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Healing After Narcissistic Abuse: Give Yourself Permission

One of the most important things that you will have to do on your journey of healing from Narcissistic Abuse is mastering the art of giving yourself permission.

You need permission to heal, permission to feel, permission to reveal, and permission to not be okay ✅.

Permission to heal means that you acknowledge that the only way to get from point A to point Z is to go under construction 🚧. Going around 🚘 the healing has played out. And getting the five dollar fill-ups ⛽️ has reached its max.

Permission to feel means that you are acknowledging the fact that suppressing and ignoring your feelings are no longer working out for you.

If anything, it has kept you on a merry-go-round of coping mechanisms and dysfunctional behavior.

Any time that we suppress and ignore, it leaves our emotional 😭 , mental, physical 🏃🏿‍♀️, and spiritual 🙏🏿 systems out of whack, and needing to release the emotions through some form or another, even if that form is unhealthy 🤒 behavior.

A lot has happened. And just like it took several years for you to get to the state that you are in, it will take several years for you to get to your true self.

I don’t say old self because the old you has been using the operating system entitled, I’m not enough.

The new you reveals your true self, using the “His Way” operating system, and the “Daughter of the King 👑 “ software.

What are the features of the “His Way” operating system?

  • Healing ❤️‍🩹
  • Identity
  • Self-worth
  • With
  • Affirmations &
  • Yielding

This operating system comes with a 100% money back guarantee.

When you purchase this new operating system, the “Daughter of the King 👑” software is included.

The perks to using this software are the following:

  • Your birthright inheritance
  • Keys 🔑 to the kingdom
  • A free crown 👸
  • And a lifetime access to the Kingdom of God

The only thing about this deal is that you must do your part, knowing that God will do his.

God has promised us a life of abundance. However, we must participate in the process.This is often the part that causes us to throw in the towel.

Just like getting groceries from the grocery store requires you to get in your car and drive for the end product, healing requires you to do your part to get to where God wants you to be.

Check out the next post on healing from Narcissistic Abuse where we will do an in-depth study of dealing with grief.

Until next time,

Katina

Episode 147: Kathryn May Talks Identity After Childhood & Narcissistic Abuse Part 2

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 147: Kathryn May Talks Identity After Childhood & Narcissistic Abuse Part 2
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It is a very daunting task, yet, not impossible to reclaim your power and identity after childhood abuse, homelessness, and then narcissistic abuse. The temptation is to keep it all in, form a “prison camp”, as Kathryn calls it, and shut yourself out from the rest of the world 🌎.

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is kathrynmay-1024x1024.jpg

Although it is tempting, following this path leads to more anxiety 😦, depression, unworthiness, and in essence, an existential crisis. Listen 👂in to Part 1 as Kathryn gives a word from the Lord In picking yourself up and starting over again.Be blessed 😇!!!

Until next time,

Katina

It’s All About Trust

One☝️question🙋🏿‍♀️that a person may ask is, “ how do I define trust? “

Trust cannot be defined until we understand the concept of faith.

Why?

Both concepts involve the use of evidence.

Because we have seen evidence of God’s love, integrity, character, and history of being there for his people over and over again, we know that we can trust him to do what’s best for us, even when we don’t agree ☝️ with his version of our best.

We have faith 🙏🏿 in who God is.

The Bible says that faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen 🙈.

Trust is the by- product of having evidence through a person’s words and behaviors manifesting congruency that we can live a life of vulnerability and transparency with him/her.

Relationships with other people work the same way as they do with God.

Unlike 👎 God, people are imperfect. And so are we. They will disappoint us and we will disappoint them.

However, an assessment of the overall consistency of congruency in their words, character and behavior alignment, or the lack thereof, will help us to determine whether we can trust them or not.

For example, in healthy relationships, trust can be Reestablished after making bad choices because of Two people putting forth visible, Intentional, effort over a period of time ⏰.

However, when it comes to a toxic ☠️ relationship, trust can never be established until the person who is toxic goes under a major heart and life change.

So, in essence, toxic ☠️ relationships last because of a foundation of image or falseness, i. e. , false love, false trust, false hope, and false peace.

False love means Love ❤️ is equated to abuse.

False trust means Trust is equated to false evidence.

False hope means Hope is equated to false promises and heart ❤️ sickness 🤕.

False peace ✌🏿 means peace ✌🏿 is equated to the absence of conflict.

In order for any relationship to last, trust has to be at the very core of its foundation.

And in order for us to be able to stand against any situation that we face in life in general, Christ has to be our solid foundation.

As the old hymn 🎵 goes, “ On Christ the solid rock 🪨 I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.”

Stay tuned for our next post where we dive into more of an in-depth study on healing from narcissistic abuse.

Until next time,

Katina

Episode 146: 7 Signs You’re Infected With a Spirit of Unworthiness

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 146: 7 Signs You're Infected With a Spirit of Unworthiness
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When you have a physical infection, you can go about treating it in various ways: Taking Garlic, antibiotics, hydrogen peroxide. Basically, any or all of the above.

But, when you think about it, the same thing is true when the infection is emotional, mental, spiritual, or otherwise. How we treat the infection will determine how we move forward. Dive into this podcast with me as we learn the 7 Signs You’re Infected With a Spirit of Unworthiness, and how to get rid of it, in lieu of sweeping it under the rug.

Be blessed!

Katina

Normalcy in a Healthy Relationship vs. A Toxic Relationship Part 1

We have already discussed 🗣 the fact that whether you are in a healthy or toxic ☠️ relationship, it is normal And a part of God’s plan for us to crave relationship.

We also talked 🗣 about the fact that it is normal for people both in healthy and toxic relationships to have what they call symbiosis initially, basically meaning that all of your individual preferences, likes, and dislikes, are ignored for the sake of the other person initially.

I like to think of the perfect example of symbiosis as the “whatever you like” concept and quote from Coming to America.

Symbiosis usually transfers over to differentiation, Where the individuals are showing their true selves, likes, dislikes, and uniqueness in healthy relationships.

Differentiation does not occur in toxic relationships.

Why?

It does not occur because One partner in a toxic relationship wants the entire relationship to focus on their needs, desires, career, and otherwise.

False Peace

This causes the other partner to take a back seat to what they want and or need for the sake of keeping the other person happy as well as keeping the peace.

Individuals in a toxic relationship have learned to adopt a dysfunctional coping mechanism of what we call a “false sense of peace”.

This false sense of peace ✌🏿 stems from the unspoken understanding That as long as they do not say anything about their partner’s behavior and or issues in the toxic ☠️ relationship, things will be OK.

Unfortunately, what they do not realize Is that this is the same thing as sweeping things under a rug until there is a big bump in the middle, and the pile is not only as tall as they are, but it is making them physically sick.

They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious. ‘Peace, peace,’ they say, when there is no peace.

Jeremiah 6:14

They have learned to ignore, overlook, and or “wish away” nearly all of the problems that are going on in the toxic relationship.

This leads to magical 🧙‍♀️ thinking as well as the individual operating from the spirit of avoidance rather than dealing with conflict in the healthy, flourishing, thriving, way that occurs in a healthy relationship.

When we see healthy couples thriving and dealing with conflict, it’s not because they don’t ever have problems. We are judging their outside movie reel, so to speak.

What we don’t see behind closed doors 🚪 is the effort, time, and intentionality that they put into keeping their relationship up to par.

These individuals attend therapy, coaching sessions, deal with conflict resolution among themselves, consult their pastors, and or healthy couple friends, and support groups.

They are not doing it alone.

In toxic relationships, the toxic individual does not see that they have a problem, will not seek help, and do not want anyone in their business for fear that the truth would be leaked out.

False Hope

The other thing that becomes a coping mechanism/dysfunctional pattern of behavior for the individual in the toxic relationship Is the fact that they adopt a “false sense of hope”.

The false sense of hope stems from the fact that their partner with toxic issues has been promising a change of behavior, attitude, And or both.

The only behavior that the individual has seen has been abuse. This abuse has been unconsciously equated to love.

And thus, their partner is left wishing, hoping, and waiting for this “change” to take place. They are hoping and waiting with no evidence at all.

And unfortunately, this leads to their partner becoming “heartsick” at best.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Proverbs 13:12

Tune in for my next post on dissecting trust in a healthy and unhealthy relationship.

Until next time,

Katina

Episode 145: 10 Signs You’re Dealing With Toxic People in Your Calling

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 145: 10 Signs You're Dealing With Toxic People in Your Calling
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10 Signs You’re Dealing With Toxic People in Your Calling

Prophetic Word!!!! Have you ever been to the plain of Ono? If you haven’t, you don’t want to go. When someone asks you to meet them there, you should be screaming “Oh No!”

The Plain of Ono

Ono is a place where the spirits of distraction, manipulation, deception, jealousy, and toxic 💀people hang out. If you are ever invited to go there, and you don’t resist, you will literally be fighting for your life and God’s calling on your life, for that matter.

Be blessed as you listen in to the message.

Episode 144: Kathryn May Talks Identity After Childhood & Narcissistic Abuse

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 144: Kathryn May Talks Identity After Childhood & Narcissistic Abuse
/

It is a very daunting task, yet, not impossible to reclaim your power and identity after childhood abuse, homelessness, and then narcissistic abuse. The temptation is to keep it all in, form a “prison camp”, as Kathryn calls it, and shut yourself out from the rest of the world 🌎.

Although it is tempting, following this path leads to more anxiety 😦, depression, unworthiness, and in essence, an existential crisis. Listen 👂in to Part 1 as Kathryn gives a word from the Lord In picking yourself up and starting over again.Be blessed 😇!!!

Until next time,

Katina

Episode 143: Lead Pastor Scott Distler: Toxic Relationships and Gaslighting in Ministry

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 143: Lead Pastor Scott Distler: Toxic Relationships and Gaslighting in Ministry
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It’s one thing to be a pastor. It’s a whole ‘nother level when you are faced with a Nehemiah situation of toxicity, gaslighting, and jealousy in the church. A lot of times, we think that the situation happened to us out of the blue. However, as the old saying goes, hindsight is 20/20.

We saw signs leading up to this big blowup coming all along. We just didn’t really didn’t stop to think about it, or see if any course of action could have been taken in order to prevent it.

And sometimes, there really isn’t anything we could have done.

Why?

We cannot control other people. It’s just that simple. It’s impossible to love and control a person at the same time. Love is not love without there being complete freedom involved.

Rest assured:  there is hope, love, light, and freedom that’s waiting for you on the other side of the cave.

How to reach Pastor Scott Dristler:

Email: scottd@miefree.org

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/skdistler

Church Website: www.miefree.org

Book Website: http://covenantbooks.com/books/?book=the-cave 

Healing From Narcissistic Abuse Part 1

You have finally gotten out of the toxic relationship you were in.

And you’re probably thinking now you can throw a party, and everything will go back to the way it was before you entered it.

Just like you had magical thinking when you were in the toxic relationship, thinking that you will walk out from under A toxic relationship with a narcissist or any other toxic person unscathed Is like walking outside in a thunderstorm Without an umbrella and thinking that you won’t get wet.

It’s delusional.

The most important thing that you can do after being discarded from a toxic relationship is to give yourself grace. You will need tons of it.  Not only from yourself, but from other people.

The biggest teacher for accepting grace from others is giving it to ourselves first.

The first thing that you will think is, “ Okay, This just happened. And it hurt. But now, All I need to do is to pick myself up by the bootstraps, put on my big girl pants, and move on.

Uh, Yes and no.

We don’t ever want to lie down in victim mode.  However, you have had a lot of things done to you, and that reality hasn’t settled in.

First of all, the damage that has been done to your emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical being is enormous.

It literally might take a few months before this manifests.  And even after that, the physical damage won’t manifest itself maybe until six months later, once the exhaustion sets in.

Although you have been going and going like the energizer bunny in the relationship, your body has taken on way more capacity than it should have been for years.

Our minds, bodies, and souls work together, with the mind handling 50% more than what our bodies can. However, for some reason, the effect on our bodies catch up after the effect on our brains.

The second most important thing that you must do is to go “ No Contact”.

If you have children with a narcissistic person, then you would follow the “low contact rule”.

What does “no contact” mean?

It literally means just the way it sounds. You have to eliminate all contact from the person you were in the toxic relationship with.

This includes texting, in person meetings, phone calls, emails, social media, third-party conversations, etc.  Basically, any and all means of communication with this person.

Low contact would mean that you are only interacting with this person for the bare minimal necessities.   This looks like: discussion of your children’s doctor appointments, emotional, mental, and physical health issues, visitation schedules, vacation schedules, and emergencies.

No and low contact are the first set of boundaries that you must learn, and then follow quickly.

This is the only thing that has proven most effective for women Recovering from narcissistic abuse and Abuse in general.

And it probably has to do with the fact that nine times out of 10, women who are in toxic relationships form a trauma bond with their toxic partner.

And in turn, this trauma bond causes a soul tie.

Any and all contact with the individual that you have the soul tie with is only going to re-enforce the trauma bond, which reinforces the soul tie.

So in essence, you are working against your self.

You need time to go through withdrawal. And that is a whole ‘Nother level.

When you are going through withdrawal, you are not alone.  You are enlisting the help of the Holy Spirit, and building emotional and spiritual resilience to handle the pain.

Remember: You are enough.  You do not have to reconnect with your abuser in order to Prove that you are. You are a daughter of the King.  And now, you are beginning to reclaim your power and identity by healing and moving forward.

Until next time,

Katina

Episode 142: From Stonewalling Prison to High Performance Coach

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 142: From Stonewalling Prison to High Performance Coach
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Have you ever lived with someone who didn’t speak 🗣to you for five years?

It definitely doesn’t sound like fun 🤩 and games.

And it isn’t.

It is spiritual warfare from the devil 👿 himself.

Unlike in a healthy relationship where “silent treatment” towards each other covers up the fact that you are angry 😡 , a toxic ☠️ relationship involves the toxic individual(s)“stonewalling.” 

Stonewalling 🪨 is just how it sounds.

The toxic person’s heart ❤️ has become a heart of stone.   And they have built up walls around them, ignoring you when you ask questions, and pretending like you do not exist.

How long does it last?

Simple – However long they want it to.

The purpose of stonewalling is to make you feel crazy, uncomfortable, alone, and most importantly, to have power 💪🏾 and control over you.

In other words, they have the upper hand 🤚 .

So, how do you get out of it? Listen 🎧 to the interview between Hazel Amin and I as she tells her story of how she went “From Stonewalling Prison to High Performance 🎭 Coach”.