Healing From Narcissistic Abuse-The Art of Receiving Advice
Healing from narcissistic abuse is a lot of work. The thing to remember is to always keep the end goal in mind. And what is the end goal? Returning back to your true authentic self. The one that God created. During this time, you will receive advice from many different people. And God also encourages us to take advice.
Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.
Proverbs 11:14
However, as with anything, we have to use wisdom, discernment, and our intuition as to whether or not this advice is well-meaning advice or toxic advice that is a mask for control.
There are four different types of advice I would like to discuss with you.
The first kind of advice is projected advice. When we project something, it means that we are taking our own experiences and assigning it to someone else. Projected advice means that the person is giving you advice based upon all of the factors that fit their situation. This kind of device may or may not help you.
Why?
The factors involved can be major deal breakers. Some people who give you projected advice have not been in the situation that you have been in before, meaning they have privilege. And although they are well-meaning, they can actually do more harm than good. When we have privilege, we tend to look at other people’s situation through a privileged lens.
Projected advice gets sticky in areas of finances, court issues, and PTSD/trauma.
The second kind of advice that we often receive is double-minded advice. What is double minded advice? It is based on the Bible verse in James 1:18.
“He is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”
James 1:18
Double-minded advice comes from individuals who have one standard for themselves, and another standard for you. This person often talks on both sides of their mouth so to speak. One minute they are saying one thing. Then a few minutes later they are totally contradicting what they just said. Which version do you believe?
Good question.
Double-minded advice is evidence that the person giving the advice is unstable, or living incongruent to their values and beliefs.
The third kind of advice is purpose-destroying advice. This kind of advice is often given by individuals who exhibit signs of toxic jealousy, envy, and competition when it comes to your calling. They refuse to own their story, but want partial ownership of yours. They want the highlight reels.
Remember, the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Therefore, purpose-destroying advice exists to destroy every aspect of your calling including its power, SOUL, and identity.
The fourth kind of advice that I want to talk about is the “ I heard a word from the Lord” advice. Sometimes this kind of advice is very good. Other times, it involves a combination of the other three kinds of advice that I just discussed plus the gaslighting spirit.
The most important thing that we can do is to test the spirits of people who come to us with a word from the Lord. And we also have to remember that if God has that particular message for us, he will confirm it through us and not just give it to somebody else.
Remember: You are enough. Rebuild your family’s toxic love story garden. Reclaim your power, SOUL, and identity today. Grab your keys to the kingdom and get your inheritance.
In case you missed our last episode, Episode 27, Simply Grace, you can check that one out first. Click here. Today’s episode is entitled, “Bad Advice”.
Welcome to Healing Our Brokenness Episode 28, entitled, “Bad Advice”.
Dissecting Decision-Making
When it comes to making decisions, some of us take way too long. Others of us make decisions too fast. We wish that we had thought things over well. A lot of times, bad decisions can’t be erased. The domino effect can be felt for years. When we make decisions, sometimes we include God and other times we leave him out. God also uses other wisdom-filled people filled with discernment to help us make decisions. Ultimately, we have to decide what we are going to do. Other people can’t make us decide to do what’s best.
Younger Adult Advice
It is good to gather advice from our younger friends. These friends are more than likely raising children younger than ours. They can cause us to have a come to Jesus moment about some of the crazy perfectionistic moments that we had with our kids when they were little, use this advice for our grandkids, and see how it is when younger adults are active in community. Some of our younger friends have been through a lot, and they have old souls. They can give as much advice as an older person.
Same Age Group Adult Advice
The next group of advice can be given from same age-group friends. These friends can give us a different view than we are currently using in raising children, making friends, and living in community. Since God hasn’t made any two people the same, our same-age group friends can help us to reframe what we are thinking regarding life, and vice versa. We tend to share parenting kids of the same age group, and thus we can share similarities and differences. If we are in community with safe friends, then they will go there and tell us what we need to hear.
Older Adult Advice
Our older friends have been there and done that. They have years of advice and experience to
give us. They can serve as mentors for
the younger and middle-aged adults. They
can tell us the lessons they have learned from their struggles in life. Older people are less into the comparison
trap and caring what other people think.
They have more of the you do you and let me do me. They help us to be more at ease. I praise God for my older friends who are
indeed old enough to be my mother. They
have helped me in parenting, living life, and being me.
What does scripture say about giving advice/training
different age groups?
2 You,
however, must teach what is appropriate to sound doctrine.2 Teach the older men to
be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in
faith, in love and in endurance.
3 Likewise,
teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be
slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. 4 Then they can urge the
younger women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be
self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be
subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.
6 Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. 7 In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness 8 and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us.
Bad Advice
We’ve all had times
when we’ve gotten bad advice. And this
is where we have to use discernment and proceed with caution. Healing advice from a person who has been
stuck in self-pity or blame for 15 to 20 years and is seeing no way out wouldn’t
be in our best interest.
Getting advice for how to deal with your spouse from a
person who hates all men or all women because they were wounded by one wouldn’t
be in our best interest as well.
Rehoboam got advice from the younger men in his age group. And it was the worst advice ever. Jeroboam had expressed to Rehoboam that his
father Solomon had a heavy labor load on them.
They wanted the load to be lightened.
The older men who advised Solomon said to lighten the load. The younger
men who were Rehoboam’s friends, said to increase the load. Not only did he deliver this awful news to
Jeroboam and the people, but he was filled with contempt and nasty with the
message’s deliverance:
12 Rehoboam
went to Shechem, for all Israel had gone there to make him king. 2 When Jeroboam son of Nebat
heard this (he was still in Egypt, where he had fled from King Solomon),
he returned from[a]Egypt. 3 So they sent for Jeroboam,
and he and the whole assembly of Israel went to Rehoboam and said to him: 4 “Your father put a heavy
yoke on us, but now lighten the harsh labor and the heavy yoke he put on
us, and we will serve you.”
5 Rehoboam
answered, “Go away for three days and then come back to me.” So the people went
away.
6 Then King
Rehoboam consulted the elders who had served his father Solomon during his
lifetime. “How would you advise me to answer these people?” he asked.
7 They
replied, “If today you will be a servant to these people and serve them and
give them a favorable answer, they will always be your servants.”
8 But
Rehoboam rejected the advice the elders gave him and consulted the young
men who had grown up with him and were serving him. 9 He asked them, “What is
your advice? How should we answer these people who say to me, ‘Lighten the yoke
your father put on us’?”
10 The young
men who had grown up with him replied, “These people have said to you, ‘Your
father put a heavy yoke on us, but make our yoke lighter.’ Now tell them, ‘My
little finger is thicker than my father’s waist. 11 My father laid on you a
heavy yoke; I will make it even heavier. My father scourged you with whips; I
will scourge you with scorpions.’”
12 Three
days later Jeroboam and all the people returned to Rehoboam, as the king had
said, “Come back to me in three days.” 13 The king answered the
people harshly. Rejecting the advice given him by the elders, 14 he followed the advice of
the young men and said, “My father made your yoke heavy; I will make it even
heavier. My father scourgedyou with whips; I will scourge you with scorpions.” 15 So the king did not listen
to the people, for this turn of events was from the Lord, to fulfill the word the Lord had spoken to Jeroboam son of
Nebat through Ahijahthe Shilonite.
16 When all
Israel saw that the king refused to listen to them, they answered the king:
“What
share do we have in David,
what part in
Jesse’s son?
To your tents, Israel!
Look after your
own house, David!”
So the Israelites went home. 17 But as for the Israelites
who were living in the towns of Judah, Rehoboam still ruled over them.
18 King
Rehoboam sent out Adoniram,[b] who
was in charge of forced labor, but all Israel stoned him to death. King
Rehoboam, however, managed to get into his chariot and escape to Jerusalem. 19 So Israel has been in
rebellion against the house of David to this day.
This one bad decision that king Rehoboam made caused a domino
effect.
So, the question is: how do
we combat bad advice?
Remember God’s advice is the best advice.
Pray!!!!
Don’t forsake the advice of our elders, especially when they have
proven that they possess wisdom and discernment.
Test the spirit as the scripture said. God often uses what we think he is telling us
by giving us confirmation through other people.
The question that I want to leave with you today is: “What bad
advice were you given that you are still paying the price for today?
Thank you for being a part of our listening audience for Healing
our Brokenness’ Episode 28: “Bad Advice”. If this podcast is making a difference in your
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