Sometimes the hardest part about creating an empowered new chapter of life is trusting God with each and every step. And part of trusting God involves learning to hear God’s voice, and then discerning the direction that he has for your life. Community is so important as you embark on your journey of reclaiming your power and identity. However, we also need discernment in knowing what advice we should and should not take. What does trust look like for you? Listen to Part 2 of my conversation with Cherlyn Decker to find out her stance on these issues.
Podcast Topics Outline Episode 119: An lnterview with Bestselling Author & Speaker Cherlyn Decker Part 2
If I know the ending, then it will make going through the process of recovering from trials, unhealthy relationships, disappointments in life easier. This is the misconception that we often have. The bottom line is that it all comes down to trust. Listen to this episode between Bestselling Author & Speaker Cherlyn Decker and I to find out why this is the case, along with how self-awareness and discernment play a role in reclaiming the power and identity that you lost from being in an unhealthy relationship.
No matter what situation it is, the hardest part about taking on any task when it comes to self-growth and self development is dealing with you. It feels better to hold up the mirror to everybody else? It makes us feel like we are better somehow.
But guess what? Paying attention to what everybody else is doing is a blinder for minding your own business and digging deeper into our own pile of junk.
When you are playing the role of a codependent, you don’t have time to check in with yourself to see what’s really going on. Your focus is on saving the other person. As mentioned in the last post, codependents stay in the state they are in number one, because of fear, and then number two: insecurities.
“The common areas of insecurities and or brokenness are low self-esteem, low self-worth, poor body image, and not enoughness. Codependents cover up these areas by becoming the Savior of the day in their spouse’s, coworker’s, friend’s, or ministry partner’s life. So, even when you have the come to Jesus moment and stop doing things for the other person, if you don’t take the time to do the self-work, you will be right back to wearing your cape as Savior of the day, and playing Jesus.
Frustration is the catalyst for change. However, that is only if the desire and hard work required to be a better version of you outweighs the pain of staying in the comfort zone of where you are now. “
Creating an empowered new chapter of life involves healing from past hurts. And in turn, healing from past hurts helps us to gain resilience and perspective. In our next post, I will discuss the dangers of enmeshment.
Next in line to our own brokenness, the number one reason women go from one unhealthy relationship to the next is the fear of being alone. The unspoken rule becomes “I gotta have a man.” And when we follow this rule, and not give ourselves sufficient time to heal, we continue the unhealthy relationship patterns of behavior. Space, time, and stillness gives us clarity, discernment, and the ability to hear God’s voice. However, the craving for a new physical relationship often outweighs the cravings in our hearts for God. Listen to the second part of the interview between Jennifer Ramirez and I to hear more on this topic along with why women often fall victim to narcissistic relationships.
An Interview with Jennifer Ramirez Part 2 Podcast Outline Topics
The Unhealthy Relationship Cycle
Knowing Your Worth
Dealing With Our Brokenness
Having a Come to Jesus Moment
The Loneliness Factor
The Perfect Ingredient for a Narcissist
Stepping out in Faith
Stay tuned for Part 3. Interview with Founder & Executive Director of &Rise Jennifer Ramirez
In the meantime, check out Jennifer Ramirez’s website so that you are familiar with all of the services that she has to offer.
Have you ever said the following: “Why am I finding myself in the same situation? I need a new man, a new job, and a new house.”? If that sounds like you, then listen to this episode between Jennifer and I as we unpack some of the things that are holding us back. And the answer is not what you think.
For the first time in our nation’s history, Juneteenth has been adopted as a national holiday. We still have a long way to go. However, as we already know, creating an empowered new chapter of life means taking any kind of step forward, no matter how small they may be.
In order for us to move forward in our relationships, and in our country in general, certain things have to be there to set the stage. Can you imagine a film director having the video personnel to start recording a movie without the props in place? It would be a hot mess. In order to move forward in our relationships, we have to build them upon a foundation of truth. Today’s recording is meant to inspire, motivate, and challenge you to figure out where you will stand when the film director says, “Action!”
I like good surprises. Although to be honest, when good surprises come, sometimes they can be so shocking that it leads you to being an emotional wreck. In this case, good surprises can feel like bad surprises as I experienced a few years ago.
When you listen in to this week’s podcast episode, you will see how surprises come up in the beginning of a relationship. You also get to decide how you will respond when these relationship surprises come up. Or will you respond at all? Part of creating an empowered new chapter of life is using our power of choice. Be blessed!
As I stated in my previous post, there are certain things that are normal when you are first starting off in any relationship. Wanting to do everything that another person wants to do is normal when you are in love; and/or if it’s not a romantic relationship. You want to appear likeable and agreeable. Right?
What happens when the honeymoon phase of these relationships are over? What happens when both parties start to exert their likes/dislikes? And even more importantly, what happens when we ignore our own needs, and are so caught up in the needs of the other person? Yes, these are a lot of questions to ponder.
The truth of the matter is, if we do not work at keeping our own individual identity in tact, then we become involved with what psychologists call enmeshment, and/or codependency. The thing about it is that these two situations do not happen over night. It is kind of like the frog in boiling water. Our own childhood wounds and insecurities, along with that of the other person, play a huge part in whether or not these new identities develop.
We will dive deeper into these two areas in the next post. Would love to hear your feedback on how you shifted from the honeymoon phase of your different relationships in order to take the relationship to the next level.
As we talked about in my last post, it is normal to be apprehensive whenever you start any kind of relationship. You don’t know what’s going to happen when you open that door.
The other thing that is normal is for both parties to be overly concerned with putting on an impression for the other person. We want to be liked. And we want to appear to be agreeable. If one person says, “Let’s go to the movies. What do you want to see? Then, the other person may say, “Whatever you want to see.” Sometimes that is the case. We don’t care about what it is. We just care about having companionship, doing the social thing, having the work-partnership.
Most times, we are people pleasing, seeking to make that big impression, consumed with the other person liking us. No matter what kind of relationship it is, this plays out real fast. You get sick and tired of going along with everything someone else wants to do. The funny thing about this is that we are the ones who initiated it in the first place.
Now, we seek to come out of it. We want to make our voices known and heard. Be who we really are. Creating an empowered new chapter of life involves having emotional, mental, and physical boundaries.
And this is normal and healthy. But what happens next? Find out in my next post.
Blockage can be caused by a lot of things: injustice, homelessness, oppression, your move on a board game, something bad that you ate. The list could literally go on and on. But the question is… What if God is doing the blocking, and his way of blocking you is homelessness? This is no laughing matter.
When our fight or flight response kicks in, the natural thing to do is to fight when someone or something blocks us. But what if fighting being blocked does more harm than good when God is doing the blocking. What if what appears to be mean, unfair, and unjust is just what we need? What if God’s blockage is God’s protection.
Take a listen to this week’s episode to find out what happened when I was blocked by homelessness.
Until next time,
Transcript for the Hearing Impaired
Speaker 0 00:00:23 <inaudible> the valley
Speaker 1 00:01:04 This is the Valley Of grace podcast, helping women create and empowered new chapter of his life and how we’re doing that. We are breaking unhealthy relationship patterns. We’re building resilience and flourishing, and we are reclaiming our power and identity today’s episode is entitled, blocked by homelessness. Now, when you think of those two things together, when you think of them separately, think of homelessness, not having a home, no dwelling, and then thinking of blocked, the word blocked, being prevented from being able to do something.
So we’re being blocked by homelessness, prevented from being able to do something and homeless is how it was being used. That’s really deep when you think about it. So we’re going to go back to the year 2014. Uh, I was in a process of going through a divorce. The procedure was pretty much done and over with. And I had been looking for a place for 60 days.
Speaker 1 00:02:34 I mean, literally 60 days of looking, I had not found anything. I had money to pay the rent per month, but I did not have money, any extra money for the security deposit nor for the first month’s rent. So I kept thinking to myself, Lord, how am I going to be able to make it every month? What am I going to do?
And, my therapist gave me a list of places to go to. I went to those places and, um, well I went to one place, the very first place and that didn’t work out. Um, the place was very judgmental and critical. And so, I still have thoughts in my mind of trying to figure out what in the world I was going to do. And I remember leaving that place, being on the bus, the pace bus headed home, and my ex-mother-in-law called and said, I don’t want you and my grandbabies to be in a shelter.
Speaker 1 00:03:48 I don’t want you to stay in a hotel or to be out on the streets. So I’m going to let you borrow the money that you need. And I remember her telling me that gave me a feeling, this sense of calm and peace about it, but then being on the pace bus on the way home after that, and the holy spirit saying, well, if I want you to be homeless, that’s exactly what’s going to end up happening.
And so sometimes we think that just because someone else gives us what it is that we need to prevent us from being blocked means that we are no longer going to be blocked. However, when we are blocked, that is God’s hands at work, whatever door he opens, whatever door he closes is not in our control and it’s not in anyone else’s control. And the more we fight against it, the more we become unraveled with the situation, the more we’re like, I’m going to do it on my own, God since, you’re not going to let me do it.
Speaker 1 00:04:57 You’re not going to open the door. You’re not going to help me find a way another job, another home I’m going to do it on my own. And we end up being burnt out. We end up bitter disillusioned resentful, whether it’s, um, I guess God or whoever, but it’s not a good end result.
And so I had got to a point where I was just exhausted from looking and looking and looking and not finding anything. I had this glimmer of hope when she said that. But then after I heard the holy spirit is saying, if I want you to be homeless, this that’s what’s going to happen. But then a whole another set of thoughts start coming in my mind like, wow, I could actually end up being homeless on the day that I have to move out. I could actually end up being homeless, me and the kids.
Speaker 1 00:05:51 And what am I going to do? I decided I would go ahead and create this new empowered chapter of life of myself, move forward in the steps to reclaiming my power and identity, to break all of those unhealthy relationship patterns. I started that and my decision to go to therapy. That was the beginning of it. That was the one step I made to move forward.
And then it’s like, okay. So after all of this, this is what you give me, Lord is what I was thinking at the time. Just feeling very discouraged, discouraged because of that discouraged because of the dishonesty, um, with my ex-husband and court and just not knowing what I was going to do, we only have so much emotional and mental bandwidth and it’s just like, what in the world am I going to do? How am I going to make it?
Speaker 1 00:06:47 We were used to living a certain type of lifestyle, if that was what was going to happen, it was not going to be up to me. I was doing the very best I could and whatever God had planned was what he had planned.
And one thing about it was that, um, we ended up not finding a place before having to move from the marital residence. Okay. The short sale went through really quick and we had to be out of there. But a friend of mine already mentioned to me, if you guys don’t have anywhere to go, as you are pulling out from your place, just text me and let me know you’re on your way that you and the kids are on the way. And that really, really, really gave me hope and more of a sense of purpose.
Speaker 1 00:07:51 When you are facing loneliness, homelessness, and other factors involved, you’re just like, what am I going to do? So you start to have like an existential crisis and you just wandering, okay, “Am I still going to be, to carry on my purpose? That’s a lot of unknowns that come about and a lot of things as a result of poverty and homelessness.
And so her telling me that gave me hope. And, um, I didn’t know, but God knew that if I had moved the kids and I right away, we would have suffered even more trauma. I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted from packing at the last minute and getting things already.
So, sense we had to leave out of there on that Friday, I would not have had the capacity to move again and unpack all of that stuff. And then try to just start out living everyday life. Again, we needed a layover, but I did not know that at the time. So a lot of times God will block us from being able to do things that we want, but there is a purpose behind it. There’s always a purpose, you know, and I remember my therapist telling me even years ago, when I first started going, you’re going to be pulling back layers for years.
Speaker 1 00:09:29 God blocked me so I could have a place of rest, physical rest and spiritual west, minus any emotional risks. He did this for five weeks.. But after, um, three weeks of being blocked, we found something, but wasn’t going to be able to move for another two weeks.
We needed that break. And so, a lot of times when we were right in the middle, we were right in the thick of things. We don’t see that. We want the instant gratification, you know, and we see God, we think he’s punishing us, but he’s not. It’s all within his will for a specific purpose in mind. And so, when my friend and her husband took us in, um, we felt the peace, the warmth, the fellowship of God there, and we were able to have our own rooms.
Speaker 1 00:10:35 My daughter and I shared a room, and my son was able to have his own space down in the basement, a full-size basement, like an apartment down there. So, it was the blessing that God gave us. Yes, you’re going to be homeless, but you’re going to be comfortable. While you’re in this state of homelessness. God’s grace is there.
He was even when I felt that he wasn’t and sometimes people will come up to us when we’re in whatever state we’re in, we’re already broken already, already trying to get some grounding, and then say, “There must be something you’re doing wrong. Otherwise, this wouldn’t happen.
You should just do this, this and this. You didn’t apply to the right places. Um, you know, apply it in the right areas. It’s always something that they’ve got to find, especially when you are a woman of God and they know how you are, you know, there’s gotta be, it’s gotta be something you’re doing because they can’t come up with any reasoning, which is natural when you think about it. Why would God allow his people to suffer more when they have already suffered?
Speaker 1 00:11:48 It was like with Job, when he was sick, his friends, all of a sudden, they had to say, “He’s got to be something wrong. Otherwise, why would this happen to you?” There’s not always something we do that causes it to happen.
Some things is just that God knows best. And even if his best is homelessness, that is his best for us for any particular reason. And like I said, we needed the rest and didn’t know it. None of us are exempt from being blocked by homelessness or any other thing that God decides. Okay. And so we can be honest, and open up and say, God, I’m angry. I don’t like what it is you’re doing.
Speaker 1 00:12:43 I’m really upset God, please help me. As I walk through this journey that you would have me walk that is very unpleasant, please help me to continue to do your will because you know, best. This is what I would want in my calling and my job, whatever my profession is, or this is what kind of car I want , what kind of house, what kind of neighborhood, but you’re blocking me from having it for whatever reason, I accept it.
And the more we resist, the harder it will be for us to learn whatever it is God wants us to learn. To be able to develop our character in order for us to grow, thrive, and have that empowered new chapter of life, to be able to reclaim our power and identity. And just because we made those decisions, we made that choice to do that does not mean it’s going to be easy.
Speaker 1 00:13:38 It does not mean that God would not block us for certain periods of time for us to grow and to learn and to protect us for whatever reason. So, I hope that it’s something that was said that would resonate with you.
I don’t know if you’ve ever been blocked by homelessness yourself. Um, if you are enjoying the valley of grace podcast, where we’re helping women create an empowered new chapter of life, do me a favor and leave us a review. If you could tag your friends on social media and let them know to listen to us on iTunes, apple podcasts, Google podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, Amazon music, and podcasts.
And if you are feeling like you just cannot go on, and you are tempted to go back, turn around, you need some type of music, some type of encouragement to keep you going, so you won’t revert back to the way it used to be, as the song says, “ Download the valley of grace song. It is on iTunes. And it’s also on Amazon music.
As you have those words resonate in your head, I won’t go back to the way it was again. You do not have to repeat cycles of unhealthy relationships. You do not have to repeat that. And that song is there to remind you. I won’t go back to the way that it was again. I want to thank Timothy Horton for bringing the intro and outro music. Until next time. <inaudible>