Abandonment, Trauma, Toxic Relationships, Healing, and a Story of Redemption

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Abandonment, Trauma, Toxic Relationships, Healing, and a Story of Redemption
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Trials, trauma, abandonment, and hardship are all markers for an orphan spirit. With the help of the Lord, and reclamation of our identity in Christ, God can restore all the years the locusts have eaten.

Just like David restored Mephibosheth’s inheritance and identity in his family’s lineage, God restored Shebra’s inheritance and identity in him, opening her eyes to his promises, and seating her with him in heavenly places. Listen in to this candid interview between Shebra Williams and I as she takes you on a journey of grace, hope, forgiveness, and redemption. Be blessed!

I own the rights, license, and permission of performing artist, Timothy Horton GR8, to use Valley of Grace as Valley of Grace Ministries’ theme song.

#story#toxicrelationships#healing

How to Reach Shebra Williams:

Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/c/ShebraRhianna-SpiritTruth21

Tiktok: @queenshebrarhianna

Education, Empowerment, Toxic Relationships, And Taking Ownership of Our Healing & Emotions

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Education, Empowerment, Toxic Relationships, And Taking Ownership of Our Healing & Emotions
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Everyone strives for being educated and empowered. But different words mean different things to different people. Listen 🎧 in to the conversation between Dr. Shali Mukherjee and I as we dissect education, empowerment, toxic relationships, and taking ownership when it comes to healing and emotions. Katina Horton-Valley of Grace Ministries been granted rights and permission by performing artist , Timothy Horton GR8, to use Valley of Grace as its theme song. #educators #education #healing #healingjourney #ownership #empowerment #emotions

Healing From Narcissistic Abuse & Parenting With Oxygen

Analysis


When it comes to healing from narcissistic abuse, it can be so tempting for women to think their number one priority after leaving the toxic ☠️ relationship is pouring everything that they can into their children 🧒 so that they will be OK. 

In theory, it seems like the perfect thing to do. Give them everything that they have been missing and more. 

However, in reality, the best thing that you can do as a mother is to follow the instructions 📄 of the stewardess on the airplane ✈️

You must put your oxygen mask 😷 on first. 

When a person has difficulty breathing 😮‍💨, and is in emergency status, needing to get some serious help, they do not stop 🛑, and say, “let me give away the little oxygen that I have left instead of calling 911.  This is a heroic deed.”

For those who have, what is often said about this person is, “he or she saved everybody else, but could not do what was necessary to save him or her self.”  

There is no trophy 🏆 given out. There is sadness and a realization that this person was so caught up being Superman or Superwoman, that they did not understand their own needs, and the need to put their needs before others was necessary for their own survival.

Ponder

Although it may seem counterintuitive, we cannot pour from an empty cup.

After a while, your jars of clay will manifest cracks.  And instead of taking heed to the warning, and patching up the cracks with taking care of yourself, you keep using your jar until it completely breaks.

Charge

As long as you are OK, healing ❤️‍🩹, walking through the steps of reclaiming your power 💪🏾 and identity, your children will be OK, and can walk into the steps of reclaiming their power and identity by using your actions as a template for theirs.  

And instead of trying to somehow become their therapist, the best thing to do is to help them find a therapist of their own who can assist them in processing what was, what currently is, and what is to come.

Getting back to your true self, the one who’s identity is in Christ, is hard, but not impossible work.  And it begins by displaying love to your children, through the love the Father has for you, and in turn, you are showing to yourself. 

Pouring from an empty or half-full jar 🫙means that you risk single-parent and grief burnout.  Honoring and loving self, with the love of God as your guide leads to honoring and loving your children.

Retraining

Your brain needs to be retrained. All of this time society has taught you that the best way to take care of your partner and your children is to sacrifice yourself in the process.

Healing from narcissistic abuse is a journey, and that journey involves a process.  And that process involves a fight. A fight to reclaim your power and identity to get to your true self. Not the old self. 

Remember: the old self misunderstood the concepts of love and freedom. The old self sacrificed everything for the survival of others at your own expense. It didn’t love self enough to honor identity in Christ over every other identity.  The old self didn’t understand that royalty status helps you to value yourself as having enoughness and worthiness in the kingdom of God.

You are saying goodbye to the old self and reclaiming your true self as a daughter of the king, Who lives and walks in royalty, understands self love and boundaries, and knows how to pour out God’s love onto others.

Healing From Narcissistic Abuse Part 1

You have finally gotten out of the toxic relationship you were in.

And you’re probably thinking now you can throw a party, and everything will go back to the way it was before you entered it.

Just like you had magical thinking when you were in the toxic relationship, thinking that you will walk out from under A toxic relationship with a narcissist or any other toxic person unscathed Is like walking outside in a thunderstorm Without an umbrella and thinking that you won’t get wet.

It’s delusional.

The most important thing that you can do after being discarded from a toxic relationship is to give yourself grace. You will need tons of it.  Not only from yourself, but from other people.

The biggest teacher for accepting grace from others is giving it to ourselves first.

The first thing that you will think is, “ Okay, This just happened. And it hurt. But now, All I need to do is to pick myself up by the bootstraps, put on my big girl pants, and move on.

Uh, Yes and no.

We don’t ever want to lie down in victim mode.  However, you have had a lot of things done to you, and that reality hasn’t settled in.

First of all, the damage that has been done to your emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical being is enormous.

It literally might take a few months before this manifests.  And even after that, the physical damage won’t manifest itself maybe until six months later, once the exhaustion sets in.

Although you have been going and going like the energizer bunny in the relationship, your body has taken on way more capacity than it should have been for years.

Our minds, bodies, and souls work together, with the mind handling 50% more than what our bodies can. However, for some reason, the effect on our bodies catch up after the effect on our brains.

The second most important thing that you must do is to go “ No Contact”.

If you have children with a narcissistic person, then you would follow the “low contact rule”.

What does “no contact” mean?

It literally means just the way it sounds. You have to eliminate all contact from the person you were in the toxic relationship with.

This includes texting, in person meetings, phone calls, emails, social media, third-party conversations, etc.  Basically, any and all means of communication with this person.

Low contact would mean that you are only interacting with this person for the bare minimal necessities.   This looks like: discussion of your children’s doctor appointments, emotional, mental, and physical health issues, visitation schedules, vacation schedules, and emergencies.

No and low contact are the first set of boundaries that you must learn, and then follow quickly.

This is the only thing that has proven most effective for women Recovering from narcissistic abuse and Abuse in general.

And it probably has to do with the fact that nine times out of 10, women who are in toxic relationships form a trauma bond with their toxic partner.

And in turn, this trauma bond causes a soul tie.

Any and all contact with the individual that you have the soul tie with is only going to re-enforce the trauma bond, which reinforces the soul tie.

So in essence, you are working against your self.

You need time to go through withdrawal. And that is a whole ‘Nother level.

When you are going through withdrawal, you are not alone.  You are enlisting the help of the Holy Spirit, and building emotional and spiritual resilience to handle the pain.

Remember: You are enough.  You do not have to reconnect with your abuser in order to Prove that you are. You are a daughter of the King.  And now, you are beginning to reclaim your power and identity by healing and moving forward.

Until next time,

Katina

She Wasn’t Ready!

When my kids were living with me, they would hang out together, laughing and joking about some teenage drama that had taken place. Whenever something happened that took one of their teenage friends by surprise, they would holler out, “S(he) wasn’t ready!” I couldn’t imitate it if I wanted to. However, it was hilarious.

Now, let’s switch over to watching a movie with a friend. You have been watching a good movie with a girlfriend. You both have pretty much figured out the ending based on all the drama that has gone on throughout the entire movie. This movie is pretty much like real life. After hanging out with people for a while, we become aware of their unhealthy patterns of behavior, and they become aware of ours. You get to the end of the movie, and both of you are completely thrown for a loop. It wasn’t supposed to end this way. In other words, “She wasn’t ready!”

Now what?

You feel cheated. Tricked. Bamboozled. Caught off guard.

Now you have to adjust your emotions, processing what you thought should have happened based upon previous patterns of behavior, but didn’t.

Now, let’s switch scenes again. Jesus died on the cross. The normal process after death is burial or cremation, and then the person’s soul either goes to heaven or hell. The body goes back to dirt eventually. Except with Jesus. His ending on earth defied all logic. And in his case, “They wasn’t ready.” I know it’s bad English, but saying weren’t doesn’t give the full effect. You get the point.

Last scene, you have been in and out of one unhealthy relationship to the next. But, you haven’t been able to decide how your story will end. Will people feel cheated because you defied the odds, and created an empowered new chapter of life, or will they say, “I knew it was going to end this way!” ?

As the director of your movie, only you can decide.

Be blessed.

Until next time,

Katina

That Beautiful Case

The Appearance

I want to tell you the story of that beautiful case that I saw.

When my son was about 8 years old, I bought all the various computer parts to build him a desktop.  I decided upon a royal blue clear case.  These cases were all the rave at the time.  You could see all the internal parts, and lights, etc.  I knew at his age he would think this was cool. 

The Struggle

The Manufacture of the case boasted “no white-gloves” needed.  Wow!  This was great.  So I thought.  The case should open with no problem.  He was going to be jamming with this cool case.  I pressed and pulled, huffed and puffed to get this case open.  Nothing.  Used tools ⚒️. Nothing. Finally, after getting my adrenaline going at full speed, I got the case to open.  I was worn out. 

The Truth

What they said, and the truth were two different things.  After sitting there for a few minutes, I felt weird.  Like really weird.  I looked down at my hand, and the case had cut a chunk of the inside of my thumb off.  Looking at it made me nauseous and light-headed.  I went down to the kitchen to take care of it.  The kids saw “that Look” on my face, as they call it, and they asked me what happened.  I told them, and they were shocked. 

The Healing

I decided to wrap the wound and bandage it up after using peroxide and Neosporin.  My thumb only has a little bit of discoloration now.  You can hardly tell how badly I got injured.  It’s just a scar.  Just so you know, I sent the case back and got another one instead.

Our Case

Some of you saw that one person’s profile.  It looked good on paper.  As a matter of fact, it sounded good.  But, once you opened the package, you were in for a big surprise.  You were cut so deep, that it left you wounded and bleeding out on everything and everyone. 

Our Reaction

But, for some reason, you are still holding on to that case, without digging deeper into the how’s, why’s , etc.  This person(case), will determine how you select all the others (friends, jobs, partners in ministry, etc.) until you deal with the wounds. 

You don’t have to keep bleeding out on everyone.  You can begin to dissect your cycle of unhealthy relationship patterns.  Even better, you can get bandaged up ⬆️in the process.  The question is:  When will you make that choice?

Are you saying to yourself, “I’m sick and tired of being stuck in one unhealthy relationship after the next. Life should be better than this. This does not look like the abundant life that Christ promised us!” Then this course is for you. It walks you through the process step by step to getting out of the revolving door of stuckness, and into the door of abundant living. But when are you going to open the door? Are you waiting for your friend or someone else to open it for you? That’s what the Course Broken Pieces is all about. It walks you through with personalized videos, getting you to the heart of the matter. ****This is an amazon affiliate link where a commission is paid to offsite the cost of providing this information to you.


#christianlifecoach#christiancoach#relationshipgoals#breakingthecycle#frombrokenrelationshipstoresilienceandflourishing#resilience#scars#wounds#katinahorton#christianauthor#ithoughtihadagoodcase#christianpodcaster#coach#christianspeaker

Jiselle Alleyne-Clement’s Interview

Episode 101: I’m Stuck!

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 101: I'm Stuck!
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Have you ever tried to squeeze into a space that appeared too small, or not even appeared to be too small; it was simply too small, but you figured you would squeeze into it anyway. This squeeze or force, if you want to call it, left you crying out, Help, I’m Stuck! And you stayed in that position until someone came to help you, or maybe you figured out how to untangle yourself. Being stuck doesn’t help with us being resilient because resiliency involves being able to adapt to change. We all get stuck every once in a while; but when this condition becomes our MO, then what? Tune into this episode to find out. Just in case you missed last week’s episode, click here.

stuck, I'm stuck podcast episode:  keywords:  healing, unhealed brokenness, grief, complacency, time to move on, emotinal health, mental health, psychology, resilience, flourishing, katina horton, timothy horton, broken relationships, lifestyle
Episode 101

Podcast Transcription:

Part 1

Speaker 0    00:00:23    <inaudible>, Valley of Grace.

Speaker 1    00:01:05    This is the healing our brokenness podcast, where we dissect problems and solutions that exist among broken people, living in a broken world. And we also believe that we’re going from broken relationships to resilience and flourishing, and the title of this episode, episode 101, is “I’m stuck”. Now, when you think of somebody saying I’m stuck, it actually makes me think of my daughter when she was two years old and she would get into the kitchen chair at the table.

And she liked to pretend like she was stuck so I could come over and help her. And, you know, kids do all kinds of things for attention, but that was one of her things. And my son would say, ‘Oh, mom, someone needs to help her. She’s stuck.”  And in turn, I would say, “No, she’s not stuck at all. She’s gonna figure it out.”

Speaker 1    00:02:11   She would keep this up until I ended up going over there and putting  her in the chair or getting on her before she would finally go on and sit down in the chair. And it wasn’t too long before that “I’m stuck” stopped. But anyways,  the kind of stuck I’m talking about today is when it comes to grief. And one thing about grief is that we all have our own timetable. 

It is not something that can be rushed. I would say some of us want to rush it. We wish we can just zoom past/plow through.  That’s not how grief works. Grief is a process, and that process has got to be done. Some people when they grieve, they go through the entire five steps: the anger, the denial, the bargaining, acceptance,etc.

Part 2

Speaker 1    00:03:11    And then some of us may skip over one, do it all kind of ways out of order. I know with me, when I was grieving my divorce, my grief was all over the place. There was anger initially, but then my brain because of the trauma could not process the anger. Instead of processing anger, flashbacks and violent images occurred.  And so the anger started to come in towards the end of my healing process from the divorce. Unfortunately, now in the scriptures, we have Samuel caught up in grieving over Saul.

Speaker 1    00:04:11   Saul was King and God had decided he was done. A done deal due to disobedience, extreme insecurity, and rebellion.  Basically, God said,” You’re not King anymore. I’ve dethroned you. Samuel’s job was to go and appoint a new King.

And it was going to be the one that God was going to anoint. Samuel had been grieving Saul’s dethroning for a while.  When it comes to other people’s grief, we don’t want to be judgment.  However, in Samuel’s case, he was stuck on grieving something that had been going on too long.  The scripture lets us know this by what God said, “the Lord said to Samuel, how long will you griev for Saul? 

Part 3

Speaker 1    00:05:09    When I have rejected him as King over Israel, fill your horn with oil and go, I will send you to Jesse, the Bethlehemite, I have chosen a King for myself among his sons.” Okay. So there are some times when we’re grieving so long that we have to be pulled out by something or someone, but we choose to stay in. Grief can make you comfortable.

And, they can get to the point of being stuck in it and trapped if we’re not careful, you know? And so basically God was telling Samuel we’re done with this. We’re done with a capital D get up, let’s get moving. We’re done. Let’s get back to growing and moving forward.

Speaker 1    00:06:09   With us, there are times when God’s like, “We’re done with that relationship, we’re done with that friendship. We’re done with that job. We’re done with that house, that car, that opportunity.  Get up and move forward. 

As I said before, this is not with everything.  But a lot of things can end up like this if we’re not careful.  God has been telling us we’re done, and we’re still trying to keep it going, drawing it out. And God has closed the door on it, but we’re still trying to stay in the hallway hoping it will open or climb in through the window. When we’re done, we have to make ourselves get up so as to be able to adapt to change and be resilient.

Part 4

Speaker 1    00:07:05    When God says we’re done , we need to be able to be able to say that we’re done in our minds and in our hearts and in our souls. If we go according to what we feel, nothing will get done.  We have to push past the feelings. I don’t feel like washing dishes. I’m not washing dishes. And sometimes that’s just what we need in order to nourish ourselves. We need to not do what we normally do. 

Speaker 1    00:07:53    But a lot of times we make it our MO.  I don’t feel like doing that. I don’t feel like combing my hair today. I don’t feel like going down the street to the store, but I need more milk. I don’t feel like getting tissue from the store, whatever it is.

We don’t feel like doing it so we can get comfortable and not do it. And then, next thing you know, three months have passed, and we haven’t vacuumed, or whatever we are holding off on.  Grief is the same way.  We can get stuck in it.  We can’t go according to what someone else is doing.  We have to go according to what our system is telling us. And that way we’ll be able discern whether we’re ready to move on or not. And more importantly, whether God is telling us this through sermons,  sitting in stillness, reading his word, using others, etc.

Part 5

Speaker 1    00:09:03    And then we want to be careful judging people who are in grief and need to stay in it longer. Grief shows up differently for everybody. Some people’s grief shows up as rage. Some people’s grief shows up as looting or self-harm. Some people’s grief shows up as promiscuity, alcoholism, drug addictions, indigestion problems, crying, sadness, rage, vomiting, you name it. Some people have blood vessels to burst in their eyes as part of their grief. So when we get to the point of judging grief, we have to be very careful because we never know how we will react when it comes to our turn.

Speaker 1    00:10:08    Staying in grief longer than necessary causes us to engage in broken relationships, hinders resiliency, and our relationships with important people in our lives:   friends, our parents, our children, small group members, etc. We still have live life while we walk through grief. 

Part 6

Speaker 1    00:11:08    There are some times where we need to be alone. Other times, it may not be good to isolate. The devil want us to be by ourselves, which is not God’s plan.   So I hope that something resonated with you from what I said, as we go from broken relationships to resilience and flourishing, I want to thank you for being faithful listeners every week. I want to give a shout out to Timothy Horton for bringing the intro and outro music to us every week.


Speaker 1 00:13:03 And that song is entitled Valley of Grace. And it can be found wherever music is sold. Healing Our Brokenness podcast is on iTunes, Spotify, YouTube, and on Amazon music, Stitcher, Google Podcasts, Apple Podcasts, etc. So, if this is blessing your life in any kind of shape, form or fashion, if you could please give a shout out to your friends, your neighbors, your family members, and ask them to follow us.  Until Next Time.   Valley of Grace.

Speaker 0    00:12:54    <inaudible>.

The Sun and Its Effect on Trauma

Part 1: The Sun and Its Effect on Trauma

When we think of the sun, we automatically think of its natural ability to provide us with Vitamin D. And boy does it make a difference when it is out as opposed to when it’s not, especially when we are talking about a day like today in the Midwest where it is super windy. Have you ever stopped to think about the sun and its effect on trauma? If not, and you think you are alone, think again. I hadn’t given it that much thought until about eight years ago to be exact.

sun, emotional health, psychology, valley of grace, trauma, ptsd, emotional health, mental health, healing, from broken relatinships to resilience and flourishing
The Sun And Its Effect on Trauma-Photo by Tomas Hustoles at Burst by Shopify

After having a series of events that led to compounded trauma, I started noticing that the sun has a tremendous effect on how I am feeling once the seasons are nearing a significant change. It is so much so, that it can be disorienting. The sun itself is the main trigger, but surprisingly, what goes along with it is the manner and angle at which it is shining, etc. that makes it a trigger.

Part 2-The Sun and Its Effect on Trauma

For example, two weeks of last month was a challenge for me when the sun came out. Thankfully, I had my toolbox available and ready. As I sat at the table taking notes for my class, I observed how beautifully the sun was shining through the kitchen window. I also noticed that my body was having a reaction to it. The birds were singing their tune, and it sounded so pretty, yet something seemed off.

I knew that being still long enough would give me the answer. While listening to the teacher, I reminded myself, “This is a trauma trigger. The source of the sun causing havoc will soon be revealed.” And in no time it did. My mind went back to something that happened literally twenty-four years ago, on my birthday, when I had to rush and leave work because I thought I was having a heart attack, only to find out a few months later. Along with this revelation came the feelings along with it, as I sat there at the table.

Part 3-The Sun and Its Effect on Trauma

I allowed myself to feel the loneliness that I felt back then, allowing myself to remember it, and the emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual toll that it took on my health; but then also reminding myself that it happened in the past. I could lean in, discover the origin, feel it, and then process, and move on with my day.

In the comments down below, would love to know if you have noticed how the sun and its presence triggers your trauma. If so, how were you able to get yourself back to a point of resiliency?

Thanks and be blessed y’all.

Katina

The Danger of Burnout

Black Bean Penne Pasta with Tomatoes

At Valley of Grace, we believe in thriving. In order to thrive, we have to begin grounding ourselves in our identity. The first step in making this happen, is dealing with the effects of our childhood wounds. Click here to get started in Online Therapy today.****This is an amazon affiliate link where a commission is paid to offsite the cost of providing this information to you.

Are you saying to yourself, “I’m sick and tired of being in this state of languishing!” , but you are confused about how to get out? You need someone to walk you through the process, step by step. That’s what the course Broken Pieces is all about. This course walks you through with personalized videos, getting you to the heart of the matter. ****This is an amazon affiliate link where a commission is paid to offsite the cost of providing this information to you.

Episode 99: Broken Relationships, Resilience, and The Danger of Validation

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 99: Broken Relationships, Resilience, and The Danger of Validation
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Would you consider yourself the kind of person that goes in and out of relationships? Are you the cause, or would you say it’s the other person? If it is the other person, why is it that you find yourself staying in the relationship? What need is the relationship providing? Perhaps it’s validation. And if it is, the need for validation can easily lead to burnout. Ask Moses. Find out about this and more when you listen to this week’s episode: Broken Relationships, Resilience, and The Danger of Validation.

Topics

  • Broken Relationships
  • Resilience
  • The Danger of Validation
  • Why are people leaving?
  • Why are you leaving?
  • Are people tired of you?
  • How the Need for Validation leads to Burnout
  • How Margin and Stillness Helps with resilience

An Interview with Eston Swaby

At Valley of Grace, we believe in thriving. In order to thrive, we have to begin grounding ourselves in our identity. The first step in making this happen, is dealing with the effects of our childhood wounds. Click here to get started in Online Therapy today.****This is an amazon affiliate link where a commission is paid to offsite the cost of providing this information to you.

Podcast Transcription

Speaker 0 00:00:17 Music plays. Valley of Grace
Speaker 1 00:01:17 Welcome to the Healing Our Brokenness podcast where we dissect problems and solutions that exists among broken people, living in a broken world. And we also believe here at Healing our brokenness, that we’re going from broken relationships to resilience and flourishing. Today’s episode is episode number 99. And the title of this episode is broken relationships, resilience, flourishing, and the dangers of validation.

Now, when it comes to relationships, it takes a while to get to know people. And then after that, we have the time period, of getting to know them. We can pretty much tell if that person is going to work out for us. And this is whether it’s a romantic relationship or it could be a friendship or all of the above. And so, sometimes we get to the point where we are staying in our relationships too long and, they could be for a variety of reasons.


Speaker 1 00:02:45 And one of the reasons that we can stay in relationships too long would be simply just being in denial. We see the writing on the wall, so to speak and we are still trying to make a go out of it. Either the person is not treating us, right, or we’re not able to meet their needs, and there are consistent patterns of inconsistency.

For whatever reason, it’s not working out, and we are refusing to accept reality for the way that it is. So a lot of times we will stay in broken relationships longer than we really need to be doing. Another reason why we may stay in relationships would be for the simple fact of it fulfilling a need that we have. So we know that the relationship is not good.


Speaker 1 00:03:53 We know that this person is not good for us. They had not bringing out the best in who we are as individuals, not helping to bring out holiness in us. They are not helping us to bring out the qualities in us that, would basically help to elevate us in our calling in our worship of God and our walk with God. But we are in every toxic/incompatible relationship because we have woundedness inside.

And what is happening is we are having a need being met through that particular individual. And that’s why we are staying in something that we should no longer be in, indication of woundedness that has not been taken care of. But we are blinded to seeing that because we are addicted to having that need met at all costs.
Speaker 1 00:04:55 So either we are being a savior to someone enabling them in areas of their irresponsibility or it’s something within us that is satisfying us.

That’s keeping us in that relationship. And sometimes it takes someone on the outside to come in to say, Hey, I noticed, you know, you keep telling me about the same thing where I notice you keep doing the same thing in response, or to initiate. Is there something else going on here that you want to talk about ? And so today I want to talk about Moses, who got to the point where he was standing and being judge over the people from morning, all the way till night. And we all know that if we’re doing something from early in the morning, all the way to night, nighttime, eventually that’s going to lead to burn out is definitely not going to help us to be resilient individuals.


Speaker 1 00:06:04 Because if you’re trying to develop a resilience emotionally, mentally, and physically, we have to have boundaries in place according to when we know our energy levels are at their best. And so what he was doing by wearing himself out, standing there and advising the people, he was not allowing himself time alone with God , to get his overflow so that he was be able to overflow and pour out to the people, but his need was being validated. He needed to have that approval. And that’s why he was in it so long. And I’m quite sure he was tired himself, but that need, that inner turmoil that was inside of him, that woundedness of having been rejected as a baby, those seeds and a spirit of rejection was already sewn into him.


Speaker 1 00:07:12 He also didn’t feel in place where he was because he knew that he was not an Egyptian. And it happens sometimes like this with people who are trying to get their identities and ethnicities figured out where, if they’re the child of parents, of two different races or ethnic groups, and sometimes they don’t feel at home in one group. And sometimes they don’t feel at home in another group and them trying to reconcile all of this. So Moses was having some issues with that need for approval and validation from these people, just from people in general.

And so their need to seek help and want guidance and want to judge over them was actually feeding into this need for him. So that means he was getting approval all day long from morning to night. And that could not have been good for his inner ego. And when we are in situations like that, it is so good that we have an inner circle. We have a support group or both. We have friends that see what’s going on, or either hear from what we’re telling them. And they’re coming to us and saying, you know what?


Speaker 1 00:08:43 I don’t think that’s good. Do you mind if I talk to you? You know, if we go out for coffee and we talk and this and that, the other, you know, I’ve been listening to you, and I feel like there are some missing pieces. Tell me about the situation.

One of the things about Moses, as far as trying to develop resilience, is that his body needed to rest, poured into, with the word of God, developing emotion intelligence, and to have emotional intelligence, you have to be able to be developing emotion skills. Because when you are talking to people all day long from morning to night, and you’re not taking a break to rejuvenate yourself, their issues end up weighing down in your spirit and soul.


Speaker 1 00:09:41 And so what happens though, we’re wounded and broken and that area needed validation and approval. We don’t even have time to think about that. We just try to fulfill that or whatever needs, which has to be addressed, or the cycle keeps continuing. Thank the Lord for Moses’s situation that he listened to his father-in-law. And this is what it says in the scripture. I’m going to read it for you guys. When his father-in-law saw all that Moses was doing for the people, right?

What is this you are doing for the people? Why all these people stand around you from morning. So evening, Moses answered him because the people come to seek God’s will, whenever they have it, dispute is brought to me. And I decide between the parties and informed them of God’s decrees and laws. Moses’s father-in-law replied.
Speaker 1 00:10:41 What you are doing is not good. You people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too hard. You can not handle it alone.

Listen now to me, and I’ll give you some advice and may God be with you. You must be the people’s representative before God and bring their disputes to him, teach them. .. select capable, men, from men who fear God, trustworthy, men, who hate dishonest gain and appoint them officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties, have them serve as judges for the people at all times, but have them bring every difficult case to you. The simple cases they can decide themselves that will make your load lighter, because they will share it with you. If you do this God so commands, you would able to stand the strength and all of these people will go home satisfied.


Speaker 1 00:11:53 Moses listened to his father-in-law and did everything. He chose capable men and made them leaders of the people, officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties, and tens. They served as judges for the people at all times the difficult cases they brought to Moses, but the simple ones, they decided themselves. So like I said before, praise the Lord that Moses listened to his father-in-law.

And that was the beginning of ability to be able to be resilient is that he was able to take advice. His father-in-law served as a guide for him. And when we are going through our trials and tribulations, and our stories, we need someone to serve as a guide for us. This is what, his father-in-law DID for him. And that gave him space to be still, have that margin of space and time with God, to be able to deal with his own wounded business of validation.


Speaker 1 00:13:03 Because what happens is if we do not deal with that woundedness, then what happens is we’re always depending on other people to validate us, we’re always dependent upon other people to help us to feel worthy.

We’ll always dependent upon other people to help us to feel that approval when the only one that could give it to us, and that will fill us up is God. And every time we feel like, you know, we have arrived at a certain level of healing, there might still be times where every blue moon, that brokenness area will come up, we can say, dear Jesus! God help me! You have already validated me with your son’s death on the cross, I am worthy. I am valued, redeemed, the righteousness of God in Christ. I do not need anyone else’s validation to approve I’m yours Lord.


Speaker 1 00:13:51 So it’s not saying we’re not gonna continue to struggle. It won’t control us as it was doing with Moses. But as I said, thank God. He listened in the cases where we don’t listen. And we continue in what we’re doing that after a while, people will get tired of us. We’re human beings.

We’re not God. And they’ll say, you know what? You keep telling me about the same thing over and over again. We’ve given you our advice. You won’t take our advice. You keep saying the same thing over and over again. And it wears them out is what ends up happening. It just literally wears them out. Self pity is toxic and it wears people out. Victim mode can be toxic and wear people out.


Speaker 1 00:14:46 And so what happens is either we will leave because they won’t keep validating our brokenness, or they will leave because they’re sick and tired of hearing us. And we ended up having to come to the end of our ropes in a situation of languishing. Literally, before we get a clue, like something is wrong here, people keep leaving. My emotional, mental health is going downstream.

And when it comes to validation, it will go downstream because we have to keep constantly seeking that approval. And that addiction for approval. One while, I cleaned all day long to make sure that the house looked a certain way. And it was like, no matter how clean it was, it still wasn’t enough. I had to have it as a museum and I had to seek approval and validation and my self worth from my ex-husband and not realizing I was turning that into an idol. I was turning cleaning into an idol.

And the bigger problem was me and my identity. And knowing that God is enough. That was the biggest problem I had. Knowing he was enough, and that I did not deserve certain treatment, and have to prove anything different. So I hope that something that was said here today would resonate with you. I want to thank Timothy Horton for bringing our intro and outro music to us every week. And I want to thank you guys as my listeners for coming in and tuning in to Healing Our Brokenness podcast.

Until next time!
Speaker 0 00:16:21 . Music plays. Valley of Grace.

Episode 96: An Interview with Jennifer Uren

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 96: An Interview with Jennifer Uren
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On yesterday, I had the pleasure of interviewing This Mom Knows’ podcast host, Jennifer Uren. Our conversation was enlightening, filled with wisdom, and that of comfortability. If you are a mother, you know how daunting the task of motherhood can be. The first walk down that street is usually the hardest. At least that is what everyone says; that the first child is an experiment, so to speak, and then we have it from there.

What if you had a parenting manual with the whole thing figured out before you even started the journey? Wouldn’t we all be happier for it! Jen and I discussed this very thing, along with several other topics listed down below. If you missed the last podcast interview with Alison Simmons, you can grab that one here.

Here are the links to the last two podcast episodes in general (You might want to check these out with it being the last day of black history month.) Bless ya! :

Black History Part 1

Black History Part 2

An Interview with Jennifer Uren Topics

  • What Does Being a Mom Really Mean?
  • What Makes a Good Podcaster?
  • Relationships
  • Parenting
  • Procrastinating
  • Task-Oriented people
  • Traditions
  • Podcasting
  • Personal Questions
  • Parenting Styles
  • Differences Between Podcasting and Writing
  • Brokenness
  • Healed and Unhealed Brokenness
  • How Brokenness Affects Our Work

Sign Up for This Mom Knows podcast!

At Valley of Grace, we believe in thriving. In order to thrive, we have to begin grounding ourselves in our identity. The first step in making this happen, is dealing with the effects of our childhood wounds. Click here to get started in Online Therapy today.****This is an amazon affiliate link where a commission is paid to offsite the cost of providing this information to you.