded advice? It is based on the Bible verse in James 1:18.

“He is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”

James 1:18

Double-minded advice comes from individuals who have one standard for themselves, and another standard for you. This person often talks on both sides of their mouth so to speak. One minute they are saying one thing. Then a few minutes later they are totally contradicting what they just said. Which version do you believe?

Good question.

Double-minded advice is evidence that the person giving the advice is unstable, or living incongruent to their values and beliefs.

The third kind of advice is purpose-destroying advice. This kind of advice is often given by individuals who exhibit signs of toxic jealousy, envy, and competition when it comes to your calling. They refuse to own their story, but want partial ownership of yours. They want the highlight reels.

Remember, the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Therefore, purpose-destroying advice exists to destroy every aspect of your calling including its power, SOUL, and identity.

The fourth kind of advice that I want to talk about is the “ I heard a word from the Lord” advice. Sometimes this kind of advice is very good. Other times, it involves a combination of the other three kinds of advice that I just discussed plus the gaslighting spirit.

The most important thing that we can do is to test the spirits of people who come to us with a word from the Lord. And we also have to remember that if God has that particular message for us, he will confirm it through us and not just give it to somebody else.

Remember: You are enough. Rebuild your family’s toxic love story garden. Reclaim your power, SOUL, and identity today. Grab your keys to the kingdom and get your inheritance.

Episode 154: Dr. Marni Hill Foderaro on Narcissists, Parental Alienation, & Moving Forward From Toxicity & Flying Monkeys

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 154: Dr. Marni Hill Foderaro on Narcissists, Parental Alienation, & Moving Forward From Toxicity & Flying Monkeys

A lot of times we find ourselves in toxic relationships trying to figure out what happened. The signs were there all along. You tried to create a lasting relationship between two people with different values, belief systems, and operating systems, hoping the superficial things on your list would be enough. The only thing that did seem to last is the trauma bond and soul tie that the toxic relationship left you with.

One of the main reasons women do not want to heal is because they fear the pain of healing. Making the decision to heal involves pain, and staying right where you are on the hamster wheel of soul-tied toxic relationships with narcissists involve pain. There is no getting around it. The reward is on the other side of the pain. And after getting to the other side, you must set up boundaries so that potential partners can enhance, not restrict their knowledge of you.

How do I Reach Dr. Marni Hill Foderaro to buy her books?

Catch her here: God Came to My Garage Sale

#propheticword #toxicrelationships #narcissist