I’m Leaving You- The Discard Phase

I’m Leaving You- The Discard Phase

No one wants to hear these three words. Just because you know that the discard phase is inevitable does not mean that you want someone to say this to you. Not only do these words invoke fear, they bring trauma, abandonment, and rejection along with it. So that you are not caught off guard, I am giving you a list of things to look out for in case you are in the storm of a soul-tied toxic relationship with a narcissistic partner.

Number 1:  You disrespect and dishonor yourself to the point of not knowing who you are anymore.  Even though he’s leaving you, he is still trying to convince you to sign up for a Biblical concubine situation.

Number 2:  Everyday your friends keep reminding you about the crazy situation you are living in.

Number 3:  You find evidence that he’s bought another computer(woman).  This one has a 500-watt power supply. 

Number 4:  He’s doing anything and everything to get you to put him out (reverse discard) so he can avoid responsibility for leaving you and tell everybody that you put him out.  If he’s been acting a fool and flaunting his new sidechick, they are NOT going to believe him.

Number 5:  You are reminded of the insecurities you disclosed to him in the beginning. 

Number 6:  He pulls his mask down, telling you different things about himself that he has never told you before.  They all lead up to him being a narcissist.

Number 7:  He keeps stringing you and the kids along about his final leaving date.

Number 8:  He brings all kind of evidence in the house showing that he has new supply, hoping that it will break you down and cause you to put him out.

Number 9:  His final farewell is a fake suicide stunt to regain control as he sees that his grip on you is slipping.

Number 10:  He calls up some of his family members, letting them know that he’s about to sabotage his living situation, and if it’s decent family members, they are encouraging him not to do it.  If not, they will join in and help him destroy you.

Number 11:  His new supply calls and leaves sensual messages on his voicemail, knowing that you are going to hear the messages.

Number 12:  You find evidence that he is love bombing the new supply in both the same and different ways that he love bombed you:  receipts from hotels, dinners, poems, songs, doing her advanced degree homework, blankets in the car, taking movies from your home to watch with her and her children, etc.

Number 13:  He tells you that he loves you, but is not in love with you, and still wants to be friends.  Basically, he wants you to sign up to be backup supply a.k.a. a hoover maneuver.

Number 14:  You start seeing instances of spiders, black capes, and all other kinds of spiritual warfare. 

Remember, you are not fighting against flesh and blood. Like in the devaluation phase, the discard phase involves both a lot of drama and trauma.  If you decide to stay until the end, you will need your church community, small groups, and inner circle to walk with you and your kids every step of the way. 

And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light.

2 Corinthians 11:14

Until next time,


How do the problems manifest themselves in “The Problems and Unhealthy Patterns of Behavior” Phase Part 2

One of the hardest things to do is to confront conflict. Why? As humans our brains only have two options: receiving pain or pleasure. And given a choice, we will seek pleasure every time. Only doing things that are pleasurable are not realistic. If we can’t face this reality, then we are back on Fantasy Island where all our dreams come true.

Even when it comes to our jobs/businesses, every single part of our daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly tasks do not bring us pleasure. Sometimes this task might be a five minute task, or it could be a one hour task. Whatever the case, there comes a point in time when motivation goes out the door, and discipline has to take over.


Discipline says, “It’s not about whether I can pump myself up enough to get the job done, I must get it done. I can chill when it’s over. I have a business to run.”

Why do we discipline ourselves in our jobs/careers?

We want to be obedient to God in the calling that he has entrusted to us.

And keeping it real, we want that paycheck. Bills don’t get paid by themselves.

When we don’t take that same enthusiasm into our romantic relationships, or any other important relationship for that matter, we are setting ourselves up for disaster.

What We Do

Avoiding conflict in hopes of only receiving pleasure is like cutting off the top of all the weeds on our lawn, hoping they will never return. It ain’t happening.

We seem to have this thing down pat in our romantic, friendship, and familial relationships.

When we avoid conflict in our relationships, we say things like, “Oh, you know we need to come together for the sake of keeping peace.” Or, another excuse sounds like, ” You know how he/she is.” Just ignore that and let’s move forward.”

The end result: nothing is resolved. You move forward at the expense of damaging and disrespecting yourself because you don’t want to feel the pain of the other person getting mad at you, and possibly not speaking to you because you told them the truth.

Slamming doors, walking out, and giving the silent treatment, and other passive-aggressive behavior gets played out really fast.

You are in for a rude awakening. But you haven’t figured that out yet.

What is truly happening when you are avoiding conflict is that you are walking around building up bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness against the other person. What you did to have pleasure at all costs has caused you pain at every cost to your mind, body, and soul.

You have been walking around with an unattended open wound.

And you keep going through cycles and cycles of it.


You refused to dig down deep enough to pull up the weed from its roots.

What is going to happen next in the healthy relationship cycle? What will be difference in the toxic relationship cycle? Tune in for the next post when we talk about the end result of this behavior in both situations.

Until next time,


Episode 132: Interview with Therapist & Coach Ashley Cutler Part 1

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 132: Interview with Therapist & Coach Ashley Cutler Part 1

What are the hidden traumas behind racism?  How will you react when God walks you through unexpected doors? What are the stressors that Covid has brought on to us in society, along with the frontline workers, including therapists? What are the benefits of coaching?  How does the black man feel when the black women makes more money than he does?  Why do women stay in toxic relationships?  How do I reclaim my power and identity?

If you need a place that is relatable, where you can pull off your masks, be real, dig deep, embrace your hair and skin color, release your emotions, and reveal your true identity and worth as a black woman, then listen to all three parts of this candid interview between Therapist & Coach Ashley Cutler and me in a new series of The Valley of Grace Podcast entitled, “The Black Woman Experience:  Talking Through Our Stories” to find out the answers to these questions and more.    Be blessed! #ashleycutler #authors #blackwomen #blackmarriage #blackrelationships #reclaimyourpowerandidentity #youareenough #blacksuperwoman #blackskin #blackhair #blackauthors #theblackwomanstruggle #racism #traumas #blacktraumas

How to Reach Ashley Cutler

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ashley.cutler.986

Adorned With a Purpose Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/180411743437341/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/msashleycutler 

Linkedin: www.linkedin.com/in/ashley-cutler-lcsw-c-15004586

Podcast Topics

  • Coaching Vs. Therapy
  • Black Relationships
  • Toxic Relationships
  • Unworthiness/Not Enoughness
  • Reclaiming Your Power and Identity
  • God Opening Up Doors

Until next time,


Episode 131: Interview with Coach Elizabeth Olujimi

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 131: Interview with Coach Elizabeth Olujimi

What happens when you work in jobs you’re not passionate about? How should we compete?  Can I live an empowered new chapter of life?  What are the steps to reclaiming my power and identity?  How do I find my treasure?  Why are women holding on to toxic relationships?  How can transition times be an opportunity for more?  What happens when you don’t value yourself? How does community help with grief? Listen in to the interview between Elizabeth Olujimi and I to find the answers to these questions and more. #reclaimyourpowerandidentity #youareenough

Podcast Outline Topics

  • Grief
  • Commjunity
  • Unworthiness
  • Toxic Relationships
  • Reclaiming My Power and Identity
  • Empowering Yourself
  • Valuing Yourself

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/daretobelievecoaching or https://www.facebook.com/elizabeth.mutahindukah

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elizabetholujimi or https://www.instagram.com/dtbcoaching

Twitter: https://twitter.com/LizOlujimi

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/elizabetholujimi

Until next time,


Episode 125: An Interview with Coach Isabelle Stephenson

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 125: An Interview with Coach Isabelle Stephenson

Prophetic Word!!! Does it mean it’s too late to dream again if you reclaim your power and identity?  What does coaching have to do with reclaiming your power and identity?  What is the relationship between fear and unhealthy relationships?  Do you need confidence in order to be empowered?  What is the correlation between humility, meekness, and fear?  How is having community an art?  Find out the answers to these questions and more as you listen to the interview between Coach Isabelle Stephenson and me on The Valley of Grace Podcast.  Did you miss the last two interviews with Dr. Alice Koech? Catch them here. Be blessed!

Podcast Topics

  • Isabelle’s Life Story
  • Dreaming: Is it too late?
  • Benefits of Coaching
  • Unhealthy Relationships and Fear
  • Empowerment and Confidence
  • Asking Questions
  • Humility & Meekness
  • Fear
  • Seasons of Relationships

Coach Isabelle Stephenson

Isabelle has put together a special gift for my listeners at the following link:

Freebie from Isabelle: Link

How do I contact Isabelle Stephenson?

I am glad that you asked. Isabelle can be reached in the following locations:

Call or write for a free life coaching consultation #732-331-2246


Follow her on instagram: @lifecoachingwithisabelle

Until next time,


Codependency Is Real-Part Three

No matter what situation it is, the hardest part about taking on any task when it comes to self-growth and self development is dealing with you. It feels better to hold up the mirror to everybody else? It makes us feel like we are better somehow.

But guess what? Paying attention to what everybody else is doing is a blinder for minding your own business and digging deeper into our own pile of junk.

When you are playing the role of a codependent, you don’t have time to check in with yourself to see what’s really going on. Your focus is on saving the other person. As mentioned in the last post, codependents stay in the state they are in number one, because of fear, and then number two: insecurities.

“The common areas of insecurities and or brokenness are low self-esteem, low self-worth, poor body image, and not enoughness. Codependents cover up these areas by becoming the Savior of the day in their spouse’s, coworker’s, friend’s, or ministry partner’s life. So, even when you have the come to Jesus moment and stop doing things for the other person, if you don’t take the time to do the self-work, you will be right back to wearing your cape as Savior of the day, and playing Jesus.

Frustration is the catalyst for change. However, that is only if the desire and hard work required to be a better version of you outweighs the pain of staying in the comfort zone of where you are now. “

Katina Horton

Creating an empowered new chapter of life involves healing from past hurts. And in turn, healing from past hurts helps us to gain resilience and perspective. In our next post, I will discuss the dangers of enmeshment.

Episode 110: Can We Just Avoid Saturday?

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 110: Can We Just Avoid Saturday?

Can We Just Avoid Saturday Introduction

A few weeks ago, I had a taste for some greens, fried chicken, corn bread, sweet potatoes, and macaroni and cheese. Not only that, but I wanted to eat it old-school, coming straight from the South, with your fingers style. But guess what? I didn’t feel like cooking. Yep. I could have tried to search for a local restaurant that served soul food. And indeed, I may have found one. However, when it comes to soul fool, and any other meal, my best bet is to cook the food myself. That way I can add or subtract ingredients according to my own dietary restrictions.

I did end up cooking the food. And man, oh man, it was good.

Initially, I had the desire for the food, but not the desire to do the work. This presented a problem. Although I didn’t want the work, I wanted the end result.

When it comes to reclaiming our power and identity so that we can create an empowered new chapter of life for ourselves, it can be very tempting to avoid the work. Skip over Saturday. Go straight to Sunday. But Saturday is the most important part. Saturday is the process. The learning. The growing. The stretching. The hard work that brings resilience and perspective. Listen in to this week’s podcast to find out what happens when you skip over Saturday. Be blessed!

Until next time,


Episode 106: A Living Room Interview with LaTrae Wilson: Creating An Empowered New Chapter of Life After Breaking Unhealthy Relationship Patterns-Part 2

The Valley of Grace Podcast
The Valley of Grace Podcast
Episode 106: A Living Room Interview with LaTrae Wilson: Creating An Empowered New Chapter of Life After Breaking Unhealthy Relationship Patterns-Part 2

In the last podcast episode, LaTrae Wilson and I talked about generation cycles, hiding sin, keeping family secrets, low self-esteem, low self-worth, the pain of healing, and the unspoken reasons why women go back to toxic relationships. This time, we go even deeper. Our topics are processing trauma, accountability, aggression, fear of speaking up, I’m not okay, Pressure to leave the faith, and so much more! Women, you don’t want to miss this! Be blessed.

A Living Room Interview with LaTrae Wilson: Creating An Empowered New Chapter of Life After Breaking Unhealthy Relationship Patterns-Part 2 Topics

  • I’m Not Okay
  • Accountability
  • Processing Trauma
  • When Trauma Causes You to Shut Down
  • Fear of Speaking Up
  • Thoughts of Leaving the Faith
  • Kickboxing for Therapy
  • The Therapist Gave Me My Power

Latrae Wilson’s Website

Instagram: destinedtwobeblessed

Facebook: Destined To Be Blessed @Mylast20BCEB


My Last 20 Breaking the Curse to Embrace the Blessing you can find them on Amazon,Google Book, Barnes and Noble or Lulu.com 

Purchase Her New Book: My Last 20