We say that it is ours as well. However, our actions say different. We often mask control by saying that we’re helping so that the outcome is the exact one that we hoped and prayed for. But that is not God’s way. Listen in as a monthly coaching subscriber.
Control feels so good…until it doesn’t. When you can’t eat, sleep, work, play, or function without control, control no longer feels good. It’s toxic. Control has become an addiction.
When you can’t talk to someone without attacking their mind, body, soul, and spirit, it’s become toxic.
When a person can’t interact with you without them having to tense up and clinch to avoid the arrows you’re throwing into their body and soul, it’s become toxic.
And then, to top it off, an individual can have such a lack of self-awareness in their behavior, that they don’t even realize how toxic their traits (envy, jealousy, insecurity, anger, etc.) have become.
The form of control that most of us are used to is the one involving the necessity to having certain outcomes. Thus, we adopt coping mechanisms, addictions, and other dysfunctional patterns of behavior in order to gain those desired outcomes. WE BECOME INTENT ON GETTING THE OUTCOME AT ALL COSTS.
All of these adoptions take the place of sitting in stillness, which leads to self-awareness about yourself, other awareness when it comes to others’ patterns of behavior, and eventually surrendering to God, his plan, and his will for your life.
Instead, we go into what I call in Freedomology, my coaching methodology, the 6S Control Cycle. The fourth stage of the 6S Control Cycle is called Solution Mode. Solution mode sounds good. It makes it seem like you’re planning and making progress. Not in the 6S Control Cycle sense.
In the 6S Control Cycle, solution mode means ” I know better than God.” Thus instead of surrendering to his plans and will for your life, you surrender to your own. You set the stage for your partner, thinking that this will surely save the relationship.
This is so far from the truth. Not only does this fix/change him, he ends up sailing. Sailing means he takes off running. When you chase and chase and chase, and try to force/control the outcome, you will be met with resistance. Controlling/forcing someone to do the right thing, say the right thing, live the right way, parent their child, love you like you need to be loved, etc., goes against the principles of love.
Love invoices choice. God created us to love and be loved. We were created with freewill to choose.
One thing about control freak addiction is that it is often married to perfectionism, a fear-based trauma response. And perfectionism has a shadow side of judgmentalism, criticism, and condemnation attached to it. Underneath all that perfectionism is anxiety that is attached to the limiting belief that says: “I’m not enough”.
The spirit of control often has anger and or anxiety attached to it.
So now you have a person with two issues that are reinforcing each other in toxicity, false safety, security, and comfort.
Control tells the individual who has been through so much trauma, pain, and hurt that there is no way that they are going to allow this big T or little T trauma event to happen to them again. They make it their job to control every person, place, thing, and or idea around them for fear that these traumatic events that overtook their life with chaos and confusion once before is going to throw them into the same boxing ring again.
The anxiety part of control and or perfection can display itself in the home, at the workplace, the church, the business scene, your social media profile, community groups, and other people’s DM’s.
In your home, this marriage can look like, “I’m the only person who can clean this stove and or refrigerator, because if anyone else takes care of it, it won’t be right.”
And on the flipside of that, you allow someone else to do the jobs. But not without demanding they do the job in the exact same order that you do it, using the exact same cleaners that you use, within the exact amount of time that you do it.Â
In the workplace, it may be cleaning a work area, your office, and or printing a report. The individual with control freak addiction fails to understand that we have all been wired to learn and complete tasks a certain way. They so need to feed the addiction that they hurt the people they love.
Controlling people attack the unique design, wiring, and makeup of who God created us to be.Â
After a while, the individuals affected by this behavior become suffocated. Over time, they become less and less vulnerable because they are not free to be themselves. They have become a prisoner in another person’s world of false safety, comfort, security, and self-control.Â
When the marriage union of control and perfectionism work together, it causes the individuals infected with these spirits to then go and judge, criticize, and condemn other people who are free, being uniquely themselves, and unwilling to go back to Egypt when it comes to the high expectations of others.
The infected individuals often think that judging and criticizing non-compliant people to their agenda will make them do what they want them to do, the way they want them to do it. Not only does it not happen, but it places a wedge between them and the non-compliant people.
The judging, criticizing, and condemnation works on the recipient’s mind, body, soul, and spirit and enters their spiritual realm as daggers.
Because of their (the perpetrator’s) addiction, they failed to realize that every judgmental, critical, and condemning statement that they made to the other individuals is: “You are not enough. There is something inherently wrong with you.”
The perpetrator believes that he or she is exhibiting self-control when in addiction mode. In reality, they are out of control because of constantly reinforcing rigid behaviors, not only on themselves, but everyone else around them.Â
Self control is a fruit of the spirit.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. The law is not against such things.
Galatians 5:22-23, CSB
My question today is, “Will you surrender your need to control and perfect through toxicity to the Lord, and allow the Holy Spirit to change you from the inside out, or will you choose to remain living with a false sense of freedom, causing your judgmental, critical, and condemning statements to run everyone else away?
It is finished.
I am finished.
Looking for the perfect hairstyle.
Looking for the perfect clothing.
Looking for the perfect meals.
Looking for the perfect children.
Looking to be the perfect wife.
Looking to have the perfect home.
Looking to my partner as my god.
Have you ever truly said these three words?
When you say it is finished, you sign off to the fact that the striving is over. You will not try to control the outcome of the relationship. You will not beg your narcissistic partner to change. You will not try to fix him, control him, manipulate him a little bit in order to have the best version of him, be the best version of you, and have your needs met.
You will not beg for attention, love, affection, etc. You will not try to Build a Bear when it comes to your narcissistic partner. You will release control. You will allow God to be sovereign. You will be yourself and allow your partner to be himself.
It is finished.
Later, knowing that everything had now been finished, and so that Scripture would be fulfilled, Jesus said, “I am thirsty.â€Â  A jar of wine vinegar was there, so they soaked a sponge in it, put the sponge on a stalk of the hyssop plant, and lifted it to Jesus’ lips. When he had received the drink, Jesus said, “It is finished.â€Â With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.
John 19:28-30
How many of us often think, “If only they would just do what I tell them!” How many of us become angry and frustrated when others try to control us, but we never do anything about it? Listen to some helpful tips on today’s podcast episode, “Do What I Tell You”.
Thoughts for the week: What will we do differently to make sure that we are not trying to control others? What are we going to do differently to make sure that we are not the victim of the spirit of control?
Do you ever get mad about not having the ability to do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it? How does the word limitations make you feel? Limitations is often thought of as a weakness. What do limitations teach us? Take a listen to this week’s podcast to find out more.
Thoughts:
Trusting God: How many of us have thought in our minds, or asked someone the question: “Do you trust me?” Have you ever stopped to think of God asking us this question? Tune in to Episode 53 and find out what happens when we trust God while we wait.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
Last Podcast Episode: “Living in the Moment”
How have you allowed yourself to be led by emotions? (i.e., tightening up control with the kids, yelling, saying things that you later regret?) What was the background story? What patterns of behavior do you notice makes you want to ride the wave? What patterns of behavior helps you to jump off of this surfboard? How could you have reacted better than you did? How did you heal the relationships that were damaged as a result of you being led by your emotions instead of responding to life’s issues?
Would love to hear your comments down below.
Other posts: Episode 31: Giving the Best Gift
The Potter-This poem depicts the awesome work of our Creator, God himself. He is going to keep working on us, if we allow him to be in control instead of us trying to take the reigns. If you didn’t read my last poem, “Refusal to Heal”, you can find that one here.
The Potter
He’s twisting and turning.
And molding the clay.
The Potter, Creator.
Making it His Way.
The Pieces.
Once Shattered.
Manifesting as Dust.
When the Artist is Finished.
The End Product We’ll Trust.
Background on Surrender: We can’t control it all. We want to know the ending. We feel that we know what is best for us. We can’t understand why God has us waiting for so long. Tired and frustrated with the results of our doing? That’s usually when we give it to God.
Enjoy this poem: Surrender has Power, and if you want to focus on surrender, Check out these two posts:
I’M in Control: The Struggle between Two Wills
Hearing his whispers deep in the dark
Sounding more beautiful than that of the lark
Letting things go and trusting His Will
Communing with God while I’m being still
