Criticism is one thing that must be monitored and kept in check at all times. When we think of criticism, we often think of it in the negative. But not all criticism is bad.
For example, when I participated in a writing community, every month, we would bring our work and have it critiqued by the other fellow writing group members. This critique helped us improve our writing styles and voices, and also grow in our necessary and weaker areas.
Even with all this being said, it is still important to remember that there is a proper and improper way to critique someone. Jesus used the sandwich method. Meaning, he encouraged and focused on the strength first, then he tackled the weak areas, and then he strengthened some more at the end.
There are so many examples of this. The first example I want to place in your mind is when he spoke to the church of Ephesus.
2 “Write to the angel[a] of the church in Ephesus: Thus says the one who holds the seven stars in his right hand and who walks among the seven golden lampstands: 2 I know your works, your labor, and your endurance, and that you cannot tolerate evil people. You have tested those who call themselves apostles and are not, and you have found them to be liars. 3 I know that you have persevered and endured hardships for the sake of my name, and you have not grown weary. 4 But I have this against you: You have abandoned the love you had at first. 5 Remember then how far you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. Otherwise, I will come to you[b] and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent. 6 Yet you do have this: You hate the practices of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate.
7 “Let anyone who has ears to hear listen to what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who conquers, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in[c] the paradise of God.
The second example is when he spoke to the woman at the well who already had five husbands and the current guy that she was living with was not her husband. He didn’t immediately rail on her, tear her down as a woman, and call her all kinds of inappropriate and slang street names. He spoke to her as if she was his daughter and he was her therapist. And so, basically, they had a therapy session right there at the well:
9 “How is it that you, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a Samaritan woman?” she asked him. For Jews do not associate with[d] Samaritans.[e]
10 Jesus answered, “If you knew the gift of God, and who is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would ask him, and he would give you living water.”
11 “Sir,” said the woman, “you don’t even have a bucket, and the well is deep. So where do you get this ‘living water’? 12 You aren’t greater than our father Jacob, are you? He gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did his sons and livestock.”
13 Jesus said, “Everyone who drinks from this water will get thirsty again. 14 But whoever drinks from the water that I will give him will never get thirsty again. In fact, the water I will give him will become a well[f] of water springing up in him for eternal life.”
15 “Sir,” the woman said to him, “give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and come here to draw water.”
16 “Go call your husband,” he told her, “and come back here.”
17 “I don’t have a husband,” she answered.
“You have correctly said, ‘I don’t have a husband,’” Jesus said. 18 “For you’ve had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have said is true.”
19 “Sir,” the woman replied, “I see that you are a prophet. 20 Our ancestors worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews say that the place to worship is in Jerusalem.”
21 Jesus told her, “Believe me, woman, an hour is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem.
John 4: 9-21, CSB
The first reason why you criticize is to lift your self-esteem. And I know that this may be harsh to hear, but it is very true. People who judge, criticize, and condemn other people for their behavior are often emotionally immature, narcissistic, and or possessing an immeasurable amount of insecurity from childhood due to unresolved trauma, invoking the spirits of jealousy and envy, and thus, the way that they make up for that insecurity is by tearing other people down to lift themselves up.
The sad thing about this situation is that nine times out of 10, the people who are witnessing this type of behavior are very aware of this individual’s character and dysfunctional patterns of behavior. And thus, their response and everyone else’s who doesn’t want to deal with this person is usually, “Don’t say anything. You know how he or she is. “
But over 50% of this individual’s problem exists because no one ever said anything to this person about their behavior at any given point and time in their entire life.
Once the behavior is brought to the forefront, and the person insists on continuing in the buffoonery, then that’s when it becomes necessary to set a boundary to remove yourself from the situation rather than become a target of abuse.
The second reason why people criticize others is because they don’t like something that the person is doing. Thus, they believe that criticizing other people about this behavior is the way to get them to do things the way that they want them to do them.
This gives them a false sense of comfort, safety, and security, boosts their self-esteem, and or makes them feel good about being around them, and not having to tolerate all of the corky things that this individual does.
But there are several things that are wrong with this picture. One being the fact that God created each of his children differently, with unique desires, wiring, and makeup. Part of being human is developing resilience and endurance for tolerating differences, even when we don’t agree with them.
A third reason why people tend to criticize others is because of the fact that they have a spirit of perfectionism running through them. Perfectionism is a fear-based trauma response/coping mechanism that comes out during times of trauma, stress, anxiety, etc.
The shadow side of perfectionism involves judgmentalism, criticism, and condemnation. When you are self-aware of your perfectionistic tendencies, you can be proactive in knowing when you are crossing over to the shallow side.
The shadow side has shown up because more than likely, one of three reasons: 1) you are feeling insecure about something that someone has, whether it be a material possession or personal attribute, talent, gift, etc., 2) you are dealing with an extreme amount of stress and your brain has turned to its default coping mechanism to prevent you from dealing with the extreme pain that is unable to be processed at the moment, causing you to go into the fight trauma response of perfectionism, and or 3) you have unmet needs that you haven’t tapped into, and your behavior is coming out sideways with anger.
Self criticism is another type of criticism that involves the inner critic and ego, who are interested in gaining attention because of unresolved childhood trauma.
The best thing that you can do when the perfectionistic judgmental/critical/condemning, toxic cocktail from trauma shows up due to the inability of your brain, soul, and spirit to process painful feelings, is to give yourself a hug, tons of love, empathy, grace, compassion, and understanding. This is not a license to excuse the behavior. It is being a friend to yourself and giving yourself the love, truth, freedom and space that it needs to understand the source of the problem, course correct, and then process the pain when it’s necessary.
When you understand the source of your fruit/behavior when it comes to criticism, you can be more readily able to tackle and stop the cycle before it gets out of hand and turns into one that is neither God-honoring or edifying.
Until next time,
Katina
